DD having a wobble about secondary transfer and choice of school

[millicentm]

When we applied for secondary school, my dd was adamant that she did not want to attend the our local school. This was due to long-standing bullying/friendship issues and a desire to meet a different group of children. Although we didn't get a place at our first choice of state school, she was accepted at an independent school, a few miles from where we live (and was very happy to go there).

With only a week left before the end of term, my dd has started to wobble and says that she would now like to go to the local school. Initially, I felt that this was an emotional response to leaving her primary school. However she has come up with a clearly argued rationale and having contacted the LEA, I think that it is quite likley that we would get a place.

I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has had a similar experience. One part of me says that this is something that may pass once the term has ended and everyone has gone on their way. On the other hand, I am quite worried about the impact that this may have on her settling in a new school, if we dismiss it in this way.

What school, as a parent, do you think is right for her? We all have wobbles, aka fears; especially when entering the unknown (with all her mates going to the local comp, this option will make it feel like the more familiar one, especially if they're all talking about it in the playground). The mind is like a soap opera and will make up all kinds of stories before entering new territory, so a wobble, is not grounds to dismiss a school. Like all things unknown, it's never as bad as we originally thought. Moreover, if fear is the issue, I think you have to be careful of the lesson you inadvertently, end up teaching her. You may well have to apply the old chestnut of, feel the fear and do it anyway.

When I started my new school as a kid, didn't know a single soul, but you get over it, in days. I can barely remember a single kid from my primary school days now.

I appreciate it can't be nice and a severe pull on the heart strings, sending your kid off to an environment they're not happy about. I think you have to be strong and apply less emotional judgement or speak to a friend/family memeber who shares your values but less emotionally attached.

What are her 'clear argued rationale ' ?
Has she had the opportunity to go on a ' taster day ' I am sure that if she can this will make her feel a bit better and more reassured as she sees that other kids will be new too.
Could you have the option of sending her to the chosen secondary and if it doesn't work out ask about moving her to the local school or is it oversubscribed? - although I don't think this ideal.
My DC's went to a different secondary school and they have settled in fine, I think they all feel nervous at first but it is a big thing and is one more of those things they have to learn to do in life . Good Luck sure she will love it and by Christmas will be wondering what all the 'wobble' was about !

We were in this situation a few years ago. DD had been seriously bullied in year 6, so we looked at a small independent school as well as the two local comprehensives. Her choice was to leave her friends (lovely girls, and they are still in touch) and start afresh in the independent. We pointed out that there was a longer journey, her new friends would not live close to us, and that she would have to start a new school knowing no one at all. She still wanted to go there, so we agreed. It has worked out brilliantly. She is very happy, has good friends, and has just finished year 10. It is wonderful to see her enjoying school now. She used to cry at night, because she was scared about going in to school, now she can't wait to get back after the school holidays.

What do you think is best for your daughter? What are her reasons for changing her mind?

Have you and your dd bvisited the state school, if so then I think you need to decide which school will suit her better and explain your reasoning to her.

If you haven't visited, then contact them and ask if you can go round pronto before term finishes!

Either way, sorry that your dd is feeling stressed, hopefully she can still enjoy her lat few days at primary

Did you come to a decision??

I suspect she got caught up in all the leavers end of term gossip and excitement. Add that to any nerves (very probably some deep down) about starting her new school and she has got cold feet.

We move house frequently with jobs and my girls have had lots of schools and I can honestly say - being new is very shortlived. By the end of the 1st week 99% of their worries have dissapeared if not all of them.

Can I just say that assuming you have accepted the independent school place you will very probably still be liable for the 1st terms fees even if she does not go. You would need to check your contract.

I do hope your DD settles down ok. My eldest is just changing from her boarding school to another one (she is too old to stay on any longer at her prep school) and she has been having wobbles about her new school. I am trying to keep her positive about the activities and opportunities there are there and remind her that before she started to board she had 5 different schools and that even she admits being new is not that bad.

Also emphasise, that when they are new its OK to not know where they are supposed to be, exactly what they need etc and that the school dont expect them to know everything in the beginning.

Thank you for all your advice. We've decided to wait until the beginning of August to make a decision, as we all agreed that it wasn't sensible to make such a difficult choice during the emotionally charged last week of term.

I spoke to the independent school last week, but as they had broken up much earlier in July, there wasn't anyone around from the academic staff - though there will be in early August. As we're liable for the first term's fees, they felt that there was no need to make an instant decision.

I think that the reason that I'm finding this quite difficult, is that the independent school, though achieving very good results, is not highly academic and is on a par with some of the higher achieving state faith schools in the area. We did apply for one of the latter, but missed out because of distance and the number of siblings applying. If we had been offered a late place at this school, then I probably would have definitely turned down the independent place (even though I would still be liable for the first term's fees), as my dd would receive a similar standard of education for free. My decision was therefore never entirely set in stone.

The more local state school is not quite so high achieving, but is on the up and there may not be much to choose from the two in five years time.

Hi OP, this is probably too late to help, but I was in a similar position as a child, tho slightly different circs: the LEA allocated me to a comp that was some distance from my home. It was high performing but under-recruiting for demographic reasons. I'd have much preferred to go to the lower-performing, but full, comp where my primary schoolmates went, and I wish that I'd been able to. Education is about social skills as well as academic success, and regardless of whether your DD hangs out with old primary school friends, she'll have a better chance of having local friends, from different backgrounds. I'd also say that I went to a very 'low-achieving' primary school, because it was in a working-class area with lots of ESOL kids. It was great, and gave me much more, intellectually, than the academic secondary I went to, which at times felt a bit pressured and competitive in a way that I internalised, unhealthily, and it also got away with a lot of dull talk-and-chalk stuff because the pupils were good little middle-class kids who would respond to anything, really (and we're not talking selective here - in national league tables it is only just above average). Sometimes 'safe' schools can also be boring, whatever their results.
On a brighter note, a friend's son had this exact situation 2 yrs ago, but they fought for a place at the closer, but lower-achieving, school. He is very happy there, and I'm sure one reason he's doing well is that he feels that this was his decision. Sounds like your DD.

And I went to a secondary school very far away from home, can vaguely remember the names of more that around 2 of the kids from primary school; am extremely confident, appreciate it's a big world out there and that life is more than what I can just see around me. When I talk to friends new friends who went to both schools in the same area and ended up working more or less in the same area too, about perhaps going to a poetry event, out of the area for example, you often see them get visibly shaken at the thought of stepping out of their comfort zone.

I think the moral of the story is, for every persons experience, they'll be someone with a completely opposing experience.