At what point do you say enough this cant be resolved? (settling in year 7)

[Lonnie]

dd2 started secondary school in September 2011 she chose to not go to the school dd1 was in dh and I supported this choice as her reasoning was sound plus we didn't feel the school was ideal for her though dd1 is very happy there.

She has not settled at all. I have twice had to involve head of year as she was deeply unhappy and not making friends. Once the SENCO from the (small - 100 ) primary school she came from phoned for us to see if she could aid in anyway. DD2 is very dyslexic and is managing so well with her studies I cant for a moment think it is the teachers. In fact the teachers have said when I have spoken to them that she is a lovely student interested and tries so very hard.

She is a large girl not as in overweight (her BMI is in normal zone but definitely in the higher end) She is very tall (5 foot 6 already) broadly build (takes after me) and this compared to many other girls that age makes her appear.. well overweight. She has also had a very bad spot break out (we are managing this) I suspect this has to do with her issues. I call it low level bullying dh says it is "mild teasing" I pointed out to him that if his co workers were daily telling him he was disgusting and horrible to look at he had a tribunal case so this was bullying not teasing. She has since November struggled with a cough and cold that she simply cant shake so is constantly having to wipe her nose (uses tissues) this obviously we cant do much about either (has clear from doctor) But is likely contributing to her issues.

Today she came home and burst into tears when asked her what is wrong. She is usually a fairly happy person but since September we haven't seen much of that side of her. dd1 (who she shares a bedroom with) tells me every evening dd2 goes to bed saying she hates her life and no one outside her family likes her.
each time I have tried speaking to the head of year it takes up to a week to get through to her as she only phones about 3 . 30 - 3 45 (even though I have asked to not be called then I am on school run) I find it improves for a little while immediately after they set up a circle of friends with other girls that are also struggling However as they are not in same form as her she is often unable to continue to meet up with these girls. It was her birthday last week and on being asked if she wanted to invite any she didn't wish to see any from her school. In the end we took friend from primary school out for lunch. (friend is in Church assisted school dh and I are not COE and this school relies on church involvement we do not have this dh is agnostic and I am not a church goer and lutherean protestant not COE - hence this school was not considered as it is over subscribed as it is)

I am at a loss as to what to do. dd2 is asking for us to take her out of school says she hates it. She is clearly very unhappy and I do not know how to proceed for the best.

I know I need to call head of year again but I am beginning to ask if this is worth it since the pastoral care doesn't seem to continue once I am not on top of them with it. I do not know if we can get her into any other secondary schools in our area (we live on border with 2 other counties so have a fair few options) On top of this we are happy with the teaching of the school and dd2 likes her teachers and is really working very well academically

This is long I'm sorry Just really at a loss now.

Change schools. I was miserable at secondary school and I wish my mum had had the resources to move me (not talking about money necessarily, but none of the other local schools were any better!).

The problem is that once the social hierarchy has been established, it's almost impossible to change your place in it, even if you yourself have changed loads (again, not saying your DD needs to change, just speaking from personal experience). A fresh start might be perfect, as long as you trust the new school.

Poor little girl, are you getting support from the Senco at the new school?

I would de-reg her from school if at all possible, and home educate for a while. Sort out her issues and then when she feels ready then go back into a school you are all happy with.

May not be possible if you are working etc, but i would not recommend going straight from one school directly into another without gettting to the real route of what is going on. Plus you need to rebuild her confidence before she goes in.

Poor little thing, i hope things improve

goodness, excuse my spellings.

new laptop

we changed school in this sort of situation, much happier child as a result. I would suggest you speak to admissions secretary at other local schools she likes and explain your daughter is being bullied and starting to refuse school. They can normally tell if it a genuine case and whilst can't bend rules will be more forthcoming about what you can do. You also need to put your concerns in writing to current school so that you have evidence of trying to fix this in event you need to appeal.

Thank you everyone..

Senco is involved only with her dyslexia. Not in pastoral care.

It is a good point to put it into writing I had not considered this.

Homeschooling is not an option. She and I would just not work enough and she would fall even further behind. (her interests are similar to mine so she would excell in art and nothing else laughs) I am not displined enough to do so and I know I am a terrible teacher to children.

having spend the evening talking with her and with dh. We will contact the head of year again but will also contact other local schools to see if we can get to move her.

Contact the CoE school her friend is at. If you would be OK with her in a church school that is. Go meet with the head, say why you didn't apply but explain about the birthday and ask if there is a place / any possibility of her attending. I went to an RC girls school but we had a girl suddenly appear in what was then fourth year due to issues at her old school. I don't think she had ever been to any church in her life.

I agree with take her out of school - even if she learns nothing but art for a while she will be happy, she will be more able to learn once she is happy. She sounds similar to me in secondary - it will not get any better, get her out of that enviroment ASAP.

Would she do better at the school dd1 is at?

Although I am very pro-HE it doesn't sound like the right choice to me in this case. If it did come to that though, you might be surprised what it is actually like and that you could manage it pretty well. You could always go on the home ed board if you were interested.

