Year 11 stress: anyone else? How to help, please?

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I just went in to say hello to dd1 in her room and found her looking really glum - and when I asked her what was up, she just said school is all too hard and horrible and started crying, which is very unlike her.

Having generally done well enough without too much stress in the last 4 years, she's now finding the intensity of it all overwhelming. I think in retrospect, maybe she should have done some softer subjects, but she had no special aptitude for anything artsy or crafty, and is doing eBacc stuff straight down the line. Last year she was still doing ICT, but now that's finished the only thing she does that's not for an exam is RE and PE - but in PE they just seem to be marking time now and not, for example, doing cross country, which she's got better and better at every year and was really looking forward to trying her best in this year.

She says she doesn't even like the subjects she wants to do for A level any more, she is overwhelmed by the sense of fatalism about it all - ie., there's no turning back, GCSEs must happen, there is no way out.

She did get two test results today that she wasn't pleased with, and I tried to say that tests now are not about 'oh hurrah I got a good mark' and move on, but rather eliminating potential banana skins one by one so that you don't make that mistake in your exam.... which she agreed with, but it hasn't made for a very happy day.

Everything is apparently OK with boyfriend and friends, she may or may not be hormonal, but all the same I would very much like to hear whether anyone else's year 11 is unhappy at the moment, or what anyone has done in the past to help them through it all.

We haven't had tears from DS but he was really down last week - he has an English Literature controlled assessment coming up, he doesn't like his new RE teacher and all his friends seemed to be bickering. He was completely exhausted as he's still getting used to being back at school and the demands from all directions just seemed too much. He does do creative subjects (music and drama) but they seem to be making lots of extra work - he has had to stay for something tonight for music and I'd rather he was able to come home and get on top of homework.

It will get better (DS is my third) as they settle into year 11 and it will get worse again at times when the pressure is on. The only thing you can do is offer sympathy, chocolate cake and encourage enough sleep. Oh and don't let them listen to anything on the news about how easy GCSEs are

Firstly, this sounds entirely normal.
Secondly, don't fret about A level choices now, there is plenty of time to make changes.
Thirdly, This time next year she will look back and laugh at how easy GCSEs are put into context with AS levels.
Finally, encourage her to just take this year a week at a time. The whole year feels really daunting with Controlled Assessments, decisions about next year, exam prep etc etc. It's far easier to manage if broken down.

And remember ..... this too will pass!

Thank you!

webwiz all sounds very sensible, although the last point is difficult today of all days, eh?

sleeze - thank you, especially for the 'firstly!'. A level choices only came up because I offered as a positive the idea that next year she'd be studying subjects she loves, which was met with a howl of 'I don't even like them any more!'. Daren't offer the 'you'll look back and laugh' consolation, though I know you're right.

And bang on with the 'one week at a time' thing, that's very much what I'm trying to convey. And that she should think of something nice we could do at the weekend that she can look forward to.

Any thoughts or experience from evening bods?

There is a huge world outside school stuff. I am trying to drag my 11 grader's attention to it. Technically speaking, what we do with her in the evening is studies - we are going through Critical Thinking section of a GMAT book. But in fact we are more discussing things and laughing than "studying", the book is just brings topics to conversation. It could have been a film or TV show instead.

She feels soooo good when she is right and I am missing the point.

Does she have hobbies, TOSN? Dd's pony was her saviour last year. As was the school production- it made her realise that she could actually get the work done in short intense bursts-you don't need to work for hours every evening. Heresy perhaps, but true.

Oh, and don't regret not doing an arty-crafty. We had more stress, upset and tears over art than all of the rest put together.

we went through this last year too. My advice would be to keep some sport going outside school - it gives an endorphin boost and helps keep things in perspective. For us things got worse before it got better, but that was due to some rather exceptional circumstances, hopefully for you she will get into the swing of things quickly,I think it's usually worst straight after the long break.

I've had this for the past few days as well. Mountains of homework, feels isolated from peers because nobody seems to share similar interests so she feels labelled as a 'geek' and doesn't know how to interact with people. Not chosen for stuff that she's worked hard for when others who haven't get picked for everything... The usual I suppose, but it is hitting her hard.

Thank you all!

She does dancing out of school, and there's a show coming up that she's looking forward to and she runs a three mornings a week despite there being no cross country to practice for : I think doing something else would be good, but there's nothing she's especially keen to do. The boyfriend is a nice lad but lives a billion miles in deepest countryside almost unserviced by public transport, and goes to a different school, so she's probably not getting as much comfort there as she'd like!

