Weekly Boarding at mainly Day School or Day at mainly Boarding School?

[amber2]

Anyone with DS weekly boarding at a school that is principally a day school? I like one school and and have done the tour but would either have to move or have DS weekly board -I don't feel inclined to move given the costs and upheaval but am concerned also that it is principally a day school, and boarders are a minority, that boarding provisions/activities will not be as good as they could be and he may feel strange if most go home every day except the overseas students.... The day provisions at this school don't seem to be flexible either, i.e. with no provision for ad hoc boarding occasionally or staying for dinner etc. as a day boy.

I have the opposite issue with another well known indie school, which is proximate and so I would be inclined to apply to it as a day school (it also seems to have more flexibility in terms of staying late or overnight on occasion), but I believe the day children are in a minority of only 15% and wondered if they felt somehow second class because of this? Someone with DCs having direct experience of either situation would be helpful.

The third option is full-time boarding school with boarding option only but too early to decide if that will suit DS yet and have to admit my reservation is that my not even seeing DS at the weekends will mean I don't keep my hand in as much as I would like and in fact that would be harder for me than for him!

In my now extensive experience of boarding it doesn't matter what your child does providing he is in the majority. In a day school with a few boarders school will end probably no later than 6pm you DC are then on their own with the few remaining boarders who they may not get on with and/or may be a lot older and extracurricular activities etc. are arranged either at lunch time or immediately after school. If you are a day child in a mainly boarding school the opposite applies activities go on often into the evening including prep and day children either miss out or have to stay often till gone 9pm so might as well board and they miss out on all the fun informal activities that boarders do and that brings them together as a group; just chatting in a dorm, the ever popular dorm raids and pillow fights etc.
With regard to full boarding yes you're right you don?t keep your hand in but I find it a relief to hand it over to someone who is twenty times more competent than I.

I would find out a little more about the boarding and the evening routine at each school. My DD was a weekly boarder in a school where the majority were day pupils but there was strong group of boarders who whilst coming from a range of ages worked together as a "little family" almost with strong house parents and other supervising staff so my DD ( aged 14 when she did this and some weeks the only girl senior boarder!) felt pretty well looked after.
It helped that the school had a lot of day pupils who stayed to do prep, evening meal and activities and sometimes stay over on odd nights so she usually had someone she was friendly with in school until 8.pm.

With the mostly boarding school, both my DCs are at schools which are full boarding but have around 10-15% day pupils. At DDs school pupils are assigned to a boarding house, have a share of a room with a desk in it, must register in house in morning, return to house when not in lessons, stay for prep in house and so only leave school at 8.30 in the evening. They also have a certain number of nights term when they can stay over for no charge and always if the school requires them to for an event. They can also come in at weekend for socials etc so if managed properly day pupils can be quite well integrated into a boarding school.

With regard to full boarding it depends on where you live in relation to the school and how flexible it is as to whether you will see him at weekends. Both my DCs schools encourage weekend visits- to watch matches ( and afterwards we can take them out for a meal/shopping etc unless it clashes with a formal school commitment) on Saturdays or just to go out for lunch on a sunday.

If you haven't already been to look around ask to speak to a housemaster from one of the boarding houses - some schools have a master whose pastoral care responsibility is the day pupils.

Thanks for the responses ....happygardening and schoolchaffeur (interesting nicknames!)- yes looks like i will have to delve deeper - and these are the kind of considerations thet are just as important as academic ones ....the schools I am referring to are Abingdon and Wellington, (and I noted even Reading Grammar has state boarding though very much a minority) so I guess I will have to delve deeper ...at W, as day puplils they can leave after 6 or stay for dinner and do their prep til 9 pm (though I think you pay more if you belong to a boarding house as a day student), so yes I hear what you say about the activities going late into the night- I will just be providing him a room in the week and hardly see him in any case. I do have concerns about losing influence over DS (and missing him!) if he went full boarding, but I can see the definite upside too -- though if you want to go in and see matches, have lunch on Saturday etc., then location is still a consideration, but the positives are I guess the social life they will have with peers, the independence and the fact that a housemaster deal with that all that teenage angst is appealing in many ways..

