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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

anyone else had tears and y7 woes? support and general story-swapping to make us feel better

21 replies

Hatwoman · 19/10/2011 09:32

poor dd is not one to breeze through life. she has one friend from primary in her class (well, technically two but that's a whole other story) and finds making new friends really hard. she's shy and intensely self-conscious - so many things that adults (and many children) think are entirely normal (like saying "please can I sit here") are excruciating for her.

so her and her friend have clung together and, I don't think they've made many new friends. 8.20 this morning her friend's mum calls me to tell me the friend is ill and won't be at school today. dd is not an easy crier but there were tears - not manipulative-making-a-fuss tears. these were tears she was really trying to fight. she begged me not to make her go. poor poor thing. I made her go, of course, armed with tips about how to handle lunchtime, and promises of cake, but it was awful. I know I did the right thing but feel in need of other stories and a chat.

OP posts:

takeonboard · 19/10/2011 09:53

poor DD and poor you. She may even make a new friend today without her freind to cling to. Are there things she can do at lunchtime, clubs etc? It may be easier to make friends through common interests. Its so hard though.

My DS has had ups and downs too, he isn't shy but always seems to become the enemy of one of the in-crowd (I wish i knew how he could avoid this), so there have been some exclusion difficulties. He seems to be settling into school life well apart from this though.

Sparklingbrook · 19/10/2011 09:57

I really feel for you. DS1 started at High School in September and has found the whole thing quite a struggle. He has friends but not a best friend as such. He is very shy and doesn't like having to ask the teachers anything and has been very stressed about books, tests and where the classrooms are.
Hopefully she will have a good day. You did the right thing. You just want to bring them home and make it alright though don't you?! Try to keep busy and not clock watch too much until hometime.

Original poster

Hatwoman · 19/10/2011 10:42

dh and I both said over and over that clubs would be a good way of making friends. (there are many). she's joined two - but, tbh, both choices were maybe a bit led by knowing her friend would be going. I think today will be good - in that she's expecting the absolute worst - so as long as it's a bit better than the worst, it will hopefully reassure her and even boost her confidence a bit. and yes, maybe she'll spend time with some different people - there are a couple of girls she talks about so hopefully she'll talk to them a bit.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/10/2011 17:06

How did she get on today Hatwoman?

ellaeleven · 19/10/2011 20:32

My dd is struggling to make friends in her new y7 class. No-one has asked her to meet up after school or at weekends yet and I keep thinking everyone has developed friendship groups and they dont like her or simply arent interested in being friends with her. She is really trying to be super friendly as well.
I'm going to make sure she catches up with some old friends from primary at half-term but really wish she had a new class friend just to confide in and share experiences with. 7 weeks in I think she should have bonded with someone by now.
Hope your dd had a good day Hatwoman.

crazynannawitchbitch · 19/10/2011 20:39

As a mum of a very anxious sensitive yr9 dd,just one piece of advice i would give myself (if I had a crystal ball)....give it time. Things will be ok

Grammaticus · 19/10/2011 20:43

Ella - it takes longer than you think. Honestly. Don't worry yet.

ellaeleven · 19/10/2011 20:54

Thank you Grammaticus. I'm probably more anxious about it than her although I think she might be picking up on it with me asking every day if she sat next to anybody at lunchtime etc.
Primary school was so much easier in that if she was feeling a little lonely I could instigate play-dates and speak to other parents about meet-ups but now its all down to her. I know I need to relax, its just having a good set of friends in secondary is half the battle.

Original poster

Hatwoman · 19/10/2011 22:37

thanks for asking sparkly - and thanks for the reassurance, Grammaticus and crazy. dd said today wasn't great - she sat with the other girl from primary (they have a bit of an on-off friendship) but she mentioned a couple of other names. ella - it's hard not to ask too much isn;t it? dd was cheerful at home tonight though - so it didn't shake her too much. she went to her normal lunchtime club, but without her friend she was the only one from her class. I know it will all take time - just hope she hasn;t missed the bus, as it were.

OP posts:

JordanBaker · 20/10/2011 09:13

Honestly, Grammaticus and Crazy are right. My DD is in Y9 and it is only now that she has become part of a proper friendship group. None of her close friends are in her class; it took a while for them to find each other but they met through sets etc. They're all a little bit eccentric unusual but very like-minded and the change in her has been lovely to see.

I had pretty much given up hope of her finding a close group of friends (she got on fine with the girls in her class but was rarely contacted out of school) but now she is texting/skyping/meeting up with the best of them!

It's hard but you just have to be patient because unlike primary school, you just can't force these things. Hang in there-all will be well in the end.

crazynannawitchbitch · 20/10/2011 09:15

Hatwoman she will get more confident as each day passes,I'm sure

senua · 20/10/2011 09:55

The old hands are right. Even if everyone else in Y7 appears to be settling into friendship groups and cliques, the true and lasting friendships don't really become obvious and settled until about Y9.

Original poster

Hatwoman · 20/10/2011 12:08

oh you are all lovely!

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 20/10/2011 12:42

My friend who has a daughter in Year 9 says exactly the same, so I'm hoping DS1 will be okay in time too.
I have been more stressed about him starting high school than when he started school in Reception. It really seems to be a steep learning curve for all of us and I just want my smiley son back.
How is she coping with the lessons/homework etc Hatwoman?

EmmaMRN · 21/10/2011 16:04

It will all be okay in time! My DD had such a hard time when she first started school. She was so used to having all her friends with her all the time, but only 4 in her class went to the same school. She's in year 9 now and it took her time, but she's made friends, and is doing so much better. It helped joining the netball team, but it took her a while to get the courage to go along. As the others have said, just hang in there! :)

GraduallyGoingInsane · 24/10/2011 19:22

My DD2 took a while when she started - she's really shy and quiet, and approaching new people is her idea of torture. She's now in Year 9, and the others are right, it DOES get better. She's now got a really close, lovely group of friends.

In fact, her friendship group is tighter and more loyal than DD1's group, yet DD1 was one of those kids that took to high school like a dream. I think the children that take a bit longer to settle into a friendship actually seem to find closer, more similar minded friends.

Sparklingbrook · 24/10/2011 19:25

I wish it could be Year 9 already I didn't think he would get to half term and still not be totally settled.

mumslife · 24/10/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumslife · 24/10/2011 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grammaticus · 25/10/2011 20:25

My son felt fine in school, hung out with the same boys from the start, but didn't see his new friends out of school until January of year 7. They all bus to school so don't live nearby. He was and is fine. Honestly.

DemonMousse · 27/10/2011 09:39

I had the same problems with DD1 last year - there were only 2 others from her Primary - one, a boy who already had friends and the other a girl who DD never got on with.
The first few weeks she was anxious all the time - she's quite a friendly girl usually but she was latching on to various groups out of desperation! She would come home one day and say "I'm friends with X,Y and Z now" and then the next she'd be in tears because X,Y and Z hadn't waited for her for lunch.
Gradually she became more friendly with one or two others from her set - ones she was actually having lessons with, rather than those in her registration class. I think it was about November/December time before she really established a group of 'proper' friends.
I think Year 7's do tend to stick with those they're familiar with at Primary for the first term until they get to know others better.
It must be awful for your DD being shy - I do feel for her (and you) but reassure her it will get better. Does she know anyone in the years above her who could maybe have a chat with her break? Just to check she's ok and give her a bit of confidence?
DD2 is the same age as your DD and settled immediately but she had at least 10 others from Primary to go with and she's a bossy little madam confident girl.

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