Changing secondary school

[mrseffington]

Hi
Sorry if this has been done before - i've done a search but either 'm not very good at it (more than possible!) or there isn't anything there......

So - DS is about to go into year 9. He's a bit of a troubled soul - lots of problems, he's bright but struggled to settle in to discipline - he's had a really horrible early childhood losing lots of people very close to him and added to that me and his father are going through a divorce...

He's very bright and when he's not pretending to be a big tough guy he is absolutley gorgeous - bright, inquisitive, funny etc - and it's not just me who says this about him lol.

It's kind of got to the point where he gets into trouble at school now whereever there is trouble - the school even admit that the finger points too quickly at him. He's no angel by the way - he has on many occasions been a little sh!t...

He's mentioned before about wanting a fresh new start - we've tried to explain that there will still be 'horrible' teachers and 'horrible' pupils at ANY school but we do take his point that a clean slate might well be what he needs.

Having said all of that, things had settled down a great deal at the end of last term. It's all flared up again now. DS made a claim on facebook that was designed to make him (he thought) cool amongst his peers. it worked for about a day then it seems he was rumbled and there's a bit of a nasty campaign going on - really horrible stuff being said about him and to him which (imho) vastly overcompensates for what he has done.

He is very very upset about this and says he is refusing at hte moment to go back to school. Lots of threats have been made towards him (and to give the other side, he has retaliated on some of them with defensive threats of his own).

ANYWAY - I've promised him that on Monday whilst his sister is out at a camp, we will get his dad round and really have a proper chat about it all and see what the way forward is.

Part of me thinks that he will get this wherever he goes - he of course thinks that I was at school so many generations ago that I can't possible understand what he is going through - and that sometimes you have to go and face the music and rise above it all. Part of me also thinks that a move away from this particular school (which I'm not a fan of - academically brilliant but if you're not a straight A student then it's not such a great place to be). And it's HUGE - the other local high school has a comparable OFSTED report but is half the size.

Argh - anyway - does anyone have any thoughts? I hope I have given enough information to go on. Should we think about moving or make him ride it out - bearing in mind of course that were it 'just' for this current facebook spat we would not consider moving him at all, it's just a culmination of things.

Also, finally - if we were to look at moving him. It's obviously too late to do anything before the beginning of term isn't it? Does anyone know what the process is??

My fear is that actually if he decides he is not going back to school in September there will be very little physically that I can do. He is 6ft tall and whilst a right skinny minny, has the strength of 10 oxes. We play fight (I know, how mature?!). I'm 5/10 and a big lass and he can cart me across the room without breaking a sweat!!

and finally I want him to be happy and to do as well as he possibly can at school.

How do I help him.

(eek, sorry it's so long)

Firstly, I think it's great that your son is talking about making a fresh start. He has to make that decision - you can help him, but he can't be a passenger in that process. Year 8 is a difficult year for a lot of children. If your son is talking about a fresh start, I would be asking him to give teachers who know him the opportunity to help him do so. Your son won't be the only one trying to put things behind them and move on, and it certainly won't be the first time your son's teachers will have been asked to help. Try contacting the year 9 team at your son's school next week to let them know what's happened and, if at all possible, make an appointment to see one of them WITH your son before term starts. In many secondary schools, the first day back is just for Years 7 and 12, but the other teachers will be working.

Secondly, I would look for help outside of school. Whatever happens, I think your son would benefit from being able to talk through the decisionthat he needs to make with an independent person. He should be able to access help through the youth counselling service. In our area of Surrey, Redhill YMCA provides an outreach service called Heads Together in the surrounding towns. It's free and confidential, and they are trained to help teenagers through all the usual challenges. One of my friends said that her daughter really benefitted during a very difficult period in their lives. Good luck. xx

Moving school might be a good thing but it will probably not be much different unless something has changed about your ds. Yes it will solve the issue with Facebook but he will very probably continue to get into trouble and act out for his peers unless something else changes. You might also want to think about what you will do if you move him and he doesn't like it and asks to return to the old school. I have seen this happen to a friends ds. She was then in the situation of trying to persuade old school to take him back. It also then gave her ds the impression he could opt out of something he disliked. Personally I would probably try and deal with the Facebook thing whilst he is at old school and save the new school for if I was very worried about his behaviour and consequently his grades in the future. Whilst you. May not be able to physically force your ds into school you do hold all the cards in terms of lifts, treats, money for clothes and laptops etc and if you are not already getting tough you might like to think about this.

Thank you all for your replies - lots to think about. I do think he genuinely wants to make a fresh start but actually finds it difficult to think through consequences of his behaviour before embarking on that behaviour. He recognises this as a problem but hasn't quite got the hang of it yet.

We have had a lot of contact with the current school to try and help his behaviour. During one of the very positive interventions, things got out of hand in one lesson and he was in isolation - he was on the phone to me because he was upset that he had been removed when others involved had not been. I heard the teacher come in and tell him he was hopeless and that ALL teachers though the would never amount to much....

I obviously brought this up with the teachers in question and with the wider tutor mentor type person and got a kind of apology but I do wonder whether this is so entrenched now. But of course you're right, he does have to agree that this move is a move that can't be reversed (or at least he needs to see it that way).

He has been referred to some counselling to deal with anger, bereavement etc and I'm hopeful that we should get an appointment in the next couple of weeks. This has been organised through the school but with an external agency.

With regards to the logistics the other school we would consider is the same distance away - current school offers a free school bus but that looks likely to be withdrawn from next September. Possible new school is accessible by normal bus and at a push he could walk home if needed.

I just don't know. I don't want to jump from frying pan into fire! And also he's coming up to 14 - there's a lot of testosterone flying around isn't there - lots of posturing and trying to be the biggest and the toughest when in fact he's certainly one of the biggest but so bloody sensitive!

I will have a good chat with him tonight. Then as you suggest contact the school early next week and see what's what.

Thanks again :)

Good luck, I am moving DS for start of yr8. Around here you start by phoning the LEA to see if there places, worthwhile to phone the school you're interested in, too, and see what procedure they think there is, have informal chat about their induction procedures. I was told that to start in September I/DS had to apply back in May. You may find similar protocal where you live.