What 5 things help most with transition to secondary school?

[EnergyStar]

DS1 (pfb ) goes in September.

He's going to a "good" comp about 15 min bus ride away. None of his close friends are going to the same school, but there are 12 in total going from his year group at primary.

The school arranges a transition day, but unfortunately DS1 and most of the 12 will be away on their yr6 residential. An extra transition morning has been arranged for the following week, but it will only be these children, so they won't get to meet their new classmates etc. They have been told their classes and DS1 has no-one from his primary school in his class (which he seems to have taken very well)

DS1 is a quiet but sociable boy, although never likely to be one of the cool kids. It takes him a while to get involved in a group, but seems well liked by his peers. Slightly above average ability academically and slightly below average sportswise.

What should I (we) be doing to make sure things go smoothly for him? How important really is it that he has the right shoes/bag etc?

I put no stock by having " cool shoes " bag etc I'f you aren't cool and look like a "wanna be" that is worse I think.

My hints for your DS. Be organised, be on time and the other "be" is a given- Behave - which of course he will. TRy to talk to lots of kids, see what you think of them- if there are pre formed groups you might have to try harder (DD2s appraisal of what she learned on year 8 residential, which was to bond a rearrangement of classes was" I know who's nice, who isn't and who is just useless"... I thought it as about challenging yourself and learning skills but that was what she found out!).

Join lots of clubs. TRy things you haven't tried math club might have a geeky image but it'll help you with maths (at the girls school they bring problems or do puzzles) and the 6th formers run it. Nothing like having a 6th former (or year 11) know your name to make a lowly year 7 feel 10 feet tall .

Think about doing a sports club even if you are not v good .To be known to the staff as a "trier" is great and if the school is decent there should not be bullying because of it. DD1 spent year 7 in gym club trying to do a forward roll- the staff supported her, no one laughed - no she never managed it, but she kept trying and didn't hate it at all.

THe school should have a lot of team/form building stuff going on to start with anyway.

My DDs both went to secondary without any of their friends. I have to say that July and August would have been much better if there hadn't been an induction day as in both cases the day was so unsettling that they spent the whole summer in terror!

That said, both are really happy now, and about to finish yrs 8 & 9.

Neither had found friendships particularly easy at primary - one was the third part of a group of three, which was always uncomfortbale, and the other fell out with the class queen bee in Yr4 and never recovered from the social disaster.

We had some very frank discussions about friendship and the kind of expectations they and others might have - about not being too needy or whatever at the outset, about what they liked in friends, what differences in behaviour they could tolerate and what would make friendship difficult etc. We tended to have these conversations in the car, by the way. I found this helped a lot in the early days at secondary because we had set a pattern for this type of conversation and found a vocabulary to express ourselves which we might not have had otherwise.

My DD1 sounds a bit like your DS1 in terms of academic achievement and sport. DD1 was very relieved to find that sport was set in secondary school and she was in set 2, which means that she doesn't get shown up by the ultra good sporty types but has a fair chance of having the ball returned to her in tennis etc. Also, the range of sports they try in secondary worked in her favour, and she actually enjoys badminton now :)

In terms of shoes and bags, I let DD choose both. We actually left the bag selection until the first weekend after school started so that she could see what everyone else had before she committed herself to anything. If you live near to the school you could go and have a look at what everyone else has as they leave of course.

Good luck - it's all very worrying but it will probably be fine in the end.

I agree re the shoes etc Theas and DS1 has no interest at all, but I do remember it being a big thing when I was at school and there's been a lot on here about it.

Thank you janey, for letting me see the missed induction day as a good thing

Suggest to them that you will only get involved with the school

Suggest to them that you would only get involved with the school rarely...

We agreed that they would try and 'fix' any problems themselves without me contacting school. This could involve us discussing options at home and working out solutions together but with them taking the initiative to talk to individual class teachers or pupil support in the first (and occasionally second) instance. However I reserved the right to get in touch with the school directly if it was a 'big' thing.

On pain of death I would no longer try to take their hands when crossing roads at weekends or offer to kiss them goodbye at drop offs for school trips or week long courses...

Manage expectations by telling them it may take a while to make good friends, and in the meantime be warm and friendly to everyone while getting to know people. And don't ask on the first day whether they have made friends!

