Sixth Form angst

[stressedoutdd]

Not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes...

DD has just started Sixth form at her super selective school where she has been since year 7. Today she was diagnosed by our GP with anxiety and depression. The GP recommended counselling.

She was worried all summer about her GCSE results and while they were good - she got A's and a couple of A*s - some girls in her school did a lot better. We praised her and said she did well etc.

There have been bullying and other issues in the school but those have now been resolved for her. However she doesn't have any especially close friends and often feels lonely at school. She finds a lot of girls to be bitchy and continually slagging off others and gossiping. She is really unhappy and thinks everyone looks down on her and spends a lot of time crying. She thinks the girls who got 11 A* etc look down on her and she won't be able to go to Uni. She says she feels like an outsider. I have tried to persuade her to leave now and find another school or college (assuming they will take her at this late stage) but she refuses as ironically she is too scared to leave.

I don't know what to do - she says herself she is not in a fit state to make decisions. Shall I make her leave the school or let her carry on and be miserable? BTW she found out today that another girl in her class is suffering a nervous breakdown.

How long has she got to go? Life can be like this sometimes. I wouldn't encourage her to leave but she need some kind of support or conselling ?

Is it a school in Kent? If it is the same one I am thinking of they are shocking for actually caring about pupils and helping with any emotional or mental health issues, and are useless at tackling bullying.

Oh poor her. It doesn't sound as if the current school environment is helping her situation and I do know children who have successfully changed sixth form quite early on in the term (ie within the next couple of weeks), so I think it would be a good idea to at least consider it. She would be one of the more able children in a more normal school and that may boost her confidence, as well as the pace being more manageable for her.

Can you call any likely alternatives and talk to them, see if they have spaces and if your dd could visit (they would probably want to interview her in any case). She would obviously need to want to change, but perhaps if she had a specific proposal and the chance to visit and talk through options she may feel more positive about it.

Councelling sounds a good idea whether or not she moves school.

My opinion would be that in the first instance to get her the help she needs for her mental health problems. Dont try to second guess cause and cure. Worrying that she wont get into university now because of her GCSE grades (which are good) does imply that she has lost sight of the wood for the trees.

Changing schools will be another stress.

At this stage would it be best to sort out counselling as soon as possible? Dont worry if it clashes with school, health takes priority. You can then talk to the counsellor and discuss with DD as well about whether changing schools is going to help.

All the above is just my opinion (based on having a DD at the same age!)

All the best to your DD and you.

On the contrary. Move her. Immediately. Take her to a bog standard comp- preferably one with boys.

I work in a sixth form for a comp. and we are still taking admissions- generally from our higher achieving students who went elsewhere and are now deciding they want to come back.

The advantages for your daughter:

• their pastoral system will be much better. It'll have to be, because lower down the school they will have the learning difficulties and behaviour issues to deal with that your daughter's school will never have faced. There will therefore actually be a fully-functioning team of people to help her. There probably isn't in your daughter's school.
• she will see that she is not stupid and, in fact, probably the top of that school.
• she will see that people survive perfectly well without going to university at all, but that also the majority of the population doesn't have any As or A* at all.
• boys lesson the impact of bitchiness. They don't understand it and just laugh at the girls.
• the sixth form will probably be smaller than in your daughter's school, where most of the kids stay on.

It sounds like she needs a bit of perspective and could do with widening her horizons a little bit. She could probably do with the balloon fights and hysterical giggling at sheep impressions that I've had to deal with this week from my sixth formers (sigh).

I've worked in three sixth forms. The worst of these, by far, was the one which was an all-girls, high-achieving environment.

Alternatively......why doesn't she befriend nervous breakdown girl? Her parents must be having a nightmare too. It is almost certainly because of the same issues.

I am so sorry.

