DD Year 7. 'Friends' are being mean, she is devastated

[MyWorkIsDull]

DD started senior school with a few good friends from primary, and they ended up in the same class. DD is young for her age and has not so far managed to make any new friends, despite the school being 1200 pupils. This would not be a problem except that her old friends are now being horrible to her - teasing her about being a baby, excluding her from theings they are doing, or telling her to meet them at a certain time and place, and then not turning up (with no intention to do so).

DD used to be confident and friendly, but this is ebbing away, understandably. I have tried encouraging her to try to chat to new people, which she does, but no one seems to want to become her friend iyswim? The school don't want to get involved, they say it is up to DD to make friends, which I guess it is, and the things her friends are doing sound minor in isolation, so they don't think they should intervene. DD doesn't want them to either as she thinks it will mean they never speak to her again, which she can't stand the thought of.

What can I do to help her with this? We are talking when she needs to, and I am making a special effort to spend time with her and try to boost her up. However, I see her trudge off to school every day, and know she is feeling really crap and unwanted. She is in loads of clubs, but she is doing that so she has somewhere to go at lunch times as otherwise she is on her own.

I know it is still early days, but I think it is really damaging her self esteem and making her really unhappy. Does anyone have any advice?

My DS went through something similar, though at a younger age. The best thing might be to wean her off these friends, boost her self esteem and make her aware of other friendship possibilities through the clubs she has joined ( chances are she will find more like minded people there...just a matter of time). Get her to make a list of possible girls she might get on with and invite them ( one on one) for some shared activity. some will click, some wont...but worth trying. Just give it time:-)

Oh dear, this sounds awful, your poor DD. Does she have other friends outside of school she can talk to about this? I also think there is more the school can do. They shouldn't just be throwing up their hands and saying 'it's up to X to make her own friends' - they should have time to discuss the issue in classroom sessions, and be prepared to intervene imaginatively and discreetly to encourage pupils to mix more and break out of their cliques. If you can talk to her form tutor and/or HoY, you should, not because you expect them to wave a magic wand, but to see if they have any ideas as to what to do to help her out without 'wading in'. And don't be afraid to call her 'friends' behaviour bullying, because it sounds like it to me; even if she isn't actually being beaten up, she is being deliberately excluded and that fits the criteria.

Does your DD read much? There are a number of books (mostly by the likes of Cathy Cassidy and Jackie Wilson) which might give her an outlet and enable her to understand her situation. And for you, there's Queen Bees and Wannabes (a bit American but rather good on adolescent female friendships). But ultimately you shouldn't be scared of enlisting some adult support (professional if necessary) to help her through this phase. Good luck. Kids can be truly vile to each other at this age.

I have a suggestion which works as my daughters friend was going through the same thing. They are both at different schools. So they will talk with each other at night. It does help. The girl eventually took up tennis and is quite the little star. She now has a lot of friends and has regained her confidence.

You have to remind her that people are fickle creatures and that being popular is not what you want but real friendship that will last a lifetime.

This is bullying and the school's response in not adequate. Excluding someone deliberately and name calling are bullying.

Poor little thing.

I think I'd ask for their bullying policy and see what is says.

It is great she is in lots of clubs, how very brave of her given her situation and in time she will make friends with people from them I am sure.

But in the meantime, the school should act IMO. What other forms of bullying are they not intervening over? I agree with wol1968 about what the school could do - there are all sorts of ways they can help year 7s.

Your poor DD. Unfortunately her situation is all too familiar. I think year 7 is a really tough year but the good news is that it will steadily get better.

My DD went through a period where there were a lot of friendship problems. I think the turning point is sometime at end of year 8/year 9 (sorry, it must seem an age away!) where groups settle and lasting friendships made. At least it was for her. No in year 10 she has a group of lovely like-minded friends who look like being keepers.

I think the school is right in not intervening. It is something that the children have to work out for themselves (unless there is real bullying involved). I think it is also right for you to not get involved too much, be encouraging, supportive and always be there for a sympathetic ear but again intervening too much could be counterproductive.

I think your DD is doing the right things by joining lots of clubs. I also would encourage her to shed her old friends and spread her wings. good luck!

