Anyone had to deal with this - 13 year old, wet herself

[blameitonthecaffeine]

My Y9 DD fainted in assembly this morning. This isn't unheard of, she is quite ill at the moment. But today, at the same time as passing out, she lost bladder control and completely wet herself. She was soaked and it was obvious to the whole school. According to my charming 11 year old 'the floor was, like, flooded'.

Obviously she is so embarrassed and upset and says she won't go back to the school. She wants me to move her. I'm not going to do that, she's been there since she was 3, they have been very supportive of her illness and I have 3 other DDs at the school.

Has anybody else had a much older child wet themselves? What was the backlash like and were they able to deal with it?

I think the hiding stuff from her is pretty serious to be honest. My mother was a ballerina (think thin), I lived on the edge of anorexia in my 20s. DD tipped in that direction at 12 - we caught it fast and turned it round successfully but we keep no secrets in this family. Not the same for me OP so yes I think there is something in what you say about genetics - there is also a lot in there about straightforwardness, security adn being accepted for who and what you are too though.

Have you all had some counselling?

It's not hidden from her as much as it is just in the past. It's something that I have been completely over for 17 years and is in no way a part of my life anymore. I don't think it would be helpful to either my family or myself to start bringing it up again now. It's only a secret in the same way that my children don't know that dh had a brother who died as a baby or that their grandmother (my mother) once tried to kill herself - unpleasant pieces of family history that bear no relevance to their lives and are no longer a part of ours.

When I was about 17ish I had a recovered anorexic as a counsellor who was very focused on the "I understand, I've been through all this myself" way of working. I don't actually think there's anything more UNhelpful. Every sufferer is different and you don't automatically know what someone's going through because you've dealt with your problems in the same way. It also meant that I couldn't view her as a professional. I saw her as someone who was as weak as I was. I don't think telling my daughter about my own past is going to help her in any way and I believe it could be destructive to her faith in me as someone who can help her.

And yes, we have family therapy as part of dd's treatment - but the focus is on her and helping her, not on teenage problems of mine.

Can I respectfully and gently suggest that the past echoes down to the present and the future- and unpleasant bits of family history rea just asnimportant as pleasant bits? Why shouldn't they know that their father had a brother who died as a baby? That helped to make their dad- and their grandma- the people they are today.

I've got no right to tell youi what to do, of course, or even suggest- but I know from personal experience that family secrets have a habit of resurfacing.

Sorry op but eating disorders don't become 'the past' any more than addictions do. Yes, you can recover, but a ceratin fram eof mind is needed to remain in recovery, so recovery becomes very much a part of the present.

It is a part of who you are. And one you are keeping secret. That must be very hard on all of you.

"bonsoir, how can taking my daughter away from the familiarity of everything she has known since she was 3 years old - a great school, all her close friends, extracurricular teams/clubs she loves, teachers she knows and who care about her - be a good thing?! If she goes somewhere else she will start as the freaky new girl with "issues" and will find it really hard to make friends let alone find a place for herself."

I think you are projecting all sorts of feelings here. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for it to be a good thing to stay in the same school from age 3 until age 18, particularly if all your siblings are there (the fact that she doesn't see them at school is immaterial - the point is that they are all imbued with the same culture). Try putting her in a different culture that isn't familiar and all sorts of positive outcomes are possible.

wordfactory - I do not consider it to be a part of who I am. I have moved on. People can change. We are not the same people at 40 as we are at 20. Out past characteristics do not have to be a part of who we are as mature adults.

bonsoir - yes, it could have a positive outcome. And maybe I am projecting slightly. But I still think it more likely to have a neutral or negative outcome than a positive. Leaving stron, established friendships and trying to make new ones when vulnerable and obviously different sounds like quite a risk to me.

Strong, established friendships can be quite harmful you know!

Bonsoir there's good and bad in everyone - generalisations won't help here I don't think.

Caffeine, you no doubt know all the statistics around anorexia and the risks involved. I can understand that you don't want to rock the boat as dd is reasonably stable but children do pick up on the things that are NOT said as much as the things that are.

I'm sure you've had plenty of blame for her anorexia - parents tend to get the blame don't they. It's not what you need right now. How did it go with the chat/ Mummy time?

spenditwisely - thanks. Yes, had enough blame to last a lifetime. Obviously it must be partly true and I've spent too many nights to count lying awake hating myself about it. But at the same time I know I've done no worse a job that thousands of other parents whose children don't end up with mental health problems. Parenting plays a part but I don't think it's the whole.

The last couple of days have been okay thanks. dd is less upset about it; apprehensive about school tomorrow but ready to say that she was ill and that is that. The doctors appt wasn't great in that her weight has dropped 2 pounds but at least that explains the fainting. She was also made very aware that a) continuing on this road will lead to more potentially embarrassing health mishaps, b) if she loses any more weight at all she won't be allowed to go to dance (her major passion) and c) if she loses another 5 pounds we're looking at hospital again. She was very upset but she doesn't want any of those things to happen and has eaten (and kept down) two proper healthy meals today. We had lunch in a quiet coffee shop and had a girly film afternoon.

caffeine I think you are living my worst nightmare. I hope you get the help you need. A friend of mine had a picky eater and used to try to force her to eat by standing over her nagging. I told her you have to make her want to eat first by enabling her - building up appetite, cooking smells, giving her time etc etc I'm sure you know all the tricks.

