Coping strategies for daughter starting secondary school

[SerendipityAlways]

I know this has probably been done to death each year on MN but here goes..DD starting in secondary school on Monday, large school with 5/6 classes of 1st years..shes found out (unofficially) that she won't be in the same class as her 2 BFs (who will apparently be in the same class). She's devastated and I'm trying to put on a very brave face for her here (I'm gutted too for her but trying not to show any of it of course!) . I'm giving her the usual lines of how exciting it is to be starting off and meeting and making new friends etc etc but to be honest it's all sounding a bit hollow to be honest. I really want her to start off on the right foot, and to be happy about the whole experience, she doesn't know what other girls are yet in her class..I'd really love to hear from any of you who've been throught this experience already where your daighter has to start without the security blanket of her best friends around her. Shes my eldest DD and this is all new to me!

Agree with the previous poster.

Draw on your previous experience of meeting new people- at work, school gates, whatever and how you felt nervous but met some great people.

I use the asking questions as an icebreaker tactic too. Whether it's playing dumb and asking someone to repeat what the teacher said or ask someone where they got their shoes, bag or pencil case - I think it's an easy way to start a conversation.
Joining clubs is a good way to meet people with the same interests.

My son is going into y8 and I was nervous for him this time last year but he's made great mates.

Do you know any Mums with daughters going to the same school? You could phone them and see which class they are in - you might find one in the same tutor group. My daughter was in a tiny tutor group (only 20) and had five girls from her old class and the other five girls came from a small school so all recognized each other. This might be something other schools do, so hopefully there will be someone she recognizes.

My daughter actually arranged to meet with a large local group of girls at our house on her first day and they all walked in together, even if going into different classes. They really enjoyed that and were excited about seeing each other after the six weeks holidays. If she can't walk with others, perhaps, she could arrange to meet them outside on the first day so they will have a few minutes together.

My daughter's school has a registration class and after that they are all split up into sets based on ability and with DT they are taught in groups accordingly to the alphabet. My daughter has one friend who she has most lessons with, but the others she sees about four lessons every week. My daughter actually met a lovely girl the first morning in PE and they have met every break time since (unless doing a lunchtime group) with her other friends since. They have a set place they meet every lunchtime so know where to meet each other.

I think I was more worried about the move to secondary school than my daughter, so try not to pass your concerns to her. The one thing I needed to allow was time for her to tell me about everything new or concerns she had (like getting lost) and just generally be there for her. I'm sure once she has settled in, she will have a great time and meet others.

My DD went to secondary school knowing no-one. I was worried silly, but once she got there, she found many many others in a similar boat. I wouldn't focus too much on the fact that the other 2 girls are not in her tutor group - this is used mainly for registration and the classes are often mixed up for the subjects. It is possible that the other 2 girls will be in one or more of her subject groups anyway.

It is hard when you are worried, but if I were you, with hindsight I would focus on the overall experience that she has to look forward to, rather than feeling that it has all got off to a bad start. You can busy yourself with making the final preparations with stationery etc. and uniform if you still have bits to do. I would chat about all the lovely facilities that the new school offers, so much more than junior school, such as sports halls and equipment, music rooms and instruments, a big library, lots of clubs with older keen interested students to involve yourself in, computer rooms with loads of computers plus more choice at lunch etc. There is so much to look forward to.

I would keep the first few days at home very low-key once she starts - she is likely to be very tired. She will probably come home after a couple of days telling you funny stories and telling you about all the lovely new people she has met. Good luck.

Thank you all so much for such wonderful, sensible and thoughtful advice..I'm literally in tears at some of your kind words. I've tried to impress upon DD that everyone in her class will be feeling the same as she is....and to give everyone a chance. Shes just a bit gutted at the prospect of not being with her 2 BFs and the fact that she might "lose" them as friends as a result..even tho I dont think this will ultimately happen as they all pay in a music group together anyway and meet up quite frequenty. I'm sure I'll look back upon this in a few months time and smile but just for the present, its a daunting prospect for DD and I really feel for her. Some of her friends appear not to be at all phased by the experience and are wholly looking fwd to secondary school and I just want her to feel the same way without being encumbered by worries about not being with her friends etc.

