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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

My 16 year old daughter is too involved with her boyfriend and will not study.

17 replies

welljell · 04/02/2012 12:54

My d. is bright with high predicted grades but now she has been with a boy for the last 12 months she has just stopped putting any effort in. I get letters from school saying she is behind on coursework and if I approach the subject she just says ' I am trying my best' and gets stressed out and storms off. I do not pressure her and let her see her boyfriend at weekends but i just don't know how to manage her to get her to study. She just digs her heels in. Any advice would be greatfully received.

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 04/02/2012 13:07

Don't let her see her boyfriend at weekends until her coursework is complete?

joanofarchitrave · 04/02/2012 13:10

Is her boyfriend an academic type? Would he study with her, at your kitchen table for example?

If not, then noble's suggestion sounds good?

BigBoobiedBertha · 04/02/2012 13:14

What are the school saying to her? Are they leaving it to you? Could somebody there give her a good talking to?

I would be putting a bit of pressure on personally. If she gets stressed then it is in her power to do something about it i.e. knuckle down and get her work down. At some point she has to take responisiblity for herself. If she is adult enough to have a boyfriend, she is adult enough to realise she needs to work too.

balia · 04/02/2012 13:18

I'd go into the school and find out exactly whar she needs to do and if they have any extra classes after school. Then I'd agree a plan with her - eg if she does 2 hours each night after school (showing you what she has achieved each night) then she can go out at the weekends.

Firmly ignore any tantrums and outbursts and stick to your guns.

However - do have a calm conversation about pressure and how she's feeling. Year 11 is a very stressful time and students do get overwhelmed.

Original poster

welljell · 04/02/2012 13:21

Her boyfriend is a lovely chap but unfortunately has no aspirations in life. He is 17 and has left school and I don't think he encourages her.
Yes I think you're right about the weekends but i know there will be world war 3 in my house as she is so stubborn.
School is holding after school study sessions but I think she sees it as a chance to meet the boyfriend afterwards as we live half an hour away from the schooland she has to catch a later bus much to her delight.
After todays letter I think I will phone school (again) and talk to them. just feel so useless as I don't want her to throw it all away.

OP posts:

Original poster

welljell · 04/02/2012 13:24

Thank you for your messages. Balia,i agree i think I should go into school and it sounds like a good idea to make a plan of action with her. thanks again x

OP posts:

blueemerald · 04/02/2012 15:18

What does she do for money? How does she pay for whatever she does with her boyfriend? I would probably make any finance linked to how much work she does/the grades she gets for that work. Perhaps try and phrase it as a reward system to avoid a defensive stance/us against mum approach from her.

Original poster

welljell · 04/02/2012 16:16

She works once a month but she is not interested in money, she just goes to his house or they come here. I have tried a reward system to help better her grades but she does not care.

OP posts:

mockingjay · 04/02/2012 16:23

Sounds like you'll have to risk the fall out. Who cares if she has a tantrum really? She needs to do her coursework before having fun. Better to learn that sooner rather than later.

She won't appreciate you putting your foot down now, but she will when she looks back, whether or not she stays with this boy.

Asinine · 04/02/2012 16:34

She is sixteen and is ultimately responsible for how much effort she puts into these exams. She may genuinely feel she is doing her best to keep everyone happy. You are not able to control how much she studies and it is stressful and non productive to try. It has to come from her.But the facts are that her school work is slipping. She may be feeling pressure to see the boyfriend too. As her mother you are right to make your feelings known.

If you find it hard to talk to her without her storming off, write her a letter or email including lots about her positive points, and the boyfriends' nice character, how much you love her, but say you care about her future and want her to achieve her academic potential. Ask her how she is going to get up to speed with the school work, offer support eg would she like you to say she can't go out sometimes so that she can 'blame' it on you, or would she rather tell bf that she has to study herself.

Tell her you'd like to talk about her worries and promise to listen without talking until she has finished, or she could write back to you.

Good luck.

mockingjay · 04/02/2012 17:26

Good point that she may feel pulled in all directions trying to keep everyone happy Asinine. Maybe she would secretly welcome being able to tell her boyfriend that she can't see him this weekend because her mum said so?? Easy way out.

redglow · 04/02/2012 20:17

Talk to the boyfriend she will take more notice of him than you. Good luck if you can keep a sixteen year old away from her boyfriend. She will resent and hate you.

RiversideMum · 05/02/2012 08:29

You can't force her to do school work. My parents banned me from going out (at all) before my O levels and I just used to sit in my room doing nothing. Like someone else has said, these exams are your DD's responsibility. She just needs to understand that the better she does now, the more opportunities will be open to her. Does her boyfriend work?

Original poster

welljell · 05/02/2012 15:29

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I have spoken to the boyfriend today and calmly told him how important it is for her to be studying now. He agreed and sounded supportive. I will see what happens now. I have never forced her to study but always tried to encourage her and offer support but she will not take it. The idea of writing a letter sounds good as I will be able to put my thoughts across without her getting upset with me.
Her boyfriend works part time so is at home a lot. He often meets her outside school. When she is not with him she is on the phone to him.

OP posts:

purits · 05/02/2012 17:13

What are you trying to achieve, BTW? Unless she is going for something very competitive where you need staight A* at GCSE, as long as she gets enough to get to the next stage (sixth form and A Levels?) then is that not enough? Not ideal and not what she could have got, but still enough.
Fingers crossed that she matures in sixth form!

purits · 05/02/2012 17:21

I get letters from school saying she is behind on coursework and if I approach the subject she just says ' I am trying my best' and gets stressed out and storms off.

This sounds a bit defensive. Sometimes children get so behind that they don't know how to get themselves out of the hole they have dug for themselves. Sympathy and solutions instead of confrontation?

Abitwobblynow · 09/02/2012 17:08

I got sent a fantastic picture on Facebook.

Some young thing draped around a sad old bastard in a sea.

It said: note to sons: this is why you must study.

Then, the same picture, with: note to sons daughters: this is why you must study.

Good luck, what are your hopes for her? What does she want for herself?

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