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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

"So-called friend"

84 replies

SanityClause · 02/10/2013 11:59

DD2 is 12, in year 8.

There is a girl in her class who she was good friends with from year 3. They would sometimes fall out, then make up friends, as people do.

However, particularly since they have been in the senior school, things have become quite unpleasant between them.

The girl (X) began to ignore DD, for no apparent reason, for weeks at a time. While this was happening, she would also encourage others in the friendship group to ignore DD.

After a while, she would decide to be friends. She would give her reasons for the falling out to be things like "I'm sorry, I was in a bad mood, and I took it out on you." or "I called you in the corridor, but you didn't answer, so I thought you were ignoring me" (DD had not heard her call.) At first DD was happy to make friends with her, but she soon got tired of the cycle, and stopped wanting to be friends with her. Then X would involve all their other friends and DD would feel very pressurised into making up, only to be subject to the same silent treatment a few weeks later.

As DD became more resolute in not wanting to make up friends again, X started to involve the rest of the class in pressurising DD to be friends with her. At least once, she had the form teacher involved in "peacemaking". (The next time it happened, I emailed the teacher to ask her, politely, to stay out of it, on DD's request.)

X makes things very difficult for DD, when she is ignoring her. She will say nasty things about her to other friends. If DD is chatting to someone, X will call them away, to speak to them "urgently".

It seems like, not content to ostrasize DD herself, she wants to encourage the rest of the girls to do so.

Recently, she has really ramped up the situation, trying to get DD in to trouble. In one practical lesson, DD and her partner were next to X and her partner. They were a bit rowdy, and X told the teacher, who (rightly) told them off. But a couple of days later, X told the teacher that it had happened again, which was untrue. (DD had to go to the teacher to explain - luckily she was believed.)

So.

A couple of days ago, X's mother rang me to say that X had come out of school in tears, because DD had spread a rumour about her. I questioned DD, and she told me that she and three other girls had been joking between the four of them, that one of the four had had sex with X (a silly schoolgirl joke, although, I agree not fair to joke about X who wasn't there - I have spoken to DD about this).

Somehow, the joke spread beyond the four of them. DD did not spread it, and I think possibly it was overheard by someone else, who spread it as a rumour. The rumour was spread over the course of the afternoon, but no one spoke about it at all the following day. So, X had a very unpleasant afternoon.

DD sent a text to X apologising profusely about her part in the situation. X replied to the text demanding that DD go round to tell everyone she had spread the rumour to that it was not true. In fact, DD had not spread the rumour, so had no one to tell. And in any case, as DD pointed out, that would only dredge it up again, and be worse for X.

X has blamed only DD and does not apportion any blame to the other girls in the four. Further, she has told others (including one of the group of four "jokers") that DD's apology is not a proper apology.

So it seems to me that she is now using this as just one further thing to get at DD.

X's mother does not believe DD's version of events, even though X was not there at the time, and therefore could not have known how the rumour started. She was very upset and apalled at the nature of the joking. (Perhaps that was coloured by the fact that it had caused the horrible rumour though, rather than actually being offended by it, though, because I thought the joke quite tame, although not really amusing.)

So, my concern is this. That X will continue to try to ostracize DD from her friends, and make her school life very difficult. DD is low down the social pecking order in the class, anyway, and can't afford to lose friends, as she would find it hard to make new ones.

Should I speak to the school, or is it all too nebulous?

OP posts:
alpinemeadow · 04/10/2013 21:38

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SanityClause · 04/10/2013 21:47

Driz, I do appreciate you're only trying to aggravate. DD did not spread rumours. RTFT?

Thanks for asking, alpine. The HOY emailed me, afterwards.

"DD and X feel that their friendship is currently not working. They have decided that they will remain civil towards one another as they share a friendship group.

They both agreed they would not discuss the matter further with any third parties and if there are any future misunderstanding or unpleasantness they will come to me for help.

I was incredibly impressed with the maturity both girls showed and they left walking to lunch together. They both shook hands and made it clear they did not want to upset one another any further."

So, it sounds promising, but we shall see.

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alpinemeadow · 04/10/2013 22:17

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Driz · 04/10/2013 23:37

Ah, ok she wasn't spreading nasty rumours, just starting them? I get it.
Why should they come to you? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to seek advice from someone neutral? You sound very interfering, I feel sorry for the other girl more and more.

Shootingatpigeons · 04/10/2013 23:47

Driz You sound a bit 12 yourself...... Yes you are right, leave it to the adults who have some clue what is really going on

Driz · 05/10/2013 01:28

Haaa haaa shooting! And with that comment so do you! Grin

alpinemeadow · 05/10/2013 06:23

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Ilovegeorgeclooney · 05/10/2013 08:06

I have to say as a teacher and a mother of two daughters that Year 8 girls are vile to each other. 'Mean Girls' is a very accurate film! The good thing is that by Year 9 it settles down and by Year 10 most are really lovely and supportive of each other.

