Y8 'bullying'. WWYD?

[ProperLush]

DS1 is small for his age and lacks confidence.

He's been a bit 'down' for a couple of days, hatching a cold and just out of sorts. This morning he (unusually) climbed into bed with me and burst into tears, telling me he's being bullied at school.

I have gently 'interviewed' him and it seems there's a bigger boy who 'when he's in a bad mood' punches DS on the arm. This can happen a couple of times a lesson (and unfortunately the school are 'big' on keeping the tutor together at all times so DS is in the same class as this boy, if not next to him, all the time!). DS says he has punched back but this bigger boy just retaliates harder. He apparently does it when there are fewer kids around to witness and DS isn't his only victim. Apparently he's been doing it since near the start of Y7 but DS feels it's escalating.

I've told DS he must say loudly and clearly 'Stop doing that, you're hurting me and I'm fed up with you always punching me' so as to draw attention to the behaviour and to send a clear 'warning' to the other boys; and to ask his friends (not a very tight knit group) to take notice and also tell the bully to stop.

I am also considering calling his tutor to discuss it. DS is naturally worried that this will escalate the problem but though the school isn't very 'parent friendly' in that we can't contact any teacher directly (I never actually SAW his Y7 tutor, for instance!) I think and hope they will act sensibly. As much as anything I a) want to make the teacher aware 'there's a problem' and b) start the process at an appropriate level, ie I won't be marching in demanding to see their anti-bullying policy, writing to the Head and governors, or involving my MP and the local press at this stage!

Is this WYWD too?

Most definitely get in touch with his tutor and advise there is a problem, the school can't do anything about it if they don't know it's happening. My friends son has been in the same position recently and finally burst and got into a fight with hitting boy and ended up in ALE for a day although the school has been understanding.

Set it out factually and in writing and keep a copy. It can be a light and pleasant letter but it needs to state what has been happening and how upset your ds has been. Include a sentence about how concerned you are that it may affect your ds's achievements this year and in the futre. Ask the school to provide you with advice about how to help your son deal with the unwanted attention from the other boy which is upsetting and which you perceive to be bullying. Actually, I would ask for the anti-bullying policy.

MY son was bullied in year 6

First I would right down your sons account of what whent on you need names dates and times if possible

Get a hold of the schools bullying policy before you speak to tutor so your ready

After you spoken to her make sure you get clear time scales in terms of when things will happen also make SURE yu follow up what you talked about via email Also make sure you follow up if she dose not get back to you what sanctions the children faced

If things get left people tend to deny things were said and agreed hard to do when yu have email of proof

Good luck I know how distressing this can be my lad was so low he wanted to kill himself

Just ring the school, teachers want children to feel safe but cannot act until it is reported. I get totally fed up with parents who tell me something has been going on for years and they knew. Teachers do the job they do because they value children but we can't help if we are kept out of the loop.

Ilovegeorgeclooney you make an interesting piont that teachers cannot act until poor behaviour/incidents are reported. They are in classrooms with 30 children - they see the disruption, they hear the jibes, they feel the atmosphere - can they not tell there are problems and not deal with them before they escalate and other children are hurt physically or emotionally. Can they not use a little initiative and common sense to head of problems before they spiral?

Schools appreciate notification in writing about this type of situation.

But married the bullies don't hit their victim when the teacher is looking. It is very hard at senior school level to find out what is going on unless parents or students speak up.

This sort of thing happens when the teacher is talking to an individual student or it happens at the start or end of the lesson when the teacher is organising things or is writing on the board with their back to the class. Or it happens at the lockers or in the corridor...

Teachers are on the lookout for bullying/nastiness/bad behaviour but we do not have eyes in the back of our heads.

OP please contact the school.

Thanks, everybody.

I did phone the school Reception to ask if one of his two tutors could call me back, and she was very helpful, but I did tell her I'd be hard to contact for a day or two (I'm a HCP and our CT and MRI scanners burnt down last Friday so we are operating out of trucks and the world and his dog are phoning us constantly!)- so I didn't hear back at all.

Interestingly, when I told DS that I'd made initial contact with the school, he was happy that I'd acted but is pleased it's now the Xmas hols so we can tackle it anew in January.

You make sure if you are gonna tackle this they can get hold of you sorry but you might need to put this above you work

I took the whole week off work to sort my sons bullying out to attend meetings and receive phone calls

*empirestateofmind I'm coming back to this because aren't the worst bullies usually the ones who cause the greatest disruption in lessons? Shouldn't there be greater consequences for disrupting classes and damaging the education of the majority? Don't you think that if those who disrupted were dealt with and referred quickly to pupil referral units, the experience of the majority would improve significantly. This is exactly why we shifted our daughter out of the state system (outstanding school). The girls who were disrupting lessons were the same girls who were causing the trouble outside the classroom. Our dd wasn't bullied because she's naturally circumspect and avoided it but she saw it happen to others and shared some of the same their stress.

