Do I keep ringing school up about "low grade" bullying or tell dd that's life?

[VivaLeBeaver]

Blimey, I don't know what to do with dd since she started Yr 7, never had to ring primary school in the last couple of years but I seem to be on the phone no end now.

DD is unhappy at school, has been for a bit. She had two incidents of physical bullying against her when she started, one kids was suspended, the other was read the riot act and warned about a suspension. They've both been fine since and left her alone.

A couple of weeks ago dd was saying she hadn't got many/any friends and spent breaks, etc on her own. I rang the head of Yr 7 and told her this, I know she can't make other kids be friends with dd but I wanted to let her know dd was saying she was unhappy.

The HOY was suprised and said she sees dd hanging around with other kids and dd does often seem to talk about stuff she's done at lunch time with other kids, etc.

Today she says she got to school and there was a girl there who doesn't like dd much. This girl was saying stuff to her friend about dd like "oh , why is that thing (meaning dd) there, she's such a freak, etc". They left and dd ignored it.

Later on dd told another girl what happened and they asked the first girl about it and she denyed it. DD said all the girls in her English class were in a huddle talking about her to this girl while giving dd dirty looks.

Do I ring the HOY again? Do I tell DD just to try and avoid this girl and hang out with nicer girls??? Which is what I've done so far.

I may be biased but I think dd is a sweet kid but she can be socially unaware I think as well as a bit of a geek. She told me today she was with a friend in the common room at lunch. Some boys teased her friend and her friend flounced out so dd said she was on her own. I asked her why she didn't follow her friend and make sure she was OK, and it obviously hadn't crossed her mind. As soon as I said it it was like she realised she could have/should have done it.

She's not into make up and Bieber like most of the girls.....she likes Minecraft and CountryFile, doesn't watch soaps, etc.

If she wasn't so unhappy about stuff I wouldn't tell the school - its the sort of thing I put up with at school. But it didn't really bother me and I wasn't unhappy. Had a couple of geeky mates and we hung out together. I think dd is desperate to be popular and is just going to have to accept she won't be. But then she shouldn't have to put up with girls been nasty but it seems to be a fact of secondary school.

It's in the school's interest for a child to do well and a child that is unhappy will be underperforming.

The school will ignore any problem it does not know about.

1. Keep a diary of the incidents and record everything that happens, date and time and what was said.
2. Ring the school tomorrow and tell the class tutor what has been going on.
3. Write to the school/teacher about the problems. It needn?t be long and rambling just short and to the point. "Dear Headmaster..." ?I am very disappointed to find that ? My son/daughter is very unhappy at school because ??
4. At the end of next week, check with the school to see what has been done. Ask them what progress has been made regarding these problems.
5. How the school addresses parental concerns is a measure of how good the school is.

Good Luck

She does seem to have at least one friend as opposed to no friends,.....maybe she needs support from the school with social skills.
She probably will never be part of the "in"crowd, but so what? My dd never was and is happy at school.

The school needs telling and she needs support with social skills. I was that kid and it really fucked me up for a while. Eventually as an adult I am teaching myself social skills. Trouble is I don't know what support is out there - a good school should have something in their pastoral care, but mine wouldn't have done, it was sink or swim. This site is aimed at adults but you might find something to help her: www.succeedsocially.com/ I've learnt quite a bit from it.

I'm not sure writing to the head is the answer - neither does it seem fair to say the school 'will ignore any problem it doesn't know about' - by definition, if you don't know, you're not ignoring.

When my dd had a rough time in year 9, I emailed her form tutor to ask what if anything she'd noticed, and to make sure she was aware - one thing she did which was really useful was communicate with other subject teachers and reassure me that dd's work was ok and she seemed alright in class: you could ask the form tutor to do something similar?

I think the reassuring and the giving of tools to deal with inevitable friendship incidents is something that really only you can do - keeping her safe and as happy as possible is the school's. I'd be inclined to speak to her form tutor rather than HoY, as (s)he is more likely to know and have observed your dd, whereas HoY will be slightly more detached.

Good luck - I know it's rotten.

DD1 would tell her to grow a thick skin and join as many lunch time activities as possible. DD sings and works in the library, in the past she's done other things too.