Make sure he knows how to get to school, ie the way to go if he is walking, or which buses he should get and where the bus stops to and from school are. See if he can go with someone from his primary on the first day, and make sure he knows which entrance to go in at, and where he is meant to go to.

Your DS sounds quite a lot like my DD - she's got a longer journey and there were only 2 other kids from her primary going, neither in her class. No problem, she's made friends. The bus is actually a good social club.

We did a trial run to the school durign the hols using the public bus that ran the same route, made sure she knew the way from the bus-stop including where to cross safely (v busy road). On her first day she was confidently escorting her primary friend who' not done this.

Give support in organising himself (eg check bag packed previous evening).

Really hasn't been a problem. My DDs idea of the right bag is that it shouldn't be Gola, Hollister or whatever. The only thing where 'peer pressure' came in was her phone (they really do need one if they're using buses, in case of delays/breakdowns) - she was happy to start with basic nokia but then realised everyone had a touch-screen which could take photos so DH traded up and gave her his old smartphone.

Keep it in proportion
On his first morning my DS set off with brand new uniform, carefully pressed, and looking very happy
6 hours later he came out with holes in both knees of his trousers and lost buttons off his blazer
In between? He had left his lunch money at home, was too embarrassed to speak to reception who would have arranged a lunch for him and forgot that we/he had packed emergency chocolate bar, apple and bottle of water in his bag.
So he had nothing to eat or drink, felt faint, and tripped ruining both his trousers and blazer.
But, he went on to have 7 very happy years at the school.
So a dreadful first day, but over 7 years, really not a big deal.

Your comments are so helpful. I am having a nightmare with my DS after his induction day last Friday. See my thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/secondary/1508249-DS-had-Year-7-induction-day-and-is-really-upset

My DS is so worried about making friends as non of his mates are in his class, he feel very nervous and scared and it breaks my heart. I am trying to convince him that it will be ok, but he just does not believe me.

My DS is going to a grammar school 12 miles away. None of his friends are going.

The new school gave us a list of all of the DCs that live in our area. We put out contact details on, as did everyone else.

The mums have arranged days out with the boys, they are making friends already. Paired them up for the bus journey.

Maybe you could take to your DS's school to arrange something like this.

Work on the things you can affect - let him walk home from school on his own now, let him use a key to get into the house, practice going on the bus route with him, talk to him about the 'emergency' £2coin you are going to sticky tape into the bottom of his bag, for those days when he does forget / lose his dinner money. Talk to him about "What would you do if....." scenarios.
Don't worry about fashion, it's not a big deal (as long as you aren't going to try and send him with a leather briefcase ) for Yr7 boys.
Label all PE kit etc.
Once he's there, then help him ensure he gets in the habit of getting his planner out each night and seeing what he's got to do and seeing what he needs for the next day.
Make sure he's got a space to work in peace and quiet (desk in his room ?), and things like a scientific calculator and a French / English Dictionary, maybe shelves for different books, etc.
Be nothing but positive about how exciting it is to go to secondary school... don't start asking things like .... "are you worried?"

janeyjampot I had exactly the same situations with my 2 DC

Induction Day wasn't great for my DD either, she was the only one from Primary in her class and found it difficult to talk to the groups. IMO it doesn't help when there are large groups of children wearing leavers hoodies from the same school, rahter than being in the stated non-uniform. And she found the whole size of the school intimidating.

DD was the one who had fallen foul of the queen bee in Y4, is naturally very gregarious and was desperate to make friends. We too had lots of chats about making friends, and being the one to say hello. We also discussed how people change a lot in Y7 and the friends she made the first week (we were very positive) may very well not be the friends she would have at the end of the year.

In September the long holidays had already broken up the groups a bit and she found it much easier. She is very happy with a wide circle of friends now.

I sent my DD off on her induction day today, she was really excited so i am hoping for the best come 3pm.
I wish i would stop bloody worrying about it though!
I just hope so much she has a good day...

when DD went into year 7 we got a box in which she could write any questions or worries and we would talk them through, this really help and meant we could make plan for things she was worried about. as for the shoes get practical ones, DD has had good shoes from clarks for every year since she started year 7, they last the whole year and you can get some "cool" but sterdy looking shoes, as for the bag get one they want, being worried about that on top of everything else isnt helpful! but try and get one that fits everything in it! carrying a lunchbox around isnt "cool"!