The head denied there were problems and staff were clearly turning a blind eye. If I could pin point the the problem I don't understand why the school was in denial. They have lost their best and most conscientious pupils and have retained the badly behaved, the idle and the cruel. Why should good schools have to keep these animals within their walls? They don't want to be there, the majority of children don't want them there, I'm quite sure the majority of staff don't want them there either.

No bullies are not necessarily the most disruptive. And if you make the mistake of assuming that they are, you will certainly miss problems like this even more frequently.

OP, I had a similar situation in my tutor group. The boy doing the, in this case, pinching was quiet, the boy who wad being pinched was embarassed. His mum let us know. The pincher was given a fixed term exclusion. We talked in tutor time about what constitutes bullying and what we do about it. It has resolved.

theFallenMadonna . That sounds like good management. Had there been good or any management at dd's school she might have stayed there. I didn't say a quiet child couldn't be a bully but I do think at least at the school my dd was at, the staff swept a lot of things under the carpet rather than accepting there were significant problems and dealing with them in a robust manner,

No maypole- sometimes things don't just fall into place. I can't always put family things above work. One has to prioritise, balancing the magnitude of each situation against the other. If the teacher can't reach me on day one or even two of my initial contact, bearing in mind we are talking the very end of term (so there IS no Day 3!) and that DS is already happier that he's shared it and knows I am looking into it (and has 2 weeks to forget about it, having not mentioned it again)- I have to prioritise my attending work where, to put it bluntly, in the crisis we are in (see above, huge hospital fire), I have to put work first because if I don't, and excuse the drama but it's actually true, people might die.

I am going to revisit this the day DS1 returns to school as I can't do much before this, can I?

The idea that all disruptive pupils should be sent to PRUs is pie in the sky, and not really very helpful. Schools/LAs can't afford that. It is incredibly costly. And although it would probably help the majority in the classes, it would be quite damaging to the ones who had to leave. I'm sure most pupils and staff would prefer this, but it simply isn't possible. So, what should we do? It's all very well claiming that teachers are turning a blind eye, but what do you expect them to do?

The ones who would have to leave are creating incalculable damage for the good ones. I really don't see how more prus would be a diseconomy. Why should the ones who have to leave be allowed to damage the ones who are staying. What exactly entitles them to do that? If there were serious potential consequences for the disinterested minority perhaps it would benefit half of them by helping them to behave better for the sake of the majority.

I expect teachers to deal with bad behaviour and to spend as much time agitating for more resources to deal with it as they do whining over their pensions which remain the most generous in the UK. I expect them to start demonstrating that they care for the majority if they wish to have enhanced benefits and to be respected as the professionals that so many of them are or would like to be.

Grrrrrr.

You must:-

1. Keep a diary of the incidents and record everything that happens date and time and what was said.
2. Tell the school about the problems. Write to the teacher. It needn?t be long and rambling just short and to the point. ?I am very disappointed to find that ? My son is very unhappy at school because ??
3. After a week, check with the school to see what has been done. Ask them what progress has been made regarding these problems.
4. If you are not happy that the problems are being addressed then take it up with the Head. Ask what progress has been made regarding the problems.
5. You may choose to approach one of the Governors about the problems ?I?m concerned about ? I want to make sure that I?m going about this in the right way?. The Governors should just check that the correct procedures are been followed.
6. How the school addresses parental concerns is a measure of how good the school is.

Maybe use the holidays and fact that you didn't manage to speak to a Tutor to drop the school an e-mail outlining the issue.

That way you have got something in writing, and when they do ring you back they can tell you what they will be doing to address the problem.

I would phone the police, this is assault and if the school aren't at least prepared to interview your son and act then I would take the matter out of their hands.

i too have a DS1 who is small for his age and quiet, he was a target for bullies particularly on starting year 7 and it was quite heavy going for the first few terms. Things I learnt a) try to keep calm, esp infront of DS, if they see you 'losing it' they think it will probably make things worse for them. b) talk about the issue without pressing things too much, gently questioning as you applied is better than third degree.c) suggest ways to avoid the bullys eg. try to ingnore if poss and not calling names back as this can just provoke things. d) plain speak is best as you said, simply tell them to stop it in as firm as voice as they can muster. As regards the school, you need to talk to someone directly, preferably the teacher who has the most responsibility for your child or the 'pastoral' team. I took the approach of zero tolerance in that I said if my child was the one bullying then I would expect the school to contact me straight away for it to be sorted...the more they get away with it the more they carry on. Also, don't be fobbed off, if things aren't improving keep phoning! i was at the point of arranging to see the Head (I wouldn't settle for form teacher, Head Teachers earn a good wage so make them earn it!) when things began to settle. Also, do write a letter as it's always best to have things in writing and acts as a diary. I told my DS that the bullies were probably doing it because they were jealous of him and they have a low opinion of themselves, not sure if he believed me! Hope things sort out soon for your DS.