If they are really getting to you ask if there is someone to talk to.

Y7s are horrible, the slightest difference and they are vile. DD1 is dyslexic and was socially somewhat immature. She isn't greatly bothered by peer pressure even at 15.

Fortunately, because of her dyslexia, I had spoken to the Senco and she gave DD1 permission to see one of the TAs. A brilliant lady who let DD let if steam when they were being horrible. I don't think she ever brought home a 1/4 of their nastiness as she knew it made me feel hopeless.

You need to Email school and see what activities there are your DD could do and if they have mentors to speak to. Don't ring, schools tend to give better results if allowed to consider their answer.

And it does get better, if you ignore them long enough they get bored. The nicer, want to get somewhere girls tend to come out the wood work when options are choosen in Y9 and DD1 now seems to have friends. Not to the extent of bring them here, but certainly in school.

DD1 does have friends that she sees out of school, but they are family friends DDs and other girls from her old Guides, which was in the opposite direction to school as she was avoiding her Y7.

It sounds to me like the situation is changing day to day, and could easily resolve themselves. I would only approach the school about chronic problems. But keep the DD talking to me daily so that I felt aware.

Just to say I used to be your dd, but I didn't tell anyone, and the damage has been very long lasting. I hate this low level bitchy, exclusion bullying with a passion.

Both my ddtwins are more like your dd, but they've always had each other and have become part of a group of militant anti Bieber etc campaigners . It took until about this time in Year 7 for them to start finding each other though.

Schools can help with simple things like just ensuring girls are sat beside other girls they might form a bond with. I know this has been done for pastoral reasons at least twice with mine, one didn't really work - they liked each other well enough but the girl has not become part of the group - but the other has been a great success to the extent that her mum's got me on speed dial to get her sent home, she's spending so much time hanging out here after school.

I'm not sure that you could call the incident in your OP 'bullying' because at the moment it seems to be an isolated incident - a girl who doesn't like your DD said something mean, later denied it and then discuss it with her group of friends. My understanding of bullying is that it is repeated targetting.

But that's not to say that your DD doesn't need some help, and I would be making an appointment to sit down and talk it through properly rather than making repeated phone calls.

I think this kind of very low level bullying is the hardest to deal with. It's one of the very rare occasions where I think your DD's best bet is to toughen up. No one should have to put up with bullying of any kind, but we also have to learn in life that not every one will like us, some will dislike us for reasons of their own that we can do nothing about, and they'll make it obvious. Adults do this a lot too. Work colleagues are very guilty of it. The best way to deal with it is to learn how to genuinely rise above it.

First, she needs to really build her self confidence so that the opinions of people who are mean and spiteful mean absolutely zilch to her. There are books you can buy on this, or she could start going to a drama club which really helps, or you can just help her learn how to not let others make her feel low. It's hard, but it is worth it.

Then she has to strengthen what friendships she does have: learn to be a good friend so that she knows to look after her friend when she is bullied. Go to clubs and find people she has things in common with. (I was a geek at school but went to an outside school club and became really close to some people in my year who I didn't know at all because it was such a big school. We hung around a lot together and it really helped improve school life.)

Finally, it's good to have some basic social life skills, so she knows how to get on with people at an easy level. No need to be best friends with them, or to pretend she has Bieber fever or anything else like that, but able to just hang out and chat about nonsense for a while, just for the fun of getting on with people.

virtually yes I think I would have but I was aware people didn't like me and everyone kept saying don't be silly - so all that resentment got furled up inside me causing angst and all kinds of anxiety issues. I think in tandem with tackling the ones who are being nasty and making it clear that's not acceptable, it would have been great.

Thanks for all the answers.

I'm definitely going to try working on her self esteem so she doesn't care as much if some people are horrible. Racingheart, you're right that some adults can be like this so she does need to learn to cope.

I'm also trying to work on her social skills a bit, reminding her that she maybe needs to talk less about herself and ask others questions/appear interested in them. As people always like been asked stuff, etc. I'll go on amazon shortly and see if there's any books, etc.

It's parents evening next week so will try and see the head of year then and ask if there's any support the school can offer her.