Do you think dc need you more/less/the same now they're secondary age?

[CeliaFate]

The consensus amongst friends/family/media seems to be that if you're a sahm, you go back to work once the children are in secondary and are more independent.

I think this age is when they need you the most - not so much for practical support (although obviously that too) but for emotional guidance.

Dd has come home with friendship issues and the stakes are much higher now - her friends have gone late to classes and lied about the reason so they won't get into trouble, another friend's parents have split up acrimoniously, some start smoking etc.

I feel more needed now to talk about issues that could affect her. Also supporting homework, I've been shocked at some of the things she's being expected to do in year 7. I would have done these at a much later stage iirc!
What do you think?

NMP We could call ourselves F.U. (Full time Unemployed), a two finger salute to those who judge us.

Maryz, it's so difficult to know what to do isn't it? The need to nuture and give our dc the best opportunity, mother guilt and our needs not being met. I'm glad the volunteer work helps YOU to feel good about doing something, but don't believe for a minute that your sacrifice for your son's benefit isn't worthy too.

NMP and CeliaFate - I'm in.

As I've posted before (many times!) on MN, my most steam-coming-out-of-ears moment regarding SAHM bashing was when the woman up the road said "Oh, I couldn't let my brain rot" when I said I stayed at home. And then, in the next breath, breezed that her mother came to her house from 7.30am to 6.30, five days a week, to look after her dcs. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, call me a wastrel saddo, but I like collecting dd from school. Especially at this time of year it's lovely to trudge back through the heaps of acorns and chat. So there!

Hi speaking as a youth worker the young people I work with who are most well ballanced and least likley to act out are those who have mums who have a ballanced life of their own, some of whome are SATM, some of whome work. It depends on the child in question. But I think that now is the time for being a role model showing them the values that you would like them to live by in their adult lives. But also letting them have enough room to push the boudieris and exsperiment. I love Teenagers I do not think there is a more exciting time. Watching them become independent is wounderful. Although I would imagin quite painful for their folks at times.

I would also mention that my sister gave up work when my nephew was 12. He was at an inner city school (abroad) where there was a bad drugs problem - and it was heroin not a bit of pot smoking. Since they finished school at 1pm there was an awful lot of opportunity to get in with the wrong crowd. She said it was regrettable but my nephew was just the type to be targeted and sucked in by pushers.

My 11yo needs me around far less than when she was younger, or than her 7yo sister. 10yo and 11yo like to have me and DP around sometimes and at the end of a phone line etc, but they also love the independence of being home alone, cooking for themselves, choosing what to do (i.e. watching TV) without parents suggesting wholesome outdoor activities.

I can see it might be different if they are getting into trouble or not coping with school, but I suppose growing up I had 2 full time working parents and I liked that, I liked them not being around on my case the whole time, so I don't see it as a negative thing being a teenager with 2 working parents.