Dd doesn't want to be in the same class as her bf, do I tell bf's Mum?

[PennyHasset]

Dd really likes her bf but finds her domineering and wants to start secondary school without her bf in the same class. She feels that she'd like to get to know the other dcs and not just be her bf's sidekick.

I'm friends with her bf's Mum, I wouldn't say we were good friends but we get along well iyswim. Her Mum actively encourages the girls to do everything together and has already mentioned how great it is that they'll be in the same class. I said something about wondering if it's such a good idea for them to be in the same class and the Mum said "oh no, my dd would be devastated if they were split up".

What do I do? I know that we get a form which gives the option to list three or four friends your child would like to be in their class, do I write on it that we don't want to be with dd's bf? Her Mum is likely to kick up a fuss if they aren't allocated the same class if I lead her to believe that I've put her dd's name on he friends list.

Or do I speak to her Mum, which isn't going to be easy. She knows her dd is domineering as its come up but I know she'll take great offence.

Dd has been saying this for a while now so I don't think it's a phase.

Just write three other names as you want her to be with, and mention that you do not want to be in that particular girls class. Just dont say anything. It will be confidential.

Yup, what QS said.

Thirded.

School will just give her the 'sorry, we do our best but can't give evyone their 1st choice' line just like they'll have with a load of other parents too.

Fourthed.

Are you worried that the mum will give off when she discovers they arent in the same class?

I feel for your Dd. I had the same issue with my best friend when I was in primary. I was lucky that I was given a choice of what school I wanted to go to by my parents and I chose a different one to her (I went private instead of a church school with her). We are still good friends but I didn't want to live in her shadow and I am certain senior school would have been a nightmare.

Do whatever you need to do. The mum has no reason to find out.

I agree with QS - you do need to note down that you would rather she wasn't in a class with the girl.

Don't tell the mum, tell the school. As everyone else has said. Make at an active 'don't want her to be in this girls class' rather than prefer her to be with x, y, z. The school will be used to it and will fully understand.

Our school actively splits best friends up and especially 'toxic' friendships, although they do make sure someone they know is in the class. Sometimes with transitions from small schools it does turn out the only one they know is a best friend. In that case, they don't get split up.

If she can, she should put different names down. Good, reliable girls I would recommend over close friends as they are often with their form a lot in the first few years and the hot/cold drama queens can be a bit of a nightmare! They can still be friends if in another form but are easier to 'lose' when they are in dramatic overdrive!

Gosh, your DD's bf didn't lick it off the stones, did she?

Agree with everyone else, put you DD's preference not to share with this girl on the form (plus whatever children she would like to be in class with).

This is her business (and yours), her friend's mother and her friend really don't need to know.

Write on form that your DD needs to be in a separate class to friend A. State that you are happy to talk to the school about this and that you would prefer not to discuss it beyond this.

I hope my DS is split up from his FB in Y1.

Do you get to fill out the form yourself, though? Usually it's given to the children (dd had hers yesterday).

I would check with dd though that she's sure she isn't going to change her mind on this - when she starts year 7 without that familiar face in her class, she might possibly regret it. I wouldn't say anything to the mum.

Also, people change a lot in year 7, so if she does find that she's in this girl's class, she may find she drifts away, or is less domineering, in the long run.

Finally - contrary to what others have said, whilst I might list the children I did want her to be with, I don't think I'd put that I actively didn't want the other girl there - the logistics of it all are probably complex enough without parents/children adding caveats and extra requests which might not be possible.

I wouldn't tell the mother. It'll be much easier for her to deal with her daughter if she can say "one of those things" rather than someone's fault.

Three things you need to consider.

1. They will probably give priority to the don't want. If the other girl lists the same people as friends then she could find herself in a class on her own with all the other friends together. Dh knew someone this happened to.
2. Will the bf claim her lunch/break. Dd1 has this. Her bf is in a separate form, but hates dd1 having other friends. If dd1 makes a friend in her form, bf is horrible to them (in a sort of sneaky way) and the friend steps back. If bf come along with a friend dd1 welcomes them. Result is dd1 has no friends in her form that she can rely on.
3. If all the other girls come with 1/2 friends from previous school, she's got to break into a friendship group, which can be hard.

