Bully girl got physical, with hypermobile child, nobody saw, she denied it, now bully calling DD's friend away from dd

[MrsjREwing]

This morning the bully I will call Wendy went up to DD and her friend I will call Erica. Wendy started chatting to them about her bedroom, then asked Erica to help with a musical instrument. When Erica got back she said to DD, that's strange Wendy normally hates me.

I know what Wendy is up to.

Wendy was low grade bullying dd last year, since they started year 8 Wendy assaulted DD, no one else saw, Wendy denied it. Wendy was asked about this yesterday, it happened last week. DD has HyperMobile joints, dd has HMS, Hyper Mibility Syndrome, Wendy knows.

I can't bear this.

It is so hard when our children are being treated badly and we can't be there to support them, and difficult to know when the normal rough and tumble of secondary school becomes something more sinister.

I would talk to the school about the low grade bullying, and the recent assault, as they should have a process in place to monitor and deal with this.

The 'stealing friends' thing is more insidious and difficult to deal with, because of course it couldn't happen without the friend's complicity; if Erica is a good friend she will see through Wendy and support your DD.

I am not sure how the HMS plays a part - DS has this, and it doesn't impact on his life one jot really.

The punch was on dd spine, as you know that is not great for anyone moreso on a hms child as their joints are more flexable.

Dd told form tutor about stuff last year and we reported assault to head of year, she denied it yesterday.

I know if Erica dumps dd she is not a real friend,it scares me as dd will be bullied and alone if Erica goes.

The school is very strict, I have another dd there. The class bullied dd is in is a class with a lot of issue children ended up. 25 children in the class and 15 are on maximum cinsequences since year 7, the school wanted to move some and the parents wouldn't allow it. It is a matter of time for some before they will leave the school, in the mean time the class in this outstanding school for a reputation for being strict has a concentrated culture of a consequence is a badge of honnor. Teachers in year 7 were crying, one threw sweets at them in temper the teacher intended to give out on the last day. Every teacher they have this year is notorious as being tough.

I am scared for dd.

That does sound like a very tough class!

I would make an appointment to talk to the form tutor to discuss your concerns about Wendy, about the friendship issues and about the nature of this particular class in general.

Before you go to the meeting, think about what you want to happen - do not go in to moan about the school (however justifiable you think that would be), but present the facts and say what you want to happen; busy people are far more likely to agree with you when presented with solutions rather than problems.

For me it would be -

make all of DDs teachers aware of this tension between her and Wendy (so that they can be seated separately, not put together for group work etc)

make all of DDs teachers aware of the fact that she is struggling in this chaotic class and that steps should be taken to ensure that she is seated with children with whom she can work well, and with whom she has the potential to form friendships (not healthy to be so reliant on Erica I feel)

if the above has not improved the situation within a specified time frame, then I would want DD moved to another class (they will tell you that they can't do this, but they can).

I would also listen to the form tutor's suggestions - she is likely to have seen all of this many times before, and may have some ideas for strategies that can be put in place, or things that your DD can do to help herself.

In the meantime, encourage DD's friendship with Erica by inviting her over, and talk to your DD about what she can do to stay off Wendy's radar, suitable responses when approached by Wendy etc.

Thanks. I have an appointment with school tomorrow as PE deparent ignore consultant and me telling them what is unsuitable.

I feel deflated, I just want people to leave us in peace and safe in life. This has made me feel horrible.

That's interesting about the PE - our consultant has told us that the more sport he does the better, building and strengthening muscles etc. He does occasionally experience discomfort after exercise but it's hard to know what is normal and what is the hms so I usually dismiss it!

Anyway, I am sorry that you feel as if you have several battles on your hands at the moment, and that you make some headway tomorrow.

The latest thoughts on HMS is that it is EDS Hypermobile type. Contact sport, tennis etc should be avoided, don't push through pain. swimming, walking and cycling are the best exercise, gentle consistant exercise too due to cardio implications rather than intence short spurts.

There are a lot of conflicting health professions giving advice.

Oh and the latest thinking is male hormones make better muscles and apparetly female hormones make HMS symptoms worse, so your ds should do better as he enters puberty, it goes the other way for girls.

Do you know Erica's parents at all?

In that situation I would have a quick word with Erica's (probably mum) parent and just put it to her that Wendy has been bullying inc. physically your dd, and she seems to be looking to break up their friendships.

If a parent came to me with that I'd talk to my dd, and if she said what you put up there "normally Wendy hates me" I'd tell her to be pleasant to Wendy but not to leave your dd and watch the situation. I'd also ask her to watch anything between your dd and Wendy, and let me know and I would report it (if it seemed right) "anonymously" to the school, without either girl knowing so they don't feel they've been telling tales.

Well, Erica was friends as was dd with another girl, I will call her Dee, Dee is one of the troubled souls, Dee hit and pinched dd and Erica, low grade stuff, Dee storms out of class, has school counselling, cries over various relatives issues, everything in her life is worse than anone else's, harrassing phone calls, nasty, flips easily, v v v dramatic, has SEN's not sure what, dd says Dee seems low academic ability, Dee is v v v manipulative and serious boundary issues. Dd and Erica had a chat at Erica's sleepover after Dee started on Dd, Dee went home early. after Dee left, Erica had a rant about the pinching, they both then told Dee no more hurting them, Dee has calmed down since, though Erica won't talk to Dee now, Dd talks to Dee. Erica was closer to Dee than Dd previously, so could dump dd for Dee, I am sure Dee would turn on Dd again as she has before. The kids in the class are v v v high issues kids as I said.

A lot of the problem is there was a low birthrate locally in that school year, there were always spaces at school, a lot in that year travel far to go to schoolIn older dd's year it was very different, oversubscribed all the way since reception.

I know where Erica lives and her Mum a bit, I will think about having a word with her.