DD was in exactly the same state post GCSE results, and very stressed by the pressure put on by her superselective going into the exams (to the extent she was having panic attacks and she saw a Counsellor and a hypnotherapist). Her results are fine, in fact some are brilliant, but not 11 As. Similar scenario, very disfunctional year, lots of bullying that has abated as they have got older, hard for stable friendship groups to form because everyone made insecure by a few attention seeking alpha girls. There was also an unhealthy kudos in having problems such as anorexia, depression, self harm etc. I know how desperate you feel. The difference is that DD had already decided to move to a good mixed selective school, but not as selective as her girls' school. I have to say that she was able to pull herself together enough to make an effort at her new school and each day her mood has lifted a little more and she has talked more sense about A levels and had a more sensible perspective on her results. She is amazed at how friendly everyone is at her new school compared to the cliques at the old and is sure the presence of boys makes the girls less exclusive and bitchy. The staff are encouraging rather than constantly emphasising that B is for bad and only A will get you to uni. It may of course be the honeymoon period, and she is very tired as a result of all the effort she is putting into making friends, so possibly not the best start to A levels. I am not complacent but I am so relieved she is walking out of the house purposefully in the morning instead of with a look of resigned misery . Each day I say that she can go back to her old school and each day she is a little more sure she doesn't want to.

Obviously only you and your daughter can decide what to do and whether she could cope with a different school but it does seem to be working for us so far......

First issue is to sort out you daughter's mental well being. If she's able to embrace counselling then this in turn will improve her self confidence & she may even get to the stage of not giving a damn what others think of her!

IF she still feels unhappy at her sixth form, she can always take a break this year & start again next year. My DD did this & it helped to clear her head giving her a fresh start to build on. Also there will be places at other schools, just ask about if your daughter feels she wishes to start elsewhere. My DS has a friend whose parents ran out of money to pay his public school & so their son has had to find options elsewhere. Shame his parents didn't bother to tell him there may be a problem earlier!

Good luck to your daughter. I hope her head feels less muddled soon.

I would also consider moving her. Could you ask for a taster day at another school or FE college and see how she feels then?

Also there are lots of university open days at the moment, you could take her to one of them and get them to confirm that her GCSE grades are really good. It might also help put things into perspective.

Could you organise a visit at some other six forms and maybe she'd be able to make a better decision about whether she wants to move. Certainly I would expect the school to be involved in helping her. Does the school have a counsellor?

I did not go to a super selective school or a single sex school but I chose to go to a different sixth form from my year 7-11 peers. It was liberating. there was no bitchiness and you get the chance to start fresh without people expecting you to act a certain way.

What degree does she wish to take.? A look at a few university websites and their entrance requirements should show her she would have no trouble being accepted by a decent university.
Bodyofeyore I wonder if you are thinking of DD's former school? She's changed for 6th form.

I wouldn't assume a "bog standard" comp will automatically be better at pastoral sides. One round here is a shocker-despite they got outstanding in that area from ofsted. (know that from someone who works in that area with several schools and from various people who have had to deal with it as parents and professional situations)

Basically their way of dealing with it is to sweep it under the carpet or blame the victim They tried telling us at open evening they had no bullying. When pushed they said the answer to all bullying is to put bully and victim in a room to discuss it. Unsurprisingly the victim has never complained again. (according to them)

Actually even that isn't true because I know two people personally who have had to complain several times. Apparently in one case the victim was sending the text message threats to kill to himself ...

In some the pastoral care is great. In some it isn't. Just don't assume it.
And the best one for pastoral care round here is the one that has regularly "failed ofsted" inspections.

Hi - personally, I think the critical thing is what your GP has said, if she has anxiety and depression these are very serious and need to be tackled first., and I would get on to the CAMHS support team in your area as soon as possible - also try a website called Young Minds, who are a very good support network for parents of teenagers with any kind of problem. I have a lot of faith in CAMHS and over two years experience with my own daughter, the same age as yours - feel free to message me if you need any further info.

It sounds like a horrible place and she doesn't suit the hot house environment. Did she choose it or did she not look elsewhere?
As others have said a 6th form college would be a fresh start , everyone is new and there is a range of abilities and backgrounds. It's not too late to enrol elsewhere.

A heartfelt thank you for all your comments.

Guineapiglet, thank you for your offer. DD has access to walk in clinic without appointment - but it only runs one day a week. Young Minds is very good thank you.

Gnomedeplume - you are right that she needs to sort out the anxiety and depression first. She says herself she feels like she is in a dream and not capable of making decisions.

Muteroo - thank you also for sharing your experience. DD is very anxious about being different from the others and wants to carry on with her peer group. I think taking a break might help her though.