DD is in the same position as Monikar's daughter, knowing no one except a girl she thinks she recognises from a local choir! I'll pass on some of these hints.

As she said herself, 'It's probably worse if you go with your best friend and then fall out with them the first week...'

Please assure her she won't lose her friends, even if they are in different classes. I was very upset too at being put in a different class to my BF, but when we were set we ended up back together.

DD2 isn't and probably never will be in the same set as her primary school friends apart from the two brightest boys, because the cleverest girl went to another school. However, she does loads of lunch time sport with one old friend and sees the other on the bus. She went out with this friend yesterday and is seeing her top table partner in crime tomorrow.

She also has lots of new friends, who are in her lessons and has seen one of them twice this holiday too.

Honestly, everyone is in the same boat and even those with friends in their class will want new friends too. dDs new group happen to know each other from primary, but that doesn't stop them including DD in sleepovers etc.

Wish her good luck and assure her it will be ok.

Honestly, if even Billy no mates DD1 has friends to rub along with and share a room with on trips, she will be fine.

I wouldn't worry too much about it...My daughter is in another country away from her bff...I think , hopefully she can bring out her bright bubbly self and make friends.. ..I like the advice about being a good listener...thanks for that...

Some more great re-assuring advice - thank you!

If you are worried speak to the school. My son had major panic attacks when he found out he was going to be in a class on his own and made himself sick over it. It was a horrible time for us all. I spoke to the school and they were great and moved him into a class where he knew another person. They also helped him cope with his anxiety and stress, including a special course for stressed/anxious children to enable them to cope. He is just fine now and doing really well. What is funny is that he said he really likes the kids in the class he was supposed to go in and hangs out with them much more than the kids in his current tutor group - typical

My only dc is starting secondary school too after being HE'd.
She is very nervous and I am doing the brave face thing, whilst inwardly trying to think of a reason not to send her.
Maybe we can hold virtual hands for the first couple of weeks

Isla the brave face thing is the best way to go but it is hard to carry out.

My DD had some problems at junior school and was worried about leaving me. I gave her a small trinket of mine to put in her pocket and told her that if she felt it through the pocket when she was nervous then I would be thinking about her as I was thinking of her all day. She was a little younger than your DD but it did the trick and got her over some difficult days.

Oh that's a great idea, my dd is a very young 11 and that would be right up her street. Thankyou so much.

Would it be worth talking to your daughter about how the other children might be feeling, those who don't know anyone? Unlike your daughter they won't have anyone to look for at break or dinner or in class. Obviously I'm not saying she should go 'round checking, but perhaps she can be smiley and friendly to everyone, just in case they feel worse than she does.

Also, I think not having a very close friend in the same form group is better in a way, as it'll be easier to make new friends.

Maybe take an age appropriate magazine in her bag. I remember my daughters class bonding over boy bands during break times at that age.

I think the worst part of secondary school, if you don't know anyone, are the breaks and lunch. The fact that your DD already has her two friends there will help her at this stage. DD started high school on Thursday and does know two girls on her class but doesn't like them (one bulllied her). She asked the other girls what school they were from and what music they liked! There is one girl who is very shy and I've told DD to ask her if she wants to walk/go to lunch with her even if there isn't much chat at the moment.
It's never as bad as thou think it's going to be.

Good luck to your DD

Thank you all (and holding virtual hands with Isla!) DD has just come home after day one and she seems quite happy, which is a huge relief to me. It was tough tho at the school this morning when the class lists were distributed, quite a lot of the other girls ended up in amongst groups of their friends,and my daughters class is a bit of a mix, no particular friends, but as I keep saying to her, give everyone a chance. It was a bit of a blessing in one way to have heard in advance that she wouldn't be with her 2 BFs as she was able to "adjust her face" and she was prepared for it. God, this week is taking more out of me than I thought!