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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Overruling child’s choice of secondary school

32 replies

Purp1eSky · 19/10/2013 04:43

We have to apply for a secondary school place for our ds by Oct 31st but we don’t agree! My dh and I both feel strongly that the best school for our ds is the one for which we are in catchment, but there is another very good, but very different school which our ds wants to go to that is a similar distance away. The majority of his classmates will go to the catchment area school, but there will also be a number of children going to the other school.

We have discussed with him a number of reasons for wanting him to go to our preferred school, but he cannot be persuaded. There is however one reason which is a strong influence for me which we have not been able to discuss and that is that I am terminally ill and am unlikely to be around for the whole of his education. I feel that he would get better support through the difficult time ahead at our preferred school, but we cannot discuss this with him as he doesn’t know the full extent of my illness as at the moment.

He hasn’t been able to articulate his reasons for wanting to go to the other school or his reasons for not wanting to go to our preferred school so it is difficult to reassure him. We suspect his real reason is simply that one of his best friends (who will almost definitely go to the other school as his sisters already go there) has been influencing him, but he does have another best friend who will go to our preferred school.

I feel so strongly that our preference is the right choice for our ds that I want to overrule his wishes, but I am worried that he will resent this and may have difficulty settling in just because he did not get his choice. Does anyone have any experience of overruling their child’s choice of secondary school?

OP posts:
EuroStar2013 · 22/10/2013 14:59

DeWe - that takes my breath away. Do you REALLY think the OP and her family won't have considered that he knows? I expect she has been down every avenue and into every scenario there is, both really and in thought, and doesn't need yet another story from someone who isn't living it. She asked for advice about schools, not on how she deals with her illness, and she has made that clear. That's the last I'll say, promise

Bumbez · 23/10/2013 16:41

Op I have thought about you all day I am in the situation of trying to choose a secondary school for my year 6 dd, and agonising over league tables.

Your situation is so sad and my heart goes out to you. I'm going to stop the agonising, as your post has put things into perspective for me. Dd doesn't mind where she goes, but my first choice is a school with good pastoral care because I feel that it's important.

Purp1eSky · 29/04/2016 17:54

It's a long time since I posted this thread and LOTS has happened so in case anyone wants to know the outcome here it is... Firstly, yes I am (still!) terminally ill, but the treatment I am on has kept me stable for much longer than anyone anticipated so I am still here and I'm feeling quite well considering. Secondly, my ds is happily settled at secondary school... and yes he went to our preferred school (hooray!). However, I did put down his preference as first choice and our preference second and left it like that for months without speaking about it, then 2 weeks before the allocations were due to be announced, ds came home and said he didn't want to go to his choice anymore! So after a discussion to make sure he was sure I phoned up and changed the preferences. I'm so pleased it was his choice in the end. Thanks to everyone who offered advice.

OP posts:
Sadusername · 02/05/2016 10:45

Hi, I'm glad things have worked out for the best on both fronts, school and your treatment. I didn't realise how old the thread was when I read it. I was going to chip in with my 10 cents worth. My daughter had to change schools at the end of year9. Not being in favour of grammar schools or more importantly, not confident she would get in, I steered her to the local comp which she absolutely hated. She applied by herself to get to the grammar for 6th form, worked very hard for her GCSEs and is very happy there!

sashh · 02/05/2016 12:00

I think you need to discuss your illness with him otherwise he might be resentful of you for either stopping him going to the school he wanted, or to allow him to go knowing that you are so ill.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation and I can only guess at how difficult it might be to discuss this. He probably knows something is not right but can't work out what.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 04/05/2016 12:56

sashh you need read the thread.

Purp1e thank you for updating this thread and I am pleased you are doing well.

Secondary choice is a hard decision so I am glad your situation worked out. We also sent our son to a different secondary than all of his friends but we had moved house so were able to address it much earlier on in the process. However, he was still attending the same primary school.

Your original post from 2013 was at the same time as our own application. I hope you continue to remain stable on your meds. Flowers

NewLife4Me · 04/05/2016 13:00

Sorry to hear about your illness.
I know several parents who decided on the school their dc would attend for various reasons.
Sometimes it isn't their decision to make and it's your job as a parent to make the decision anyway.
I certainly wouldn't feel bad about making the right decision for the child and family in general.

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