Full boarding has IMO many advantages my DS leads a full and active life participating in many more activities than I could provide for him at home in a million years. He mixes with all ages and cultures and like many boys enjoys communal living. Of course the housemaster is key to its success. We so far have not experienced any teenage angst and being at home and participating in the most simple of activities brings all of us enormous pleasure; just walking the dogs and eating Sunday lunch en famille.

I wouldn't choose Wellington unless your ds is sporty and wants to board. From what I hear those are still the requirements to enjoy that school (whatever the head may say). I don't think it is particularly academic either, which may or may not be a concern.

Hi Amber. I'm with HG here, as I think full boarding offers the best experience for teenagers and all the fun stuff happens after prep and at the weekends (or at least it did when I boarded). When we "peeled the onion", W turned out to be firmly weekly boarding and it has become very attractive to the London market as a result. I know some people with DCs at A and they are very happy with it. I too worry about losing influence over DS, but in those teenage years the peer group is an important influence, possibly more so than parents, but each family is different. I think it is important to be in the majority at whatever school you choose unless it offers the full smorgasboard (sp?) of full, day, weekly, flexi...as so many do, and then I suppose anything goes!! Good luck with your decision.

I suspect my DS might be glad to lose my "influence" being completely eccentric I suspect he enjoys a bit of normality from time to time.

And I should have mentioned as Milkshake points out, that even some schools which profess to be "full boarding" in practice end up being half empty from Saturday after matches until Sunday night as many pupils who live within an hour or so's drive get taken home. DS (14) has a friend in this situation and friend is pretty miserable as he is often left with not too much to do on a Sunday as he lives quite a bit further away from the school and due to other domestic issues ( elderly parents etc) can't drive down every weekend to pick him up and feel that since it is a full boarding school for which they are being charged they shouldn't have to!
DS school has at least one exeat each side of half term but really discourages people going home outside these times and insists that all boarders attend sunday chapel- this is quite rigidly adhered to ( except for special reasons like weddings etc) and means that people don't ask unless for a good reason. The school is therefore really busy with loads of activities on Saturday nights and on Sunday afternoons.
So see if you can find out what the trend is if you are interested in full boarding.
I agree with HG- full boarding is a great experience for teens- my son has grown up before our eyes in two terms and our previously very shy DD has come out of her shell and made so many new friends.

Proper full boarding schools with no day/weekly/flexi are few and far between. My DS is at one We have no exeats this term and chapel on Sunday either morning or evening is compusory (no exceptions not even for "speciial reasons"). If your looking at a school and this matters to you ask: So how many were in last weekend? We looked at one school and they claimed they had lots of full boarders but when actually put on the spot only 2 out of 14 were actually in!

I went to a school where boarders were firmly in the minority. We loved it. The boarders were a very tight group. We won all the sports competitions on team spirit alone.

My son is now a day pupil at a mostly boarding school. He stays there till 9pm and has his own room in a house with other boarders. The integration means he feels part of the house.

Contrary to what has previously been said, I don't think it is necessary to be in the majority. Just look at how the schools manages the minority and see if you think it works.

We looked at boarding at Abingdon and would have been happy for our son to go there. Don't know about Wellington.

Hello Amber

I have a son at A as a day boy, he is very happy and the school suits him well.

When he started at the school he thought he may like to board at some point (prob for 6th form), but now, with a couple of years experience of the school, I doubt he will choose to.

Most of the boarders are from overseas (lots from HK/Singapore/China, I think the school actively recruits in these countries).

Are you aware that A no longer has Saturday school? (and they now play football as well as hockey, and RS is no longer a compulsory GCSE option, all things that delighted my ds).

A is a fantastic school, but if you want boarding, I would consider other options - or bite the bullet and move to one of the lovely villages around A, or to Oxford. There is a very extensive bus service.

Happy to provide more details if you need them.

Thanks all for the insights, appreciate it...really you are just confirming my own thoughts.

Soda1234, yes i have heard great things about A. A did strike me as having more overseas boarders than UK ones, ..and I noted from the tour that Saturday School is no more..was not aware that GCSE RS had ever been compulsory ...glad to hear they changed that.

