Year 8 girls and friendship issues - how involved do you get, or just leave them to it?

[sandyballs]

DD is having problems at school with a controlling best friend. She has know this girl since infant school and she has always been a 'strong character' but lately seems worse.

She seems jealous of any other friends DD has, constantly puts them down or suggests they could be DDs best friend instead of her. when DD speaks to other girls, this girls (let's call her K) gets the hump and gives DD a hard time. K has other friends, lots of them, but it seems she wants DD to be exclusively hers. There have been little episodes of this in the past and at primary but it has escalated in the last few weeks. DD invited a friend home last week and K kicked off in the playground. This ended up with DD lying to the friend about having netball practice and she would need to rearrange, and DD went home with K instead.

I realise DD needs to grow a pair really and not tiptoe round K. We had a chat last night and she has agreed to stand up to her more and do what she wants to do. I've said if she doesn't put this into practice I would talk to K's mum as it's making DD unhappy but is thst usual practice at this age or do you leave them to sort it out?

DD has said thst she calls her a geek and a nerd because she is doing well at school and is quite studious, I just don't feel that a so called 'best friend' should be behaving like this.

I'm very friendly with her mum, both families spend a lot of time together and I know her parents would be horrified to hear this.

Incidentally the other girl who was let down last week knew Dd was lying about netball practice and went home in tears which has upset Dd. This girls mum told me at the weekend and she added that a lot of girls are keeping away from Dd because of K. I worry she'll end up alone.

Sorry for essay, bloody girls and their friendship ishoos!

I would not actively get involved with another parent, and would only conctact the school if I thought dc was being bullied. Generally speaking, I think a 14yo should be managing her own relationships unless there is a serious issue of bullying or risk of MH issues.

For one thing, you only hear one side of the story, not saying your dd is not truthful but she is thinking of it mainly as it affects her. I have heard many very plausible evaluations of friendships by dd over the years and then come back to them a few months later to find she now sees them in a totally different light- and would not have thanked me to act on her first impression.

(and sometimes I have also found out things about dd's behaviour at the time that have shocked me but that she didn't think of telling me)

Often what they need at this age is a sounding board; someone it is safe to vent to precisely because they know you're not going to go steaming in there. If you react too much, they will stop telling you things.

So I would warn dd of the social dangers of listening too much to her friend, and I would register disapproval of her lie to the other girl, but I would then leave her to find a better way of dealing with it- maybe after discussion with me.

Thanks Cory that's very sensible advice. I agree that I only hear one side, although I have heard from other people that DDs account is pretty accurate. But she isn't perfect by any means and there could be other stuff going on.

She's 12, not 14, but I don't suppose that really matters. The fact is, they're at secondary and can't have mummy jumping in sorting everything out.

She's too much of a 'pleaser' and needs to be firmer I think.

Sandyballs, I've sent you a pm about my dd, who has been in a similar position, but as the other girl, not your dd.

My dd has found some books very useful, particularly 'stand up for yourself and your friends'. It's American (on Amazon), but the same stuff is relevent regardless of country. Prior to reading this with her (my dd is younger-your dd could read it on her own), I was telling her what I would say/do in this situation. However, dd is not me and, with the help of this book, was able to work out what she was comfortable saying/doing...I am much more bolshy than she is, but actually her responses are super cool and less confrontational than mine! She is a lot happier.

Thanks all, and thanks DeWe, that's helpful. I'll get that book defineme, DD hates confrontation and I think that's why she finds herself in these situations, she's far too easy going. Her sister would just laugh at K and tell her head needs examining!

It is best they learn to work these things out for themselves before the issues get - potentially - more serious. There may come a time when problems involve boyfriends, drink, smoking or drugs. It is important that they learn themselves how to life their own life not one someone else would like them to live.