Seems happier this morning - she's got two nice easy things this morning (badminton and Cri'ical Finking) so it's a less intense day... but she won't be back until 5 as has a course after school and then straight out for extra dance lesson. I'll stock up on nice biscuits or something. (as in yummy, not as in manky coconut flavour efforts).

Absolutely agree with NOT listening to any reports on radio/TV devaluing the efforts of our kids. DS has just done GCSEs and they were hard work - he worked for every UMS.

It will actually get a bit easier when she gets into her stride. Also Our schools tend to load them at the stat as a bit of a kick to those that think they can do the minimum.

Change the A levels. They aren't set in stone. Let the school know now she is thinking of changing, but maybe don't make final choices for a few weeks. DS changed his after the deadline and, whilst school sucked their teeth and umm ed a bit enough to make him worry, it wasn't a problem- more just to make sure no one thought it was easy to much them around if they weren't serious about changing.

It's a pisser, Theas - I have one child working her socks off for exams the whole of the media and government is telling her are easy and pointless, and one who will be the first cohort to sit Gove Levels - which will not only be ill-thought through balls, but also I am pretty sure the first year to do them will be made an example of and will get low results to prove how dumb today's kids are!

Yes, I think all the teachers at the moment are saying things like 'now you need to remember this' or 'this is really important now' and 'it's not long at all for you to get your head around this' type of scary pronouncements.

She hasn't done any options for A level yet, it's only that she knows which subjects she's thinking of - and she's sad that they've lost their allure a bit at the moment.

Try and get her to leave the A level thoughts till the sixth form open evenings - then she can see the teachers selling their wares and making every subject sound exciting.

It may have been that a well intentioned teacher has been telling them how hard they have to work/how little time is left -this is generally ignored by the half of the class it is aimed at but sends the other half into a fit of the vapours.

I feel sad as well that DS is working very hard for "useless" qualifications fortunately he lives in a teenage bubble. He is only aware of the English Language exam fuss as his English teacher was very very angry about it when they first went back.

My dd has changed one of her A level options and her school already since 4th September.........!

And she changed them twice in year 11!

I think she'll feel more positive about 6th form after they have their 'taster day' (get to go in in own clothes and have a day as a 6th former) - although she's not sure she wants to stay at the same school anyway, so that's another thing to think about!

She works so bloody hard, it's unfuriating to hear how easy it all apparently is when I can see that it's not.

My dd made the right choice about 6th forms (to stay at same school) for the person she was at the time she made the choice. But by the time she started she was a very different more confident person, and it was SOOOO the wrong place. Luckily she could, and did, change. So try not to make too many unchangeable decisions too soon!

Like "unfuriating" by the way, TOSN. Reminds me of my ds saying that "whelming" should be a word- meaning so-so!

Oh balls - I meant INf, obv.! It would be nice to be defuriated sometimes....

TOSN would your DD be interested in joining a running club?

The x country season is about to start and most clubs are gagging for as many new member sas they can get. There are lots of meetings throughout Autumn/Winter and they're really fun affairs. The girls in particular get very freindly with one another.

I wish I knew how to help DD1. I feel only university is going to help really, but she has to wait another three years for that.

Aw, themums, might 6th form not be more fun?

word I've been wondering about mooting that actually - she's done the odd 2k race and done well when her dad does the 10k events. She doesn't (sorry dd) have an actual natural flair for running, but has enjoyed getting better and participating in city events and so on, so I do wonder whether it might be a thought.

Themumsnot, can she change schools for sixth form? Dd just has and was fortunate to meet a nice new geeky friend on the bus the first morning. It's a big sixth form & quite cosmopolitan so a big pool to find like minded souls in - anything similar near you?

Tosn I can't recommend running clubs enough. They tend to be highly flexible about training and usually have three or four sessions. Obviously the more you train the better you will be, but there's no attendance rule.

Similarly if you can't make a race meet, you're not letting a team down.

The girls are fun. And have no weight issues as they're all fit as fiddles so you don't get all that angst about food (they all trough like Henry VIII). All that fresh air is a powerful antidote ti stress and sleep issues.

It's as cheap as chips. Have trainers will run.

And everyone can improve. In fact apart from the few stars, most runners are simply trying to beat their own times.

Oh and there are packs of georgously fit boys .

Small town, only one 6th form (part of FE college). I don't think she is going to meet many likeminded people there either. She is shy and finds it hard to talk to people her own age, finds adults easier to talk to. She thinks people her own age are judging her.

Thanks word, I'll have a google and see what's in our area!