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Secondary education

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Original poster

My daughter is having trouble making friends

14 replies

fluffycauliflower · 22/11/2011 15:10

My daughter is now in year 8, she seemed ok last year. This year she has started to be teased, a close friend from primary school who was in her class has joined a different friendship group, and my daughter said that she is alone for much of the day without anyone to talk to, she has a friend from another class she sits with for lunch. She cries sometimes before school and does not want to go.

Before this she was happy, loved school and always wanted to join everything, she had a lovely group of friends at primary school, but hasn't kept in touch with them much despite me telling her to call them. I have been to the school and the head of year spoke to her, but my daughter doesn't want to talk to her again.

She's started to be quiet and miserable and it seems to be self perpetuating -being miserable is not conducive to making friends. She is not very into popular culture - refuses to watch x factor, which is the kind of thing she is being teased about.

She does a few activties out of school which she enjoys, but she has no great friends there.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm really worried about her. I wonder about moving her to a private all girls school where the kids might be more like her. She is very studious, but the kids in her class are not.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 22/11/2011 15:13

I don't know her or enough about it to suggest if you should move her or not, all I can say is that both my dc were much much happier when I moved them to a school with (mostly) similar and like-minded kids.

A private school doesn't guarantee anything, though. Check it out carefully.

maraisfrance · 22/11/2011 15:29

Tricky. Very sorry to hear your daughter is suffering loss of confidence and friendships. I wouldn't rule out moving her - I know I would have appreciated my parents talking sensibly and non-hysterically to me about that option, and taking me to see other schools at a similar age. It's reassuring at least to know that there are choices beyond the world at school that you are currently experiencing, and that it is possible to make a fresh start. Perhaps you could investigate a move, and really involve her in the decision? Good luck

Silverstreet · 22/11/2011 22:46

Are her primary friends at a different school, or just in different classes?

I would also be wary of private girls school - all girls together can sometimes be a very nasty bitchy environment. Plus private schools can often have much smaller year groups so may have more limited friendship choices. So worth checking out all the options.

I would investigate maximising the out of school activities to boost her confidence more if she enjoys these, it doesn't matter if she has no close friends at them, at least they are doing her good in that she enjoys them and she is not reduced to tears by the children there.

Plus look at other options at other schools, especially if she has some friends at these.

Also finds out how the current school streams in subjects - if they have not introduced this for all subjects yet things may improve when she is grouped with children of similar abilities as her (hopefully the ones picking on her will not be in her sets?). Or is there an option to move class if things are not going to improve in her current class?

Original poster
fluffycauliflower · 23/11/2011 14:15

Thanks for your helpful comments. I just wish we could find a way to make her happy again. silverstreet there may be an option to move her to a higher stream, we have discussed this. Her friends from primary are at different schools, one moved to Devon.

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Earlybird · 24/11/2011 02:28

Are you friendly with any of the Mums from her group of primary school friends? What if you invited a Mother/daughter over for lunch, or planned an activity? Might help her reconnect with a friend from a different circle.

Original poster
fluffycauliflower · 25/11/2011 09:12

Thanks for the link to the previous thread it was interesting to see so many people advocating moving an unhappy child. My husband is not keen on the idea of moving her, but he works long hours and he is not the one who sits and comforts her when she is crying or hears 'I don't want to go to school today can't I stay home with you, I'll be very quiet' which is what she said today (it's my day off).

Thanks for your suggestion early bird.

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Original poster
fluffycauliflower · 29/11/2011 12:31

She always was a bit shy, but it wasn't noticeable at primary school as she had some great friends. She's suddenly finding it hard to make friends and is withdrawing into herself. She's really unassertive too.

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cavegirl123 · 29/11/2011 14:56

hi i hope this helps
my daughter started a different comp to her friends thinking it would be a better choice for education(wow haha very mature i thought) when she started she imediatly started getting bullied first by one boy then 3,4 until it was eight. on the first instance with the first boy i phoned the school, they sorted it but he then bullied others so the school threatened to remove him. i thought that was the end of it until we had a conversation a couple of weeks later and a few other things proped up with other boys so i phoned the school and made sure i knew the schools actions. i told shadae from now on she tell me everything they said or did no mater how small and to be brave and i contacted the shool everytime. facebook fabalous for finding childrens family members to write to. first search for names, other children in the class, people with the same name and look down there friends list, when you find the children causing the problem look in there friends list for family members i would not suggest going to the children about the problem then write a very nice msg to the parents. sometimes you get a nice reply sometimes you dont but still express your concerns and the problems it is causing for your child. this worked wanders for me because the main boy the others were following got grounded for the forseable future his games took off him and was not allowed to his football tournament he also went to school the next day and apologised to my daughter. this method also worked with a girl that was bullying my daughter that i did not realise about as i kept asking her if she has had any more problems from the boys. the key is communication and no matter how small one comment might seem report it because mental abuse and physical even for a small can have a long term effect. my daughter says she only has a few good friends at school because of the way some of the other girls attitudes are an d so i tell her a few very good friends is all she needs rather than lots of friends she cant trust or who cause problems and she will make many new and good friends throughout her life. also birthday sleepovers with about 6-8 friends crambed in a room having a girly night defo brings them together but you wouldnt get any sleep haha

cavegirl123 · 29/11/2011 15:01

hi again also your daughters school might have a counsellor and an anti bullying counsellor if your daughter does not want to talk to the head. they are very good my daughter used to see one in the junior school because of her dad not playing his role :0)

ExitPursuedByaBear · 29/11/2011 15:09

Echo the previous comments re private schools. My DD (Y7) is at an independent but the intake this year was very low so there are only two small classes. Can lead to real polarisation of the different personalities and the friendship pool is limited.

(There is lots of girly bitichiness but not sure this is restricted to independent schools).

Your poor DD. At least she is talking to you.

cavegirl123 · 29/11/2011 15:18

sorry me again i forgot to say that now my daughter is very happy in school and is no longer being bullied :0)

cavegirl123 · 01/12/2011 23:10

hi i dont know if your still following this spead but i just remembered you said your child was shy, so was mine so i put her in karate and and at one time dancing for a while and her confidence grew amazingly also my sister who is a yr older than my daughter was having trouble fitting in going into class quietly so i said to her to bounce in saying hi how was your wkd ........ ect giving her conversational starters and now she is doing fine dont know it that helps or not :0)

Original poster
fluffycauliflower · 02/12/2011 09:05

Thanks Cavegirl for all your advice. I'm not really sure how much it is that she is being bullied, or how much that she is just really sensitive to things people say and also just won't stand up for herself at all. Once in PE she was paired with a girl to kick a football with, she said that the girl kept kicking the ball miles wide and expected my daughter to go and get it, which my daughter did, after a while she realised she was doing it deliberately, but could not think of anyway to deal with it. She tried kicking it wide herself, but the girl then said 'you have to get and get that' which my daughter did. Whenshe told me this story my middle child piped up, I would have just sat down if someone was doing that to me. My daughter does not want to do stuff like that as she does not want to be told off - my middle child often gets told off for standing up for herself.

I don't know how to advise her because you do get told off for standing up for yourself - maybe she needs to change and no care about that? She also doesn' want to be a tell tale.

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