You "know" what's "best" for your child???

[enigmacode]

Sorry about the rambling that follows, really confused...
I keep seeing this expression everywhere: you KNOW you DS and know what school suits him BEST.. Well I don't! Am I the only one?
In year 5 state primary he is on top tables of top set, Head says to try a selective grammar or scholarship/bursary to indie, but when it comes to doing his homework DS hates it. It never comes out of him to do it and needs to be nudged and reminded. We're preparing him for a the 11+ but everytime DH and I tell him it's time to sit down to do some practice we receive moaning as an answer. And tears afterwards if he gets something wrong. How is he going to cope with 2 hours homework everyday and the pressure to get As? He is never bored at home and loves writing poems, drawing comics and graphic humour, reading, building. But whenever he is asked to design a poster for an event at his school he decides not to participate. He plays two instruments at a very high grade but when the school recently asked for volunteers to play at the music assembly, he did not want to take part. He plays in the school band but when asked if he wanted to join the choir aswell he said nice but no thank you, because he would lose even more free time at lunch. What's the point of pushing for an indie if he may not take advantage of all the clubs and extracurriculars? He can chat with us for hours about relativity, evolution, political corruption and everything on earth with incredible interest and maturity, but he was asked recently by an adult a few questions such as what's your favourite something and he went completely blank and clueless. He is the only child in his class without a games console of any kind and he loves games. He now has enough pocket money saved to buy himself a Nintendo DS and we have given him the greenlight. Well he's not buying himself one! He is extremely cautious and never the leader of any pack, but in his recent football matches he has started shouting instructions to all his team mates and coaching them as he runs! He is a puzzle!!
He is an only child and I just can't compare him to anyone else.
How did you know your child? How did you just know what school he was going to fit in?

He sounds like he needs somewhere that will allow him to be him - be it grammar, private or comprehensive. You need somewhere that isn't an exam machine and will accept and encourage his individuality - is there anywhere like that near you?

We've seen one through Independent, two through Grammar and one through Secondary Modern/ High school, and none have been under pressure to get As. My youngest is very like my brother in character - very bright but very lazy. DB went to a comp and was allowed to coast, just getting put down sets with no incentive to actually do anything. DS went to Grammar and was "encouraged" to keep up

If the HT is telling you to go for a Grammar then that's probably the way to go, especially if he's in top sets.

He is only in Y5 and most normal 10 year olds don't like homework. If he is with children just as bright or brighter, he will more than likely rise to the challenge of an academic school and find lots of things to engage with as he gains in maturity. I'd keep my options open with grammar and independent school they know how to bring out the best in bright but lazy boys.

I think he sounds lovely, clever and interesting, and a normal 9 or 10 year old boy. He needs his particular boat floating and I don't think you'll know now which that will be.

I wouldn't over-think the reaction to 11-plus prep - I am not sure it translates to homework at 14 say. I agree with others - I would keep your options open for now. They grow up so much during this process.

Maybe say to him that the tests are supposed to be hard, and he will get things wrong, that's fine. Try setting fixed times for practice but set quantities (ie you do it at ten on Sunday, and if you finish the paper sooner, you stop sooner, as long as you have tried your best, leaving more time for fun)? Or little chunks but more often so it becomes routine? And chocolate.

It sounds to me like he may be very risk averse, and what comes across as 'not interested' might be 'scared of failing' and he just opts out of trying. It probably masks a deep-seated anxiety about not being able to meet expectations and being afraid to take a risk (the decision not to buy a DS is symptomatic -- he can't bring himself to let go of his savings). This is quite common in v bright children and I don't think there are easy answers. Perhaps when you go and look at schools, there will be one he really aspires to (good politics club or fab science department). My risk-averse son was not interested in 11+ prep until he really fell in love with a school at open day, and then he was prepared to put the effort in.

Hmm... what to do? I think you need to take a stand and really insist that he takes up at least one of the opportunities offered by the school. Perhaps you could do a deal that if he sticks it out for a term, you will pay for half the DS? He will probably love choir/orchestra once he's there -- it's just the committing to joining that he's having trouble with. If he sees that it's not as 'risky' as he thinks it is, he might give more activities a go. Also, can you leverage his friends to join in too? That's often a good motivating factor.