Thank you. i am torn about whether to push for school to do more to help. I don't want to make it worse for DD, but at the moment, I don't know how she can improve her situation, as she is trying her best to make new friends. It just isn't happening.

Her old friends are nice to her out of school btw, it is just they try to be cool at school, and DD isn't cool, so she is ostracised. In fact, according to DD, being cool is the main priority for most of the children she knows, which she just doesn't get, so she does seem like an odd ball atm. As you say, she just needs some likeminded friends, but how does she find them?

DD knows a lot about friendships/teenage angst etc etc and can be philosphical about it all in abstract, but when your friends are being mean and you have no one to sit with at lunch, plattitudes and patience don't do it, do they?

She is brave though, thank you. And kind, and lovely. Just not a teenager-in-waiting just yet, and may never be.

Oh MyWork, I posted almost the exact same thing but it was in Chat so I can't link it. I have read so many other threads saying the same thing too.
It's awful and heartbreaking isn't it? My dd has SEN which makes it extra hard for her to make friends. She spends most lunchtimes in curriculum support
I tell myself it is still early days, the right friend/friends are out there, she just has to meet them somehow.

Ah, she sounds gorgeous! Of course platitudes and patience won't do it and anyway this is her childhood, and her education, she needs to feel happy and relaxed, now not in three years. Poor you.

Seriously, I would ask for the school's anti-bullying policy, that's not pushing for more intervention (yet). The ones I have seen would count what is going on as bullying. Then you can go back to them and say your policy says "we take all instances of bullying seriously and always act" etc etc. And they can try a bit harder to think of ways to help. It is also possible that something a bit different is going on.

I've got an oddball, and one good thing is she doesn't expect to have loads of friends - and is very happy with a few, she doesn't measure herself against the cool lot. So with that can come security. But everyone needs to feel wanted.

Sad that this seems so common. Oh for a magic wand!
DD's tutor seems nice enough, but he sort of said it was up to her to deal with. I was hoping he knew of some way that he could get her to meet similar children, without making it too obvious, but it appears not. I just want to get it sorted sooner rather than later - I hate to think she will get a reputation for being friendless, and worse, start to think she doesn't deserve to have friends.

tiredaftertwo - your dd sounds like mine. She doesn't need broad peer approval, just a few good friends. At the moment though, she has no one, so her confidence is slipping.

I really don't know how I feel about the bullying word. At the moment I think I would say it is just girls being mean. I will try to keep a close eye. However, like I said, out of school the old friends are fine, which means the in school stuff hurts even more.

Your poor DD OP.

At my school the slightly geeky/uncool kids (I love em!) go to clubs like a writing club, a Shakespeare club (!) and Bridge Club (which I run), all of which run in our library.

Is there a place like that where the uncool kids so to speak will converge?

Yes, she goes to a lunchtime writers club and an art club, or just goes to the library. Still not made any friends there though, but it means she doesn't feel quite so alone. She says that even at these clubs, children arrive in pairs or threes and don't seem interested when she strikes up a conversation/asks them a question. My poor DD. She really is trying, and while uncool, is not an unlikeable child at all.

I work in a school library and it is interesting seeing the yr 7s work things out like friendship - 1 yr 7 girl was always by herself for a few months, I would ask her if she was ok, what was she doing but she always said she was ok.
Now, she is always in a little gang - a group of 4 lovely girls!
So some take more time than others!
Why is yr dd 'uncool'? Is ther sth she could improve on- don't mean to sound shallow / superficial but this could help with confidence?
My dd is yr 2 & am already worrying about big school (me, that is not her!!)

My daughter, at the youngest end of the year, found the process of making new friends hard at secondary school - especially as the old friendships from primary school faded away.

It's not something where one can wave a magic wand but the school should have some regard for the happiness/pastoral care of the students - they're not going to learn as much if they're unhappy. If the Form Tutor isn't helpful, is there a head of Year/head of Key Stage 3 who could be approached?

If it's any comfort my own daughter did end up with good friends and becoming a lot more happy and confident. It just took her longer than it did for some of the other children. (The new friendships other people have which seem so solid, are not going to be permanent and exclusive.)