I am looking a little early and think I am going to have to see how DS (9 yrs old) develops in terms of maturity and his own leanings towards full vs weekly boarding vs day and hedge some bets here in schools registered for. I've only just started doing the tours and will seek to focus more on the boarding aspects on next one. I find myself leaning towards full boarding as i think he will enjoy the social aspects but am struggling around the idea of missing so much of the rest of his childhood if he goes. On the other hand, I think by the time he would get home from a his senior school, after activities or prep/homework, it would be a long day anyway and it will likely just feel as if I am providing room and board to a teenager during the week and his life in the evenings would be more interesting around his peers!.

If you want full boarding make sure you are registered at Eton, Winchester, Harrow, Radley, Marlborough. They are the only ones I can think of within 1.5hrs of my geographical location (London) - sorry, don't know where you are. Your choice will be more limited if you look at full boarding...but if you like one of them, then the decision is easier IYSWIM!

Both our sons went weekly boarding at a school where there were a few Full boarders (about 20%) and a few day boys, or day boarders as they were known (about 10%) Most of the school were weekly boarders. The day boarders were definitely on the outside unless they had the one redeeming feature of being good at sport.

I was a day girl in a predominantly boarding school, and it was a bit crap to be honest. Socially it was difficult as it was just not possible to compete (if that's the right word?) with friendships that are based on kids living with each other 24 hours a day. Also, the day girls came from a wide radius around the school, so there were very few day girls who lived close enough to see outside of school on a regular basis.

I have a DS who is a full boarder at a mainly day school. I wouldn't recommend this option to anyone, unless there are really good academic reasons for doing this (in his case, there are).

Weekly boarders at that school seems to be fine - the boarders arrive Sunday evening and leave Friday afternoon. The boarding house is busy enough on weekday evenings, although what HG says about the extra curricular closing by 6pm is true.

I also have experience of full boarding at an all-boarding (for years 7 and 8) prep school. Activities go on to 9pm most evenings, and DS2 is busy and happy. I have read that the all-boarding schools I am considering for senior school typically require the day students to be in school to 9pm. This reassures me as a parent of a full boarder that everyone else will be around, but I would see that as a very tiring schedule for the day-student who gets home at 9:30 pm every evening.

Another thought if you are considering full boarding but are not sure if you will deal easily with missing him, is that the relationship with your DS is anyway going to change as he grows. The sweet 9-year-old that you now want to see every evening is not the same child as the 13-year-old you would be dropping off at boarding school for a couple of weeks at a time four years later. By then, he will be ready for new things.

I agree with the posters that say boarding is great for teenagers.

Great to hear all these positive comments about boarding ,...I see a lot of negative comments on this board about how it risks scarring one emotionally etc. for life but I think boarding at 13+ is very different from boarding at 8+ and there is a lot more pastoral care than there used to be many years ago. I suspect in the right school, DS will take to it like a duck to water and it is in a way the "unselfish" thing for me to look at for him - because selfishly I would prefer his company at home every evening, but he is quite a social animal (and more kind and quirky than an Alpha type), and I don't think after the initial few weeks he would have any strong homesickness issues. He was dead set against boarding a couple of years ago but having tried some ad hoc overnighters at his prep school is now happy to consider it.

I am considering Eton also (albeit I feel ambiguous about the place), as DS's prep school sends a handful of boys there (small minority though) and I am told one can be quirkiness is not a bar to entry (and DS is that). Assuming he is (and importantly, assuming the Headmaster also thinks he is) clever and focussed enough to get in, I would register him, as I think it will be a great education, one of the best, and it is very close so would be very convenient for meeting for lunch on a Saturday.

But the reserve I personally need to mentally overcome, (or prejudice should I say?) is I have is I am very firmly in the middle of the middle class, a professional with a grammar school background and a decent income, and financially I could manage it, though not without a sharp intake of breath each term, I just don't want him to feel he's in the wrong social milieu by going there - you want their education to instil them with self-confidence, so the last thing I want to pay through the nose for is to send DS to a place where he may end up feeling socially inferior for five years because he hasn't got a polo pony, or acreage of land or go skiiing in Gstaad...

The other reserve I have is the social "stigma" (you all know what I mean) he will have of being labelled an OE for life (especially as he is not anything close to aristocracy or connected thereto), whereas other major like Winchester, and minor public schools don't really carry that stigma.

Despite these prejudices, I am strangely drawn to the place, notwithstanding its over the top uniform, because of its reputation for academic excellence, its range of opportunities /activities and importantly for me for weekend visits, its proximity.