Gawd no, do not tell. What others said, & If the issue comes up in chitchat give it a good spin: "It's great that they are broadening their social circles!" & change the subject.

Thanks all, I was thinking of doing as you've all said but wondered if it was a bit spineless. The mother will make a fuss if they're not in the same class and I can imagine her ringing the school etc but I think you're right that the school will just trot out the line about doing their best etc.

It is the parents who fill in the form (thank goodness) as dd1 is at the same school, so I've done it before. In fact dd1 asked to be in a class where she knew nobody as we had only moved into the area a few months before and she wanted to start afresh in secondary school. She has made so many friends that I really don't worry about dd2 not being with her bf.

Phew - I feel so much better for 'talking' it through with you all.

Sounds like other mum is a domineering personality herself. :(
If she asks I would come clean but like I said put a positive spin on it being a chance for new friendships along with old ones.

I told secondary school I didn't want my DS in any lessons with a boy who had been hell since reception ... seven years on, they have never had a single lesson together and life has been so much easier. If you don't ask, you won't get.

Just had this issue with dd. She wrote the names of three friends she wished to be in a class with, but omitted to put her "best friend" who has become increasingly difficult.

It's all anonymous, and a school would never reveal these matters.

What dd asked me, however, was what should she say to her friend if the friend asked if she put her name down? I said to tell a white lie and say "yes", because they will never find out and it's better than hurting someone's feelings. I would definitely not discuss this with the mum.

You can try. I asked for DD not to be in a class with her former BF, and she was put in anyway (Eight classes to choose from!). Five days later I got a phone call from school to say they were moving BF from DDs class and would it be a problem for DD. Oh no, says I.

One year later, due to low numbers they are losing DDs class and distributing the children into the other classes and guess where they are putting DD!

I think the form is a bit of a side issue. If you don't want to be in the same class as your "best friend" then that person isn't really your best friend. Many women have had these sorts of issues with friends who bully or dominate.
You need to talk to your daughter about the nature of friendship and that if you don't want to socialise with someone as much it is OK to see less of them and find new friends and that for many of us our friendships change over time.
I wouldn't say anything to the mother but if the mother came up to me and moaned about the situation or found out that my daughter hadn't listed this girl then I would be honest with her and say that my daughter found her daughter a bit overbearing at times.
It is likely that your relationship with this mum will be affected if your daughters drift apart, especially if her daughter tries to "cling on" to your daughter in a controlling manner.
I agree that if the other girls all put each other on the form and it's a small group then your daughter may find herself without her friend group. Did she talk to her other friends about this and see if any of them were putting her down on their list?
It all sounds a bit horrible, all this listing your friends thing, like a popularity contest.
Schools should just allocate the children and split up cliques a bit.

We had this situation as well. DD friend was very shy and quiet and really the only person she talked to going to the same secondary school was my DD. They were allocated separate classes and I breathed a sigh of relief but the friends mum asked the school to put them in the same class and the school was happy to oblige. The mum phoned me very happy with this. I did not know what to do but felt I had to speak to the school and tell them to reconsider. Obviously the mum found out, I explained but she was very unhappy and I have not spoken to her since!!
DD and this girl walked to school together for a while but she had loads of time off sick and disappeared completley by the end of Y8 - Home Educated ot Hospital education I think - another story

2rebecca - I agree with what you are saying and both DH and I have talked to dd2 about standing up for herself and/or finding new friends. Not a conversation we ever thought we'd have with her as she was the domineering one when she was younger. Her friend is a lovely girl and good fun, but she does like to have everything her way. They are in a small primary school and dd2 feels that if she back away from her bf the others will turn against her for being mean to bf. Secondary school could be a new start.

I am very lucky in that the school my DD is going to doesn't take information about who DC would like to be with... They only want to know any requests to separate but will then try to put at least one or two from each primary class together....

They also take advice from primary as to any toxic friendships or issues too.

I think that's better as it removes any popularity contests in Y6 by filling in forms etc and tbh DD and her classmates would change their minds afterwards anyway....

Don't tell the other mother anything. Apart from the fact she sounds a bit domineering too, I am just watching fall out from parents approaching other parents about this sort of thing and it isn't pretty!

I would speak to the school directly and tactfully explain reasons. If you just put other names on the form and the other mother speaks to the school, they may still move them all in together.