Copthallresident - thank you for your empathy! I really thought that the girls would mature in Sixth form - how stupid of me. The whole school is dysfunctional - I was just blind to it before. I did give DD the option of looking at other options but there was no particularly obvious one, so she/we just didn't bother. I also remember in my Sixth form days people were a lot more mature but I forgot also that we had just amalgamated with the boys school next door.

Tortu - you are very right in your comments about schools. She has gone to see the girl who had the breakdown last night and today after school - as far as the girl has told her, the school do not even know about it - they just said she was ill.

SecretSquirrels - she didn't want to leave the school. The Sixth form colleges around here are really rough horrible places. Her best option would be another Sixth form but she is too frightened to go.

Glarung - I did offer to call the school where my other child goes - a comp - and speak to the Head - I get on well with them so thought they might be willing to make the effort to take her, but she said that even if there was a place she was "too cowardly" to go. My younger child speak about an hour trying to convince her but she is just not in the right state to make decisions.

Thanks again everyone else for taking the time to comment.
She was crying again last night. But she is looking forward to seeing the counsellor next week at the walk in clinic. I haven't told the school. She doesn't want me to. I really think they have to do something about the bitchy cliques but what I do not know...

Stressed the fact that there are two girls with very serious mental health issues would make me encourage dd to either discuss the full reasons with the school or start to look around at other schools. She really needs lots of support at school and if the tea hers aren't aware of her illness, she won't be getting any support all day.

Two pupils with mental health issues??!! Get the hell out of there!! Support her all the way and as far as her seeing the counsellor - it has nothing to do with the school!! Her mental health comes first and formost - everything else is secondary!! Good luck sweetheart!! Thinking of you!!

Please forgive me if I come across as a little bemused, but if your dd had asthma or diabetes I presume you would tell the school? If she had a broken leg you would tell the school, depression is a debilitating illness, why haven't you told the school?
They can only try to help if they're told there's a problem.

If your dd really doesn't want to move then you need to be working with the school, not trying to deal with this on your own.

I haven't told the school because DD doesn't want me to and she hasn't made a final decision yet. I have now approached the local school, but don't know yet if they have a place as the relevant people were not available. If they do have a place, I will strongly encourage DD to take it. Most of the Sixth Forms at schools around here are oversubscribed as the FE colleqes are not very nice.

Obviously if she stays at the school, I will tell them, but I think they will put pressure on us to remove her from the school, rather than encourage changes in behaviour - which I think is probably nigh on impossible. I suspect that this is the reason why the other girls parents haven't told the school either (or maybe they have, but haven't told the girl herself that the school knows).

Would it not be possible for her to take a year out? She could start next year and be funded for 2 years of A level/level 3 education.

Have to agree with most of what Tortu said. Hopefully she can start at the comp your other DD is at. If it's a mixed comp, like the one that our DC are at, presumably she will find it's nowhere near the hothouse environment that she's used to. The boys there will definitely dilute the bitchiness. As Tortu said, the fact that the school is used to all levels of academic ability will probably mean that it's much more geared up for all pastoral situations. That is the case at our DC's comp (also in Kent). We have found the teachers to be very caring and supportive.

I hope that your DD manages to find somewhere that she wants to go and at least has a taster at your other DD's school. Just having one day without the pressure of her previous school may be a step on the road to showing her that there is a different way. Our DC's comp sends people to all types of uni, including Oxbridge and Russell Group, so there shouldn't be any problem there, either.

Thank you IloveJudgeJudy - the school I have in mind sounds rather like your DC's. They will let me know on Monday if they can admit her. DD is still adamant that she is too frightened to leave her old school. If there is a place at the new school, I will persuade her to go and sit in with some classes, so at least she can see for herself without (to her mind) burning her bridges for something worse. Perhaps I can negotiate for her to return to the old school if she doesn't like the new one, as an extra assurance. I feel there is some light at the end of the tunnel now anyway.

I left my school at 16 to go to a FE College referred to by my classmates at school as "duffer college". I wasn't much into UCAS form polishing and had had enough of school so was happy to leave.

Being an FE college it wasn't even close to hothouse, you could go to lessons or not as you chose, people not particularly motivated, etc. Anyway, I got 6 As in my A Levels and got offers from Cambridge, Bristol, LSE et al. (It was possibly an advantage to have come from an FE College?)