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Secondary education

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DD year 7 says no one likes her in her class [sad]

9 replies

thebestpossibletaste · 08/03/2013 11:00

That's it really. She went in September from a little village primary school where she had been nearly two years and got on well with everyone to a big secondary school. All her friends are there but not in her class so she meets them at break and lunchtime but in her actual class she only knew two students before she went there, only one of them a girl and this girl is someone she has had problems with before - the girl changes her mind about who she's hanging out with from day to day, has told my daughter in the past she's her best friend and then the next day refused to talk to her, being "best friends" with someone else. This has caused much upset over the years and I am devastated to see this starting again.

However, I hoped that through meeting lots of new people she would make new friends and at first she seemed to. But she says they are all into makeup and tell her she has to wear makeup, have her hair cut a certain way etc. My dd isn't into that sort of thing so much it seems, although she does like to put some makeup on (I find this way too early at the age of 11!!) but I don't let her wear it to school and in fact it is not permitted in the rules, but of course no one pays attention to that.

She doesn't want to have her haircut and I don't feel she should either as it suits her the way it is, she's been growing it for a couple of years, it's thick, almost straight and long and she has a fringe.

It is getting difficult to get her up in the morning and she seems reluctant to go to school, says she feels ill but is then fine when she is home after school, I'm worried this is due to what these girls are saying to her.

I've offered to speak to her form tutor but she doesn't want that. I've suggested she talk to her form tutor about it herself when no one is around, see if she has any helpful suggestions (her form tutor is only approx. 23 and my dd things she's great). Also suggested seeing what lunchtime clubs other girls she might like to be friends with go to and joining those clubs but she says she has tried that, going to reading, textiles and IT club. Suggested being a bit more outgoing to get talking to other people because she is a bit shy, also suggested trying to make friends with boys as they sometimes aren't as "difficult" as girls, not so much pressure, but she's not keen on that idea.

Sorry to ramble on, just wondered if anyone else has been in or is in a similar situation and has any suggestions how I can help my daughter.

OP posts:
lljkk · 08/03/2013 11:07

the odds are there are lots of lovely kids in her classes, she just needs more time to get to know them.

Anything you can do to help boost her self-confidence will help. Martial arts, sports, creative clubs, whatever she enjoys.

thebestpossibletaste · 08/03/2013 11:12

Thanks for your reply.

We've been trying this for years, she's attended drama, ballet, sport ... She hasn't really enjoyed any of them and they are too expensive to keep up if she doesn't enjoy them. Currently she has guitar lessons privately which I would like her to keep up.

She is just happy to play with her local friends (all a year younger so not at high school yet) when not at school and gets on well with them, but they still play games and I gather from what she says that at high school they don't do that, but talk about boys and makeup and she is struggling to join in.

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breadandbutterfly · 08/03/2013 11:25

She sounds like a lovely girl and trong enough to know her own mind - in years to come that will be appreciated by her peers but right now it's all about fitting in...

he will be happy and probably successful in life terms with that attitude - but not much comfort now, when she wqnts friends now. Kids can be cruel...but you are right not to give in to the fashion/make-up police. Explain to her it is their problem - that they all feel they have to look a certain way - and that they'll develop her attitude in time. Hopefully she can then deal with it a bit better and feel sorry for them rather than left out. But I'm sure there are others in her class who are like this too - not all year 7s are into boys, make up etc - far from it.

greenfolder · 08/03/2013 11:29

i would contact her form teacher by email or phone and raise your concerns with her. she sounds great and will probably find a way of sorting it out without your dd even knowing that you contacted her. That is what happened with one of my dds around the same age. i tried to sort it out with giving her help and suggestions and got nowhere. i eventually phoned the school and asked form teacher to give me a call. i explained the whole situation and literally within a week she was a different child. i think that the form tutor pointed her in the direction of some nice, similar girls and said to nice similar girls "you girls go the the library/computer club/ etc at lunchtime- could dd join you?"
i only wish that i had done it sooner!

thebestpossibletaste · 08/03/2013 11:48

Thanks for the suggestions.

I am leaning towards phoning her teacher, will wait to see what she says tonight.

I have explained that they're all trying to fit in and that she doesn't have to be the same as them but can still sit and listen, maybe find something else she can talk about with them.

I feel so cross that they're all so fickle and also can't see how lovely my daughter is Wink

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thebestpossibletaste · 08/03/2013 11:51

It's also not helped by the fact that they're in a mixed year form for registration then with others for the actual lessons so her form teacher might not even know who she has lessons with.

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Sparklingbrook · 08/03/2013 11:51

Hi thebest. Are there any alternative schools? I know it sounds drastic but we moved DS1 in Year 8 to a school that 'fitted' him better IYKWIM. He has made friends that are more like him.

thebestpossibletaste · 08/03/2013 11:54

There are and I do have that idea in the back of my mind if things don't improve. I'll give it more time first. She wanted to go to this school because her friends from primary were all going there but that's no good if they're not in the same class.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 08/03/2013 11:56

Well there's a back up if it comes to it so that's good. DS1 started high school in Year 8 (Three tier here). He didn't like the transfer day the July before he started. I promised him it would get better. I held out until the next May, then I couldn't take any more. Sad

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