Which secondary for DD?

[cathkidstonbag]

We have 3 DDs. The eldest is in year 9 at local grammar school. She is very bright, top or near top in every subject. When she sat her 11+ it was obvious that she was well suited to grammar. Self motivated, academic, hugely confident.

But now we come to middle DD. now in year 5 she has always thought of herself as not very bright compared to her sister. She decided this week she wants to sit the 11+ after saying for years she didnt want to, so I had her assessed this evening. Even just that was very stressful for her. We were told (as I expected) it was unlikely at this late stage that she would pass. She was devastated.

So do I tutor her all holidays. Knowing she's unlikely to pass and that she will possibly struggle to keep up.

Our local comp is really not good. And she will forever know she wasn't as clever as her sister.

She has a lot of talent in art and there is a local private school known for its art department. DH however is very much against private schools and I have no idea how we would find the money but don't want to regret that decision in years to come.

Anybody been in a similar predicament?

We have a very bright ds and a top average dd. Children are different and they have different needs. She will know she wasn't as clever as her sister forever anyway regardless of the school she goes to. Not being as clever as a sibling does not, however, mean she will be less successful later in life.

If you don't know how you will pay for the private school, then it isn't a realistic option; likewise if dd2 won't pass the grammar papers neither is that an option.

I would imagine private school would mean us remortgaging or downsizing. The local comp has a bad enough reputation for us to even consider that.

My parents were in this predicament with me and my sister. They sent her to private school. I know that life is more complex than just school (and we have parent issues) but she maintains the "not good enough" feeling has been hard to rid herself of, even into her 30s. Ironically, my sister got better exam results than I did, the same class of degree and was recently offered PhD funding.

I think this will be the case with DD to an extent whatever we do as she already believes she's is the unnoticed middle child (definitely not the case!).

Very difficult for you, you mention this is your second of 3 children. If you did somehow pay for a private education for your second dd, what will you do with your third?

If you really feel the current comp is bad enough that you would move house, then perhaps the answer is to move ( very quickly) to an area with better state schools if that's possible?

A move wouldn't work unfortunately, to a different area as we are in catchment for one of the best primaries in the county so have to juggle all their needs.

Truthfully I'm fairly sure even at this stage that youngest DD is like her eldest sister. She has the same inquisitiveness about life and quirkiness. So I doubt we will have to pay for a good education for her.

I'd go for the private (even as a liberal lefty believer in state education). You have to give them each the same opportunities (see that's the lefty in me!). Clearly a failing comp is not going to give middle dd the same education as the grammar, but the private will hopefully squeeze the most ou if her academically and caters to her strengths.

Actually if private will be a financial struggle dc1 and dc3 migt be a bit pissed off - especially if it limits their opportunities for school trips etc. it's not their fault they are more academic. Do you know why dd2 has changed her mind? Can you visit the comp? An I think I would try a bit of intensive tutoring and see if it looks like she could pull up or not.

And remember, at a comp in a grammar area she might be near the top academically, which could be a food confidence boost.

Have you been and looked round the comp? It might not be as bad as you think, especially if the kids are streamed and shes in one of the upper sets.

Our local comp has a 60% rate of kids getting 5 or more gcses inc maths and english. However if you look at the top set its 100% which is comparable to the grammar in town.

Look at the comp.

I have grammar kids who are like your elder daughter. I also see their mates who feel they are "failing" in the lower streams and are tutored to keep up. THat is a miserable place to be.

If she already feels inferior academically to her sister then top stream comp with consideration to add a little tutoring "to help her stay on top/achiever her best- rather than "just to keep up" has a lot to commend it as a psychological strategy.

Apply for 11+ anyway. If she's year 5 going into 6 you will have the test deadline very soon and can change your mind later though

Definitely empathise with your predicament. My DC1 is academic, driven and focused, whereas DC2 viewed by DH and me as happy-go-lucky joker but definitely not academic. However, when push came to shove, DC2 decided to do 11+ and apply to super selectives! We checked with his primary school and were strongly discouraged from putting him forward. However, he insisted. So, with great trepidation, we went ahead and spent 4 months intensively working through papers with him, with rather mixed results

And the result? He passed super selective 11+ and selective private school exams

After the event we realised we had always compared him to DC1 who comes across as serious and academic when he was just different. DC2 now thriving at school and is very happily in the mid range of his school.

If your DD2 really wants to give it a go, then let her try, but give her every help you can, make sure you have a plan B and do explain that you appreciate her effort not her results!

Good luck.

I have seen the comp. and have friends whose children go there. Some are happy with it, about half are deeply unsatisfied with it. I think academically it does ok. But behaviour wise? It's not good.

I think DD changed her mind about the 11+ after the taster day there, she came home terrified. Obviously secondary is always daunting but I think it's a bad fit for her.

I can try tutoring her but she is so unfocused and the thought of spending the school holidays doing that doesn't thrill me. She's always lacked motivation to do homework etc.

I think you have to at least let her try to do the exam - if she doesn't do it then she will forever wonder 'what if?'

And although doing lots of work over the summer might sound like hell a bit daunting just keep reminding your dd that she is talented (even if she has different abilities from her big sis) and that if she works hard and gets confidence then there is a good chance she will get in. Put a spin on the fact the people you spoke to are there to put the worst spin on things as they don't want pupils to think they will get in without any effort and that it is hard work, they were maybe worried by her attitude but you know her, she can rise to the challenge etc etc and see if it will kick her into gear!

Are there any online resources that will help and also take some of the stress of you be fun and enjoyable learning? Ds is younger but loves doing maths games online and also enjoys the khan academy maths lectures. The idea behind them is that he wants to make sure you understand everything and everything is based on everything else so whether you are 8 or 80 you start at the first talk. There are questions at the end and when you can do them you move on to the next one. And as the first ones really do start with 1+1 so your dd should be able to get lots of confidence quickly as she can do lots.

have you rung the private school to see if there are art scholarships and bursaries that would reduce the fees?

I would try to get her to pass 11+ and use the private option as a back up if she fails. Would she also have to sit an entrance exam for the private school as well. If so you'll have to do some work in with her anyway. Friends ds1 did 11+ and they rewarded him for putting the work in, not for whether he passed or failed the exam it really helped him to focus, luckily he passed.