I am not against state schools either, (though I detested my own rigid and uber-strict state grammar) , there are just not many good choices at secondary where we live, and tbh, if he were lucky enough to get into Reading Grammar (also an excellent school from all acounts) and Eton, I'd be torn between the two and might just plump for the former because of the considerable sum I would save.

My DS was telling me in a totally unrelated conversation how important your dorm mates are. I pointed out that as they only go in the dorms to go to bed and they have there own common room then surely it didn't really matter who you were with. But he felt that this was a time when your are really relaxed and away from all that is going on and a time especially in the beginning when friendships are made and also a time for getting to know others who you may not initially warm too better. If you are a day child in a predominately boarding environment you never experience this and I suspect always remain slightly on the outside. Both my DS's full boarded at their prep from 8 yrs and the handful of day children even though they often stayed until 8 pm were never fully integrated and always slightly looked down upon by the other children.

Trix 2323

Laughing at your post ..my 9 year old is not always sweet with me! But is usually with other people, sometimes he exhibits some of the surliness one expects of a teenager ...another reason I am think boarding may suit him when he is a teenager as by that time he may just be regarding home as providing room and board ....:)

amber2 re: Eton you are opening up a can of worms they are pages and pages on MN about Eton versus Winchester, Harrow, St Paul's and even Billericay Comprehensive. Those who like it will tell you its perfect in every way those who don't will tell you extensively why Win Coll/St Paul's/Harrow/Billericay Comp is a million times better. I didn't like it and love two of the others I've just mentioned but I do accept that its an excellent school I know no one with a boy whose been there or is there who has a bad word to say about it and I will say that being "middle of the middle class, a professional with a grammar school background and a decent income," is not a reason not to send your DS there.

I went to a boarding school and day boys got left out to a certain extent because the focus of the school was on the boarders - life went on after 5.00 pm.

The focus and culture of a school is what is important. If it has a 'day school attitude' then it will be that things wind down after 5.00 pm and weekly boarders pretty much sent to boarding houses. If it has a 'boarding school attitude' then things will carry on after the day boys have gone home.

We have considered day boarding and weekly boarding for our children but sent them to a day school with very very good extra curricular activites and extended day provision instead. We still do feel thouggh as a day school the teachers attitude is not the same as teachers at a boarding school. Their focus is on getting home ASAP at the end of the day whereas at a boarding school there is no 'end of day'.

I would suggest go for a traditional boarding school as many have all sorts of flexi, weekly and day boarding options.

My DS1 is going to a predominantly boarding school as a day boy in Sept. We live on the same street about 2 miles out of the village. He will be doing 8am until 8.30pm. I fully expect that he will ask to board after the first year. He will have friends who are day boys though. About 20% of children are day and they all come from the same prep which is part of the school.

amber2 - I am laughing too now - if your DS is sometimes less that sweet at 9, you should certainly give boarding further consideration!

My DS2 at 11 was very sweet - once he was old enough to go from school to extra curricular alone, he told me that it was a long time to go without seeing me. He still asked to board, though, and I when I thought about how hard it had been to get DS1 - then 15 and boarding - to do his homework, I agreed. I miss him, but it was a good decision.

DS1, now 17, is enjoying boarding too, but he took much longer to settle in. Part of the problem was that there simply wasn't enough for him to do at the weekends. That wouldn't be a problem for the weekly boarders, and may not be a problem for some students.

I think that the absolute size of the boarding community at weekends, as well as how a particular child will fit in to that community, are important factors in choice of school for anyone considering full boarding.

If you are considering Eton - be sure to register your DS before the 10 years 6 months cut-off!

"I see a lot of negative comments on this board about how it risks scarring one emotionally etc. for life"
This is just crap put about by those who are not in the know about how boarding schools are organised in the 21st century. At work I see quite a lot of emotionally scarred children/adults rest assured not one of them sites boarding as the reason and quite a few do in fact board.

I agree HG- the only people I have met who have had issues with boarding were either there about 25 years ago when some schools certainly did not have the levels of pastoral care we have and expect now or did not want to board in the first place. If your DS positively wants to do it then he will be happy- a bit of homesickness as he adjusts to a new routine is normal but if he really wants to do it, it will soon be overcome!