If you don't want to ask the school, have a look at some websites, and schools 'anti-bullying policies - I think most will count repeated name calling, humiliation and exclusion as bullying. The label itself isn't important, but I do think it helps to recognise it for what it is (I have been in a similar situation). It can be empowering.

And I think I wouldn't leave it too long as friendship groups will be forming now and it may be harder to help your dd further down the line, and her confidence may be damaged. But only you know the school - it is just I have seen so many little things done to help that make a real difference, once it is recognised there is a problem. For example, the school accepts it as bullying and acts, all the teachers running the clubs she is in could be told. So then they could gently and cheerfully break up the groups that arrive together and put your daughter in the middle of a new group where no-one knows each other. No-one need know why.

Really good luck. She sounds lovely.

I think the school is right to take a step back, as although I agree the other girls are being unkind, intervention could instead START more intense bullying rather than fix it.

Is the school putting on a summer production? The school shows are a great way to build confidence and make friends.

Does she play any sport? This is another great way to make friends.

At a school that large I PROMISE there will be like minded people for your dd to be friends with, sometimes it just takes a while to find them. I remember a little girl I taught in year 7 who was similar, and her parents told me at parents eve (as an English teacher, rather than form tutor) and I made a little book club for her and invited girls that she liked and wanted to get to know better, and she is such a happy girl now. I see them all together all the time, and I won't lie- it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling!

Get her to sign up to everything, go along once, say yes to every offer! Smiling at people is a great way to show people you're friendly.

I really hope she gets there soon.

Little you deserve that warm fuzzy feeling. That was a lovely thing to do and will have made such a difference for her.

Op. My dd1 has had problems with friendships last year in year 6, but has made a lovely friend this year in year 7.

However my point is that last year she stuck to her (rather nasty) ex-best friend, who was in a different form, and was very good at making sure dd didn't make any other friends. The problem was, any other child who wanted to make friends with dd1 was put off by the fact she loyally trained round after ex-bf. I had other parents tell me this as well as teachers. I couldn't persuade her to actually make a break, but by doing that she was excluding herself from others.
Is your dd then trying to hang round with the others, so another child would think that she is "taken" as it were, and not interested in making other friends?
Ask her form teacher if there's anyone else who needs a friend, she may know there's anotherchild who's unhappy with their friendships.

OP - I think it might be a good idea to foster out-of-school friendships for your DD as well. Something tells me that sticking around her original friendship group out of school while they're treating her horribly in school is going to do very little for her self-esteem; she needs to put a bit of healthy distance between herself and this lot.

Her form tutor sounds like he's wimping out TBH. Intervention doesn't mean sailing in and ordering everyone to be all fluffy and nice to each other and you MUST be friends with this poor little lonely girl because we're all so lovely here aren't we and it's NOT NICE to leave someone out [sickly grin]. We know that doesn't work, especially not with teens. Intervention can mean anything from providing a confidential listening ear, through organising activities and clubs which have a team-building, clique-breaking aspect to them (sadly your DD's school doesn't seem quite imaginative enough to provide these) up to stopping flagrantly unacceptable behaviour such as physical and verbal abuse (which schools are obliged to do anyway).

Oh, and I would add, from a general POV, it's a good idea to be realistic about what to expect from friendships. I think we're all brought up to expect the BFF model of friendship from an early age which sets some of us up for severe disappointment. Sure, you don't expect to be bullied, abused, led into bad behaviour and messed around by real friends, but you also don't need to be soulmates or reading each other's minds, or constantly entertained by each other all the time. Some of my friends are a bit of a bore at times (as am I, I'm sure!) but it's often been the dull, worthy ones who have come up trumps for me in the past.

Sorry about essay...

It's so hard for everyone, isn't it. My dd1 is in S1 (Scottish = of y7) and she's doing great. She has 3 close friends, but none of then are in her class (though he breakdown for science, tech, home ec has one of them with her).

She's had a few run ins with the group she calls "the popular bitches". They're terribly stereotypical - same clothes, same hairdo, same tastes in music etc, same shoes. My dd is different - she's developed her own tastes in music, film and is a bit quirky, wears different clothes, is exceptional at art and design and will be sitting exams early.

