Am I making good choice? Whitgift, Wimbledon and a MAJOR change

[Ebullient]

Hi mumsnetters,

I often read past discussions and find these very helpful. Feeling increasingly stressed, I'd like to share my dilemma.

My DS, Year 5, got really disheartened with his prep. Since last year he's been nagging to change his school. It's a good prep that sends scores of children to the top schools every year. In Years 2,3 he had good results (between 80-90 pct) and boasted great self-confidence. In Year 4 this changed - his self-confidence went downhill as did his results. Now both of these are only a shadow of what they were. Around the same time my husband and I were going through divorce and this has certainly affected DS.

Because of the divorce and cost of living in Central London, I'll have to move a bit far out. Clearly the question where to move is tied up with the schools, which are both currently in Central London. As DS went on and on about complaining about his school, I thought that this was the chance to kill two birds with one stone. We visited a couple of schools - Dulwich and Whitgift and my son literally fell in love with Whitgift. Seeing him so excited and 'wanting' a school was a breeze of fresh air. He sat late 10+ exams. Effortlessly got in. He's due to start this Sep.

His dad isn't that happy with the choice of the school, and neither are grandparents. Understandably, they all dreamt of seeing this child in one of the top schools. They all hold me responsible for making this 'lousy' choice, for giving in DS's complaints. My ex is still probing whether we'd reverse our decision and keep him a bit longer at the current prep. To be honest, I don't know myself. On one hand, I want DS to be happy, self-confident and thriving. On the other, what if they were right, what if with this hasty decision I'm depriving DS of a better school later on?

This is not all only about schools. It's also about commuting. My DS2 is in a good state primary next door. I looked at Wimbledon as a potential place to move, and there are lots of good primaries there. However, an in-year place in one of the better schools isn't guaranteed and we'd need to commute to his current school. This could go on for a year or longer.

On the other hand, DS2 and I could escort DS1 by overground to South Croydon every morning. Gosh, what a drag that could be! And hire a chaperon to collect and bring him home in the afternoon. Or we could leave all as it is till DS1 is 13. The housing issue isn't urgent and I could stay where we're for another few years..

I am really quite lost. Would appreciate what anyone has to say.
Thanks!

I know a family whose son failed to get a place at KCS this year. He is an exceptionally bright boy. He scored in the high 90s on his maths and reasoning exams but didn't do so well in English (only 70%) and didn't cut it.

Whitgift is an excellent school and unless your DS is an absolute whizz kid, I can't see why you would give up a certainty for an uncertain outcome trying for KCS.

I would stick to your guns and let DS start. Once his GPs and dad see how much he loves it they will surely shut up?

I would back a move to somewhere with Grammar schools or other great State schools (Kent, Bucks, Reading, Essex or for a fabulous Comprehensive eg. Effingham?). Get yourself out of their clutches, don't allow them to continue to control you through school fees.

You could also talk to Whitgift being honest and see if they can help at all. If you can fund the fees or have a court order they maybe able to have the discretion to forgo the two signatures.

Thanks so much everybody for participating to resolve this messy situation. It's great to hear what all of you have to say.

Scaevola and Ladymack - I so hoped a deferral would be an option. Went to talk to the school today. Alas it's not possible. They apparently never grant anyone a deferral. The only option is to finalise the divorce, apply for the next year as a single parent with my signature alone and have DS1 sit exams again. If he passes and gets an offer I'll be the only one to sign the formal acceptance letter. Unfortunately, sitting the exams again is the only way.

Basildonbond - by rebelling I won't get anything. If I rebel now and say to him, if you veto Whitgift, I veto DS's continuing at his current prep. But then what? State school for one year? And then what?
The grandparents by the way have formally agreed to pay the fees. Rather it's my ex who's being stubborn and unreasonable. From what I understand, grandparents will pay for DS2 from age 7 onwards as long as he goes to a school they approve of. They started paying DS1's fees from age 6. Before we did it. Though I agree their treatment is biased and unfair. But then again what can I do? If I rebel, they'll say fine, keep DS2 in the state school till 11.

Mendi - thanks, this was my very reasoning from the beginning. And that's why I put him into Whitgift. But you see, the school won't let him start in Sep - unless - both parents sign the form. I went to talk to them today and was honest about my situation. They said, no chance for him to start if I sign it alone. They had had bad experience in the past with wife signing it alone, then father suing her and the school.

mummytime - thanks to you too! I wish I could move somewhere like you say. But at the moment I have very little leverage. It's too long to explain and no, I'm not a wimp. It's juts how things are the moment. I do want to get out of their clutches though and do take steps in that direction.