Boys this age are often not too old for an incentive chart. Work out some activities you want him to do (practice paper for 11+) and mix them up with things he likes doing (half an hour on mathletics?), and the 'reward' for a full chart could be a new game or something he would really like. It's always a good idea to negotiate the activities and incentive together so that he feels he has a stake in it rather than it being imposed on him.

I agree with you, EnigmaCode. I think it's valuable for parents to use their wisdom to guide their kids away from truly rubbish choices, but beyond that, there's so much we can't predict correctly.

Thank you, all so wise! DS just said to me out of the blue he is worried about the future, about growing up, about schools and the eleven plus. He asked "what if I make a fool of myself in secondary school?".

Wow your ds sounds similar to mine! Also year 5, a deep thinker, a worrier, doesn't push himself forward, yet very confident in other arenas such as football. And is popular at school.

We are sending him to a very good, local mixed comp with great results but one that celebrates the individual and is quite creative and touch feely. We feel he will put too much pressure on himself at a grammar (if he got in - he's top sets too, like all children on Mumsnet!!!!!) and it will be too rigid for him.

DD2 is also an odd mixture of sometimes very confident and then suddenly not.
She worries about SATs and going to senior school.

Quite different to her take life as it comes big sister.

I would strongly advocate going to look at schools with your DS - he can ask suitable questions of the boys that show him round and hopefully will find a school that he loves.

That is the only way we gained an inkling of what was probably the best school for DD - she loved it and is really keen to start in Sept.

Proudnscary, your comp sounds nice. I don't have anything like that near here. Anyway, as some of you have said, we should keep getting him familiar with the exams for selectives and see how it goes. It is true they grow so much in a year, when it will be time to make big decisions.
Whiskers, he has been to look at schools. He likes all of them and doesn't want to go to the local comp. He knows we can't afford full fees so maybe he just doesn't feel he can choose and pick to be fair. On open days he doesn't ask any questions, becomes quite respectful and intimidated by the older children showing us around. He doesn't get busy in the science labs like other boys I have seen who jump at the opportunity. He remains a polite observer. That said, I have also seen parents pushing their DC's to take part in what the school has prepared (physically pushing them!) and we're not the types to do that. It would make me feel

My DS was very worried about secondary at the end of year 5 too. He was totally ready to go by the end of year 6. BTW my kids are not all top sets, in fact I don't think either is in a top set, that doesn't mean they won't get a* at their comp though ( but definitely not in everything).

"what if I make a fool of myself in secondary school?"

Ahhh, bless, tell him everyone worries about that and adults do too, at job interviews for example. He sounds very thoughtful and articulate so he may feel that no-one else feels like this, as others are not articulating it.

Tell him the whole process is a bit strange, it has evolved over many years in rather random directions just like reptiles and no-one is in overall charge. So you keep your options open, do what you need to even if it is mad, take the chance to learn some new stuff (even if it is just VR/NVR, you practise thinking quickly), notice how good the biscuits/clean the loos/friendly the teachers are at the exams, enjoy the time off school (no need to rush back after an exam I think, we found trains are often delayed or lunch took a long time coming...), see what you get offered and take it from there.

I know it is not that straightforward for his parents who have to fill in a CAF but in year 5 I think a bit of humour and not pretending that this is a sensible way to decide things helps them. And once he has done his work, that's it, don't talk about it till the next session.

Personally, I think it sounds like he does quite a lot outside school anyway, and I wouldn't push it too much now. It sounds like he is more developed in some ways than others and may need time to even himself up? If he is happy and settled at secondary school, he'll get the chance. By the end of primary school they can all be a bit fed up with each other and put off by tricky dynamics. Encourage all his wonderful creative hobbies and interests now and they can find a more structured home in a year or two.

This reminds me when I went to look at Universities and I eventually applied to 3. I only got into my 3rd choice (this is in the USA where academic ability is only a minor part of the application). Only getting my 3rd choice was, in retrospect, a very good thing because I realise I so was not the right material for my first & second choices (Ivy League, How naive I was to even think it). But even my parents couldn't figure that out, at the time.