Sadly, she finds it hard to go to clubs - as the girls who tease her are there. We've talked about it a lot, and the issue seems to be (with these girls) that my dd has a very easy, laid back, open relationship with boys. To her, so far, they're just mates that she gets along with well (dd is very up front and says it like it is). So that means that she finds herself doing a science experiment with a boy that someone else "fancies" or is "dating" (they're 12/13!!!).

I'm also not quite sure how to handle it. Best we've come up with is ignore, and on one occasion she has used "did you mean to sound so rude?" mumsnet stylee! It worked, too!

So sorry your DD is having such a difficult time at school. It's hard enough adjusting to secondary school without unnecessary angst over friendships thrown into the mix too. Your DD is being very brave in going to clubs at lunchbreaks and trying to speak to new people.

When my son went through a similar problem in the last year of primary school, I bought him this (recommended by another Mumsnetter). I didn't give it to him, as he would have refused to read it then , but just left it in a pile of library books by his bedside. He read it, liked it and said it was helpful. I think it made him feel that it wasn't his fault that his classmates were being mean to him.

I liked the fact that the book gave advice on what to say to 'so-called friends' when they were being mean. These can be practised at home, so that the child has more 'ammunition' when faced with unkindness at school.

I hope things improve soon.

wol1968 - I completely agree, that is exactly what I mean about intervention and especially about clubs that have a clique-breaking aspect to them - after all, on training courses nowadays you often get told to switch groups or whatever, it is not rocket science. The school could fairly easily do some stuff like that without your dd or the other girls even knowing (although it sounds to me as though this behaviour does need addressing before it gets worse anyway).

Oh, thanks again you vipers. Very lovely to hear all your ideas. DD has the two books mentioned, plus has read the unwritten rules book too, so she knows all about it in theory, which is probably why she is more or less holding it together. As I said though, I think her distress is building as time goes on.

Re friends out of school - we are working on that. She has never had a huge group - she does activities like dance club, but again the girls there are more like colleageues than friends iykwim? She is quite happy being at home, so not really up for arranging a mad social life in town .

Following your suggestions, I think I do need to go back to the school, and see what low level interventions they can do. DD can do friendships - she just needs some children that are like her and also looking for friends. At the moment I don't know where else she can look - she goes to all the obvious places already! Her tutor said it wasn't for teachers to put children together and said it tended not to work anyway, and that children were best figuring it out by themselves. I take his point, but maybe there is more they can do?

As for existing friends, I have talked to her about how they make her feel. We had one round last night actually, and they had a great time. It may be a very different story once they get inside the school gates today though, leaving my DD mire unsettled.

Thanks again for your support. It helps me, which will mean I can help DD more.

You could tell her tutor that a load of internet vipers have children in schools where they do intervene and it works just fine, to everyone's benefit. He'll leap to it then .

I completely get what you mean about colleagues - and actually have noticed there are some children who feel like this about relationships that I suspect others might consider friendships - perhaps a more realistic view, and one that sits naturally with some children who are "quite happy at home" so they are not pouring so much emotional energy into not-quite friendships? Just a thought, and not one I would want to generalise or extrapolate from - but it rings some bells for me.

I would be wary as a teacher pairing students up as when I've tried I get it so very wrong! I'm the worst Cilla Black ever :(

When it had worked had been when the child has told me people they like, think they'd get on with, and then worked on engineering situations where they can be together (like my book club, school trips, paired work etc)

Does your daughter have anyone that she likes as a friend potential? Someone she's met in a club or in one of her classes?

Another great way to make friends is by volunteering on the school council/work in the library- does your school run anything like that? We have a set of 'junior librarians' who are just brilliant- and are probably similar to your daughter? As she's going to the library at lunch anyway, it might be a good use of it?

And sometimes by passing the form tutor is a good strategy if the tutor isn't someone you or dd feels confident in liaising with. Who is her favourite teacher? They might be the one to go to, as they will KNOW your dd a lot better than the form tutor and will know how she works in a group dynamic a lot better than a form tutor does.

Hope that helps!

Sorry for the 'had's in the second paragraph- on phone with fat fingers and not proof reading properly!