Starting to have doubts

[ktbabe]

Hello everyone. I often check this site for tips and advice, and now its time I need some advice myself :(

My 11 year old DS is due to start high school in September. I'm not totally new to this as I have a DD about to enter year 10. However, my DD hated primary school so we were excited she was finally leaving and going to a new school with new people and a totally fresh start (only 1 from her primary went to the same school). She flourished and is happy and doing extremely well. The school is excellent and I have no complaints about it at all.

Now onto my doubts.

My DS loves primary school, has tons of friends that hes known since nursery and is doing brilliantly. Naturally we got him a placement in the same high school as DD. He was happy with this and although only 2 other boys from his school are going to this school (neither of which he really has anything to do with throughout primary), he didnt seem to be concerned about that to start with.

Lately however, both of us are having doubts. 95% of his friends are going to a different school, one that is in our catchment area. He wants to be with his friends and go to this school with them and was completely miserable today going into his final day at primary. He is very, very shy and sensitive, making friends wont be impossible but it will be pretty hard for him. I keep telling him he can still hang out with his friends after school, just because they are going to different schools doesnt mean they cant still call for each other. He argued that they wont want anything to do with him as they will have new friends and he will be the odd one out as he doesnt go to their school.

Have I done the right thing? Should I move him to the school his friends are going to? (which isnt the best school in the area, has a lot of bad feedback, bad grades, bad teaching attitudes etc, it just isnt really the school I would choose for my kids..but my DS seems so unhappy at the moment). Is it normal to have these doubts? :(

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

It sounds like the one he is going to is a better school and your son has form for being able to make friends easily and get on well with others. This is a good sign and the chances are he will be just as happy in his new school (and also have a set of friends outside school.) You could always move him at the end of the first year if it was working out?

Why don't you suggest to him that he gives your chosen school a try (say, half-term) and if he is really unhappy you will swap him. By half-term, he should have settled in fine and made new friends! They don't seem to understand that when they change schools they will be put with new people anyway and are very unlikely to be with many old friends. My DD2 was put in a class with nobody she knew and it has been the making of her. She still sees her old village friends at Guides and meets up when they all want too. He will be fine but I would stick with your choice as it seems to be the better school.

No, don't move him. It's normal and very common for children to be upset at leaving primary and apprehensive about starting secondary.

You have made what you think is the best choice for hi : and it sounds it. Plenty of children go to High School not knowing many others, but they soon find new mates. My boys both did and have just had to move again (aged 14 and 16) due to job relocation; they're not natural socialites, but they're finding their way and fitting in.

Focus on having a busy, happy summer with lots of activities to keep his mind of it. Try and keep the prep to a minimum and in a focused period rather than spreading it through the hols (ie buying/choosing uniform, bag, stationery, etc.)

I really sympathise - and I think he is right, it can be difficult to maintain friendships from different secondary schools, especially in terms of weekdays after school - I would be non-comittal about that - they may all have different schedules, clubs, homework requirements etc. But IMO, you can't move him to a worse school for that reason and especially one that doesn't sound like a particularly happy place.

I think you should stick with your choice. The majority of children moving from primary to secondary do not stay with their primary friends. He is bound to feel anxious. If it is a good school, they will manage the transition well. Schools are used to this. This is an instance when parents know best. www.how-to-choose-a-school.org/summary/friendship-groups.html has a reassuring section on friendship groups and a good case study.

Thank you for the replies everyone. We both feel much better today about the whole thing. Infact, as I read my previous post I thought to myself, ''why on earth was I worried?!''.

We had a loooong chat last night and DS said to me he feels fine now about high school and put the nerves down to it being his last primary day. He was so worried that he'd never ever see his friends from primary school again. 30 minutes later they were knocking the door! lol. I did tell him IF things got bad and he really wasnt happy then maybe we could think about transferring him to another high school, but on the grounds that he has to complete a full term first, to give it a good try.

He is happy. I am happy. Everyone is happy!