My 14 year old daughter has changed from confident to reclusive in Y8/9

[bilibob]

I am at my wits end regarding subtle bullying in the form of total exclusion of my daughter. Lots of friends through primary, unpleasantness through Y7 & 8 and now in Y9 I predict she will soon start refusing to go to school. If being excluded completely from all social plans is bullying then that's what this is. Pairing up in lessons is excruciating - why do teachers persist in this? Last term she was at another girl's house who logged onto a vile website and proceeded to "interact" with a series of men via webcam. My daughter hid under the table in complete horror and told me the minute I picked her up. I thought about it for a week and then contacted the police for advice.The subsequent police interest resluted in my daughter becoming even more of a pariah. They move into her place on the school bus and laugh when she has nowhere to sit.... it's never ending.

God I feel you you, its what we want to do, isn't it? Give our children the very best.

I agree with everyone in that I think this is fairly typical of all girls together and have also heard stories about self harming and anorexia. What a hell!

there must be options better than this current school? Independant Co-ed ones? Maybe if you post a new thread asking for advice about all the different schools in the area, you may find a solution you'd not considered from other's experiences.

I agree that your DD's confidence will be shot to pieces and starting somewhere new would be hard....but the relief for her of getting away from this school would help enormously.

You can appeal at anytime, ask the admissions gurus (Admissions etc.). If you have a record of the bullying, and have taken any of her anxiety to the GP it will help in your appeal. Schools which are fulll will not say they can take an extra pupil, but may well have one after appeal, and normally do very well by them.
I would be very careful about which school you try for, as a girl from DD1's primary has just moved to her senior school because of bullying, this girl was previously at a mixed one (which I had predicted she would be bullied at, but her mother wasn't listening to anyone).
Not all mixed schools are better. In fact friends of mine moved their daughter from a mixed school to an all girls one, which helped with her issues.

But a school which is not top of the league tables, but does well by its small top set might be suitable for your daughter, so do look carefully at them.

I also know of children move into all kinds of "full" schools outside the normal admissions raounds.

Move.

Seriously, it sounds so destructive. Do the schools which have 'problems' have as many problems as your daughter's school? In an all-girls bitchy school, if you don't absolutely fit in, you absolutely destroy yourself and the evidence of eating disorders etc. suggests that this is a big problem. In my experience it only gets worse throughout GCSE.

I now work in a 'problem school' where, yeah, it is low achieving, majority of students ethnic minority and EAL etc. One of the problems we don't have is eating disorders or serious female friendship fights.

could the school with 'problems' do, if you also employed a tutor??

I am so sorry your dd is going through all this. IMHO Co-ed schools are far better socially than single sex schools. The girls tone down the boys' testesterone and the boys don't let the girls get a way with the B.....ness.

Move. We moved one of our kids at the end of y9 from one private school to another. Not bullying but the situation had become untenable.
Yes there is always the worry that why do they have spaces, but tbh most private schools will make a space if you make a good case. I would suggest co-ed for your daughter.
It has been the making of my son - we moved him to an allegedly much less prestigious, much smaller school. He likes being known and recognised and has really flourished - he was failing academically, behaviourally and in all sorts of ways. Got 6*, 2As and a B at GCSE, and appears to be making a success of y12. The school allocated a couple of lads to look after him and i won't deny the first couple of weeks were hard for him but he knew how awful it had been at his previous school so was prepared to try and make a go of it.

What does your dd want to do? Would she like to move?

Has she not got any friends? I found the best way to get the bullies to leave you alone is to find a mate and to stick together, its when you are on your own your f*ed! Bitchiness at that age is terrible at any school and I imagine at an all girls private school it will go to a whole new level

Talk to some of the local schools and find out if they could take her so at least you know if it is an option, take your dd round to have a look and keep talking to her, its when she stops telling you stuff that you need to be really worried.

We moved DD at the start of year 10 for similar reasons. Best thing we ever did. No problems fitting in with GCSEs or socially. We have our lovely girl back

Move her to a different school now or homeschool her until a place becomes avaliable.

I went to an independent all girls school since the age of seven and I was bullied about being a lesbian in year 9 even though I wasn't.My parents knew I wasn't happy but thought I should just ignore them as the school was academic,but it wasn't that simple.Staying there until i finally left in year 11, did nothing but destory my self esteem.I couldn't cope and was very depressed.Which manifested into self harming and this did have an impact on my gcse grades which were'nt terrible per se (4A's 7 B's 1C) but not what was my true potential as I was predicted all A*'s and A's. As a result I thought for a long time that I wan't worth anything and this did impact my thinking for a while.

I don't understand why any parent persists in continuing to send an unhappy child into an environment where they are bullied.

I would say you phone your daughter is sick tomorrow and quote the reason as bullying related stress. You set out your concerns in writing and request an action plan to deal with it within five working days. In the meantime, ring around a few schools and identify some options so you go in forearmed.

If you are in SW London pm me; we moved dd at the end of Y8 because of behavioural issues and the transformation has been breathtaking.

bilibob, I don't want your OP to be diverted to a private/state debate but as a teacher in the state system do you think the private sector deals with bullying softly? I only have experience with the private sector, my DCs have only been in a prep school so far. I have friends with DCs in a comp but they don't seem to have any problems. Yet I hear a lot of unresolved bullying problems in the private system....I don't want to jump to conclusions here from my limited data

I think it depends entirely on the individual school, the individual HT.

I took my ds out of a state school with a really bad racist bullying/general bullying problem. HT insisted there was no bullying at the school. All staff colluded.

I sent him to a prep school where there was zero tolerance of any kind of bullying.

I don't think the fact that the school is private or state has anything to do with it.

However, if you are able to pay it is much easier to vote with your feet.

If you can't pay, your child may have no escape route.

I had to make huge sacrifices to get my seriously distressed child out of the school he was in, and I will always resent the fact that I had to do that.

As the op is already able to pay, she is in a good place to solve the problem.