It was all going so well ..

[mumsneedwine]

So year 7 had got off to a great start. My shy dd had settled well & seemed to have made new friends. She had her best friend from primary in tutor group and they had made friends with another girl, which is where it's a gone a bit wrong. Best friend has become closer to new friend, who seems intent on shoving my dd out the way. Poor kid is trying to stay positive, but no other friends yet in tutor group. The other 2 now speed walk off between lessons, leave her out of groups and it's getting worse this week. I know there is little I can do to help, and hope this forces her to make new friends, but my heart still breaks for her. I don't know why I'm posting really except to get it off my chest. I went and had bedtime snuggle with her last night as she was so upset.

i feel for you, dd1 just started high school and she ended up in a three way friendship and in class when they had to get into pair she was always on her own, lunch was spent as the odd one out and she isnt the most confident of girls, eventually she did make new friends but not without may nights of tears, in her school they have "buddies" who are older kids who volunteer to help the new ones (i think they are about 14/15) and she found speaking to them helpful and they introduced her to some after school clubs where she did make new friends, we invited friends she knew at primary school to tea to keep in contact with them and slowly she is coming round and enjoying school again sadly i have realised that when girls especially start high school they change dramatically and can be quite nasty, so keep talking to her so you know exactly wheats going on

Thank you. It's going to be a bumpy term and they have a weeks residential coming up soon. Could be great for making new friends or horrid feeling left out. I'm going to make sure we keep talking, even if it's about rubbish, just do she knows I'm here. Will ask about buddy system, although doubt she would use it - never wants to make a fuss or say bad things about someone else. I told her to tell her 'best friend' how she feels but she just can't. Thanks for support & glad to hear your dd is feeling better.

Does she do anything outside of school, preferably with a totally different group of friends? If not try to get her to do something: Guides, First aid, Singing, Sport of any type, Drama, Horse Riding - just something so she can have some friends totally separate from school. It kept me sane at this age, and helps my DD massively.

could you email/phone her tutor (after school) and voice your concerns? This happened to my dd in year7 too and things only improved once i cajoled her very lazy tutor who was well aware of the situation for quite awhile and had not acted on it into action. He got a few teachers to put my dd next to girls they thought she would gel with when they "revised seating plans " (so my dd and the others would not know it was engineered)and now she has a good friendship group of about 5 girls. I don't think things would have changed if I'd not pushed and followed up.

Good luck, I understand how heart breaking it can be.

Thanks, and yes she does loads outside school and has made some friends from this - sure it's going to be a lifeline now as she doesn't have so much time to think about it. She is so shy and scared of rejection that she won't ask people to come round or go shopping - easy when she was younger as I could do it for her, but feel it must come from her now. Sure if she'd just put herself out there a bit she would make stronger friends as she is very loyal and never bitches or joins in any negative stuff. It's so hard to watch as she wants to be popular and cool but is too timid to be. Have drafted an email to her tutor which I'll sit on til end of week - just letting him know so he can maybe steer her towards different kids she might not be brave enough to talk to. She just wants to be included in the day to day stuff at school and not be made to feel they don't like her anymore. Better get back to work - to take my mind off it !!

Oh and thank you all so much for replying. I feel less alone and so hopefully can be better support to dd. This parenting thing doesn't get any easier

OP, I could have written this post myself a few years ago, my dd is now in year 10. It all got very nasty in our case with threats on myspace, we had to contact the other parents and the school were involved. It took quite a few months but dd's best friend did eventually come back and the 3rd girl went off to cause similar havoc amongst others.

I understand how terribly upset you feel and your daughter, its heartbreaking. The thing with secondary school is that there are so many potential friends and they often don't settle into a group for about 3 years. That's not to say they don't make good friends before then but they do change a bit. People drop in and out of groups as classes are switched and they grow up at different rates. Some are allowed far more freedom than others which splits groups too. It's really early still and I'm sure your dd will find a group, or perhaps several where she will be very happy. All the friendships are by no means solid yet and they seem to be always open to a new friend if they are genuinely nice girls.

Trying to be with the 'populars' is not necessarily the route to happiness. Better to join some clubs and meet like minded people. I hope things improve very soon.

Thank you all. Have just read your messages and having a little weep. It's so hard growing up & I hope she finds some good friends over the next few years. At least she has told me about it and we can support her. Right, need to pull myself together before go and get younger dd - good cry now gets it out of system before kids see me. Just want to go to school and give her the biggest hug ever and never let her go.