Super selective Grammar. DD not want it.

[Fossie]

DD has been offered a place at a super-selective Grammar school. We have had to accept it as it was our first choice and we wouldn't be offered anywhere else. DD has all along wanted to go to local faith comp where a number of friends are going. We told her, if she could pass the Grammar test she probably should be going there. She is still upset with us (that we put the Grammar first) and is the only child going there in her class. Does anyone have experience of a child in this position? Hopefully they came round in the end? Or not! I know there are other children without a school place at all so feel reluctant to sound too worried but it was such a hard decision to make and we still don't know if we have made the right one.

Both of my step kids went to the selective grammar. Whilst they were reasonably stoic about it, my DSD was worried about missing friends etc. It's to be expected really.
They knew one or two other kids from their school who were going, but they were not close friends.
On the plus side, they both made new friends easily - the school has a large catchment so there were lots of other kids in the same boat.
They are now in the 6th form there and have both done really well, DSD in particular has had fantastic GCSE results, they have both had a really positive school experience.
Does your DD do any out of school activities that would enable her to maintain some of her current school friendships? One downside for our kids has been that their new friends are much less local.

Gosh that's a hard one!

Is it simply not going to the school her mates are going to? If so it's a non issue. If they are decent mates then they will keep in touch - fbook etc if you'll let her (at just 11 I wouldn't) but txting etc and can meet up loads- they'll still be the kids living near to her.

Our situation was different I guess. Big city , even the local community schools are some mixed,some single sex as well as small catchments, so it was normal for kids to go to different schools even taking selection out of the mix.

As it stands that is the school place she has, and for what it's worth the fact she got a place means it's academically the right place for her. It is the school she will start in September. She isn't going to get a waiting list place now and it would be unfair to the kids who really need the comp place to fight them now- simply rejectin the grammar place would be foolish as she'd get allocated "sinksville" if the LA gave her a place at all.

IME (and remember I only have grammar school kids so a one sided view) the friendship/team building stuff they do means that a few weeks into term they have friends (and know lots of the other kids too) . These friendships have endured like no other (apart from DD1 and her best mate who were welded together at the hip at 7 and went through grammar together too, aquiring 3 other "best mates" as well). DS didn't really have friends till he went selective and DD2 is everyones mate anyway. Kids at our grammars often are the only 1 from their school attending let alone their class.

I think you need to have a chat with her and agree that maybe if she isn't happy come the summer, having given it a year- seen the ups and downs of friendships, grammar level working etc, you will put her down on the waiting list for the faith school. Only agree this if you will carry it through though.

IME she'll not look back after the first week or so in September BUT equally if she did stick a year and was still miserable I'd grit my teeth and do what she wanted after looking at the pros and cons. 5yrs is a hell of a long time for a teen to be miserable if you look at it that way.

Both DCs went to indies while their state primary friends went to the local comp. Neither DC minded since, after 7 years, they both felt that they had outgrown their primary school friends. They still text/Skype their old friends and occasionally meet up at half term .

There was no coming 'round' as such for us but I recently spoke to a few of the primary school mums and they said that intially their DCs stayed in the comfort zone, friends wise, but after Christmas many had moved onto a new set of friends.

If your DD is bright enough to get a place at a super selective GS you may find that after the intial period your DD will find she has more in common with her GS classmates than her old crowd. I hope that it didn't sound snobish.

I think the key is to establish how well she is likely to do at the super-selective school.
If she is going to find much in common with her cohort in terms of her ability then she will prosper and find the challenge one that she will grow into and she will make new friends.
However if she is in the bottom set at the super-selective then I think that she will not enjoy the experience as much as she will always feel as though most of the cohort are better than her and continue to want to be with her friends.
Is it possible to establish what their scores were and what the minimum scores were to gain entry, to give you an idea of where she stands in the cohort?

Pusheed, I totally agree both my DS went to Grammar (the only children from their RC Primary Schools) and they have never looked back, in fact they are only in touch with 1 or 2 Primary school friends and really they now have the most wonderful friends! I am sure your DD will be fine within a month as there will be lots of Children who are the only ones from their old Primary.

OMG!! Pusheed Brave New World! Only the Alphas are friends with Alphas. How terrifying.

I mostly agree with admission but it's not necessarily so - my DSD was a bit of a slacker at primary and probably was not in the top level of entrants to grammar - unlike her brother who was the other way round. Few years down the line though and it's a different story - DSS has still done well, but DSD has shone at this school and it has really brought out her talents.

Starlady I get what you are saying, but particularly my DS had such a miserable time in year 5-6 at primary due to bullying as a "boffin" that I nearly pulled him out and sent him to a prep. It was the thought of grammar that kept him going through that time ( that and singing with other "boffs") .

He's actually now on chatting terms with some of the primary kids who wouldn't give him the time of day at 10-11yrs but have matured and are nice kids at 16.

You must following your initial gut feeling and send your child to the best school for them. It will be daunting but they will make new friends. This is the advice I was given many times by parents going through the same thing over and over!!

This was me - 30 odd years ago! I was the only one to pass the 11+ and much to my disgust was sent to the Grammar School - on my own - instead of to the local sec mod with my friends. It was completely the right decision, of course.

starlady - Birds of a feather fly together (or something like that) Sounds better than your Alpha analogy which implies snobbery. We are at the bottom of the economic food chain at our DCs indies so we are hardly Alphas, at least not in that world.

I was simply making the point that the OPs DC would have more in common with like minded children whether it is a love of sports or academic stuff.

I was the only kid in my school who passed the 11plus. There will be other children in your dd's situation so she won't be the only one without friends on the first day. So other girls will be happy to chat and make friends.

DS has passed the 11+ and will be going to a new school without any of his classmates. He is quite sanguine about it - as he has already pointed out even his classmates who are going to the same secondary school are unlikely to be in the same class anyway. You need to work on the fact that she is likely to make the best friends of her life at her new school (usually true!) and she will probably have a lot more in common with them etc.....

Many thanks to all. Her concerns are 1. It is not close (5 miles away) 2. It doesn't have boys and sometimes she wants to do basketball or football 3. The girls will be stuck-up and boring. Her last comment is from her observation of those that took the entrance exam. Ah well. I guess we will find out.

She might find they don't doo football or basketball for girls at the mixed school. Do find out for sure what sports they do at the super selective. Is there a local girls football team she can join?
Ask the school if she can visit now she has got in.

I was the only kid in my year who passed the 11+, council house, working class, single parent background. My mum chose not to send me to the only grammar in the district so I went to the comp with my friends. After a couple of months most of us expanded our friendship groups to include children not from our primaries. By age 16 only one of my close friends was from the primary. I think my mum made the wrong decision as there was a lot of stigma at the school if you were bright. So I hid my abilities to an extent and concentrated on popularity as a survival instinct, and came out with grades below what I would have achieved at a grammar.

I suppose it depends on how bloody minded your child is. A friend of mine sent her son to the same school that his siblings go to (for practical reasons - lifts etc). He wanted to go to another school with his best friends and made life for everyone very difficult until the school suggested a "fresh start" may be in order and he transferred.