It is one of the differences between boys and girls. Generally with boys a playground scuffle and a headlock will satisfy honour and all is well. Unfortunately girls use words.

SanityClause · 05/10/2013 08:19

Actually, Ilove, I have an older DD, as well, and she doesn't seem to have had any of the same problems, at all. Different ones, but not this kind of thing.

I'm pleased that you and other teachers on this thread have acknowledged what a problem this kind of thing can be. Because, as I have said earlier, it sounds like nothing at all, but has made DD miserable.

Also, it's good to know that, in your experience, we probably only have a year or so of it left!

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alpinemeadow · 05/10/2013 08:42

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Ilovegeorgeclooney · 05/10/2013 09:17

I think we take it very seriously. The issue is the way children are a lot more manipulative than people often believe. However it is all a part of growing up and it is important that we teach pupils that being unkind is unacceptable. I spend a proportion of every working day doing this. What I was trying to say is that even if a child is mean or unkind at this age it doesn't mean they will be an unpleasant adult. It is just a stage. Fortunately most learn this, although you don't always see that on Mumsnet!!!!

alpinemeadow · 05/10/2013 09:33

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Ilovegeorgeclooney · 05/10/2013 09:45

We do the talk don't shout technique so each has a minute to say something and then the other responds and vice versa. Sometimes just being forced to actually listen to each other is enough, they tend to realise they do have the same feelings and generally that is enough to stop the casual cruelty they inflict on each other.

Shootingatpigeons · 05/10/2013 11:29

sanity my older DD didn't have these sorts of problems either, her year were lovely, there were different friendship groups with different values but they all had a basic respect for each other. It only takes a few difficult characters to subvert the norms which is what happened in my younger DDs year and the school struggled to cope. One Head of Year said it was the most difficult bunch of girls she had had to cope with in 30 years. It can happen at any school but that does not mean it happens all the time at every school.

Shootingatpigeons · 05/10/2013 11:39

And nor should you underestimate the impact on the confidence of the excluded. DD has moved schools and after a year I am finally seeing her grow in confidence and start to blossom, she says that only now is she starting to realise that none of the girls at her new school are playing games, they really are being friendly and nice and she can trust them. Yesterday she led a debate in the Philosophy Club and came home full of it, she would never have dared to put herself out there at her old school, she was always afraid she would be knocked back, and she would have got lots of snide comments. I wish we had got her out of there sooner.

mistlethrush · 05/10/2013 12:08

My year was particularly difficult - had been in junior school and carried on being so. One form out of the three (not mine) managed to bully a new teacher to the extent that she left the profession after only 6 months. I don't know whether they got better - I kept to myself and did my own thing so never got caught up in the horridness any more. Needless to say I have no school friends I still keep up with so they might still be the bitches they were to me now.

Shootingatpigeons · 05/10/2013 14:12

mistlethrush "so they might still be the bitches" Yes the cool crowd at DDs old school are now 17/18 and have colonised a corner of the sixth form room where they have installed a sound system and play loud gangsta music (they are all white, blonde and middle class, they exclude anyone who isn't Hmm) . Anyone not cool who dares to sit on their seats or asks them to turn it down gets hissed at and called a "snake". I don't think they are going to stop being unpleasant little bullies anytime soon.

SanityClause · 05/10/2013 19:19

The thing is, DD is being excluded from the "nerds". The cool girls are waaaay beyond what she could aspire to.

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alpinemeadow · 05/10/2013 19:27

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SanityClause · 05/10/2013 19:34

I think she'll be okay. She does have other friends in other classes, and plays with the orchestra and sings with a choir and has a singing lesson. So, it's two lunchtimes and five morning breaks she's with friends.

When I say she's being excluded from the nerds, that's worst case scenario.

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Oblomov · 05/10/2013 19:56

I too think you are being too dismissive of what a nasty thing your dd did.
She was nastily joking about x. It then became a rumour and spread.
Your dd and x are as bad as each other.

SanityClause · 05/10/2013 20:27

Oblomov, I have not dismissed what DD did. Read the full thread perhaps?

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Oblomov · 05/10/2013 20:30

Sanity, I have.
Please read what I wrote and don't put words in my mouth.
I said you were too dismissive.
Not that you dismissed. There is a difference.

SanityClause · 05/10/2013 20:51

Well, you will know that DD has had a miserable 18 months.

X has had a miserable afternoon.

Sorry if that's being "too dismissive" for you.

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Driz · 05/10/2013 21:47

But how do you know that your dd hasn't given as good as she got for the last 18 months? You only have your dd's side of the story and quite frankly someone who is capable of making up such nasty rumours isneedy likely to have been cruel in the past as well. I would really look into how your daughter has been behaving, especially since you acknowledge that the friend was having a really tough time at home

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