But like the others I'd say change schools. What was the reason for not wanting to attend with DD1? It would be such a shame for an interested, focused girl to have her education spoilt by bullies, and this school doesn't seem to be doing enough. I hope you find somewhere else :)

I am so sorry your dd is going through this. My dd (same age, similar appearance!) had a horrible first term of year 7, crying herself to sleep, no new friends despite trying her hardest and I was seriously thinking of pulling her out for a while and teaching her at home and just try to get her confidence back as it was at an all time low. She really seemed to have lost her spirit over one term. Towards the end of last term she asked if she could move class to another one. She had noticed most of the pupils in one class inparticular were friendly and kind and so I went into school and asked if this was possible stating how unhappy she was and how the name-calling from her classmates was affecting her. Her form tutor agreed the other class was really lovely and she was particuarly unlucky to be in the class she was in as they were pretty horrible. They moved her within 3 days after repeated follow-up phone calls from me that I wanted it done asap (dont be afraid to be a pest, if your daughter is that unhappy they have a duty to help her) and two weeks into this new term she is already so much happier, making new friends, laughing again. She still sees some of the horrible kids from her old class at break time but has the strength to ignore them because they are not there all of the time.
Could you try asking your dd's head of year to identify a nicer class for her to move into and just give it one last shot?
If not or if that fails, and I am still monitoring how my daughter is feeling on a daily basis for now, then please do not hesitate to pull her out and start afresh somewhere new. I am also trying to boost her confidence, helping her keep up a clean skin regime and keep in touch with her old primary friends. Its so hard for them at that age (and just as hard for us!). I wish you both luck and a big hug for your lovely dd.

Thank you everyone.

The school dd1 is in is heavily oversubscribed and whilst dd1 is thriving and happy it does have a bullying problem. It is my one issue with the school that they do not deal well with this (we are thankful that dd1 hasn't had to deal with this) The school is rather academic and not particular focused on the art subjects this is dd2's main forte and the reason for us picking the school she is in. (that excels in art) Whilst if we placed her on waiting list for the school dd1 is in she would go up high I do not think it would be a good school for her to go to.

I am researching another school in (another) county I have a friend with a dd there who is happy with it. I am unaware if they have current availability but you an but ask. I have already asked about getting her moved to a different form in current school and got told that is set they do not change so it is not a possibility.

Hi Lonnie.

Don't rule out school's that are over subscribed - school we moved to was over subscribed so we appealed and won. It helped the appeal to have evidence we had tried everything with previous school and this had failed, hence suggestion re putting things in writing.

You have my sympathy. We are going thru something similar with ds, 11. He was so excited about starting secondary school but now he hates it . The teaching is fantastic and he has shown real signs of improvement academically (he was a very low-achiever in primary) however, there is a small number of really unpleasant children who are picking on ds. (I recently posted about an incident in the school pool but there have been numerous incidents). The problem is we have nowhere else to send him unless we move house. Secondary schools here are rubbish unless grammar or Indie (ds school is independent). If we move house we have to move 2 dds out of their school too and relocated dhs office (he is self-employed but rents premises). So we really do not want to change ds school cos it will be v complicated. But unless things improve we will have to.

HI So sorry about this we had a similar thing at the beginning of the year with my dd. We were on it like hot cakes and didn't get off the year head until my dd was happy again. Persistance is the only way. It was quite horrible bullying from a group of girls.

Basicallly they were given detention and then again given detention my dd didn't want to go into school and we told her that one of three things would happen. They would carry on getting detention because they were bulllying her and it would escalate, and we would support her every step of the way and the school would as well. They would start to ignore her and leave her alone so she would be able to start making new friends, or they would appologise to her. She was crying and didn't want to go to school as they were shouting at her because they were getting detentions my dd was terrified and didn't want to go to school. We made her go and that day the girl appologised. I think the deputy head spoke to them. Now she is actually friends with them, not the ideal friendship group but hey ho. At least a happy end to the bullying.

My advice keep on and on at the year head, we would fire off email every time there was a problem as we knew we had to nip it in the bud very early on or it would get out of hand completely.

What a tricky situation.I really think you should give the current school more chance, she has only been there a term it is very early days.It takles very many children a lor longer than that to settle in.I don't think their behaviour has had a chance to become entrenched yet, and so can still change. To be brutal I don't think changing school will help she'll still be tall -and still be a target!! I'd give it a bit longer before you cut your losses.
Keep on the school's back. Is she involved with extra curricular activities/clubs atr lunch time etc, where she can meet kids with similar interests?
Can you help her think of witty comments about her height , to take away their power.

I wouldn't allow her to leave yet, she has only been there a term, and the first term is probably one of the hardest. It's when everyone is fighting for their place and sussing each other out, so I think some children end up being bullied by others who are just desperate to bond over something. Even if that something is being horrible to someone else.

I would keep on at the school, and maybe see if she can change classes.

Have the bullies been dealt with in any way? Surely they should have been spoken to? I wouldn't expect the school to tell you what they have done, but I would expect reassurance that the bullies were being dealt with.

If it would help you and her to feel better, you could start researching the other options. It might help your dd to know that you are seriously considering her request and that you are doing what you can. Just knowing that can sometimes make it easier to cope.

Saying that, I do think it's too early to move her. She could end up with the same problem at a new school and then not even have hope that she could go somewhere else.

Does the school have any clubs or anything that she could go to at lunchtimes so she's not alone?