But I can't imagine that the doctor's 'threat' of hospital is going to make her go 'oh OK then, I'll start eating again then'. Forgive me for saying so but she needs to know how to eat - not that she has to eat.

I saw a documentary about a residential unit once and thought the way they approach it is barbaric. It's all about forcing - with rules and rewards etc - but didn't seem to tackle the issues behind the anorexia. And to top it all they were being punished by being taken away from their parents - just at the time they need them most.

Please just love her and keep no secrets from her. Secrets and covering up were my downfall as a young woman. My peripheral eating disorder is something I have moved on from, it is also why I didn't marry until turned 30, and it is part of what makes me who I am, as is the fact that my parents hated each other and very sadly the fact that dd and ds1 had a little brother who died as a very little baby. They are all things that make us and the fact that dd recovered quickly is I think because we acknowledged all of ourselves and loved her for everything she is and everything she isn't.

Good luck OP. Please be honest with yourselves - all of you. Problems shared are halved - problems faced up to can be put in the past and recovered from - secrets can't.

Right. I'm going to go and spend quality time with my dd Right Now.

My close friend was anorexic throughout secondary school, and she once fainted in a history class and wet herself. She must have been aged 13-15ish, I can't remember.

I do know however that there wasn't much talk of it apart from in that lesson (when she was with the school nurse) and I don't recall any nastiness - just an "oh, thank god it wasnt me" kind of comments, the undertanding of how shameful and embarrasing it was. Even the school "bullies" didn't really feed out on this, she had a problem and teasing her wouldn't make any difference - however, calling someone else a lesbian would

It was a mixed school though, so I don't know if the comments and gossip about this kind of incident would be different in an all girl's school.

My friend is now 33, a mother of 2 and a healthy size 10. She now eats quickly - something as a child, no-one would ever have expected her to do, and eats all sorts of junk, without any obvious restrictions. She doesn't over diet either, she is just a slim, healthy woman.

A friend of mine wet herself in pe once. She was laughing hysterically having a bounce on the crash mats. We were about 14. I don't think anyone commented on it if I recall correctly. Thankfully was in the pe block so close to changing rooms and showers and the pe teachers' private office smoking room so she was able to borrow lost property and get changed quickly.

spenditwisely - the documentary wasn't on rhodes farm by any chance was it?! Over my dead body will my dd ever end up in there. The whole emphasis is on refeeding them whatever the cost and dealing with the emotional consequences later. I agree with you that threats will never actively solve a problem long term but I do think they can have short term effects - I certainly ate my way out of hospital on a couple of occasions with every intention of losing it all again straght away. After a while I think you just learn that weight can be easily changed and you can use it to manipulate people.

marriedinwhite - I appreciate what you're saying but I just don't see it as secret keeping because it hasn't come up and is no longer relevant to me or us as a family. If she ever asks me if I have ever had an ED I will tell her that yes, I have. It's not a carefully protected secret, it's just something I've never felt the need to mention. I think the two things are different.

crispface - that's the kind of reaction I'm hoping the other children will have had. I think it's more than likely. Actually suspect that in a girls' school it could be even more 'oh thank God it wasn't me' than it would be in mixed where I'd expect there to be some boys who would be more openly mocking (girls bitch harder but more quietly I think!)

pooka - glad your friend managed to be so discreet!

Just wanted to give a quick update - dd went off to school feeling ok this morning and seems to have been fine. She says a couple of girls asked her if she was feeling better but other than that nobody mentioned it.

At this point I don't really care whether that was due to dire threats from the teachers or because they realised for themselves how embarrassing and upsetting it must have been I'm just grateful it all seems to be ok.

Am glad. Hope everything works out OK for you.

Very glad to hear that she went to school OK today and that there was no fallout. I expect if this had happened to a girl in dd1's class dd1 would have been goggle eyed about it when she came home then very kind about it over the next day or so, then would have completely forgotten about it by day 5!

My 13 year old step daughter wets herself on a regular basis, took her to the doctors and he says theres nothing wrong he puts it down to laziness, and after trying to figure it out for 6 years turns out she simply cant be bothered to go to the toilet and wets herself everyday....anyone elses child do this?? Feel like we're the only parents with issues like this!

get a second opinion.
i can't believe a 13 year old girl would regularly wet herself through laziness.

I think you need to ask for referral to a specialist urologist

ZOMBIE ALERT

stressy
you do realise this thread is 5 years old? if you want to discuss anorexia you might be wiser to start your own thread.

If the OP is still around I hope all your girls are safe , and more importantly well.

sorry Stressy, see you weren't the first to dig this one up!

Ashlea same advice, start a new thread , I'm sure people will be able to offer support and advice.