Angry with DS for quitting 6thForm but want to be supportive .

[gingeroots]

Can anyone advise me here - I'm terribly upset ,disappointed ,fearful for DS future ,but feel I need to get past all this and be more positive .
DS in 3rd year of sixth form .
Last year he panicked/couldn't cope and school came up with plan for him to take one A level last summer ( plus some resits ) and then carry on and do 2 more this year .
He didn't exactly pull it out of the bag with the one A level and got a D in Biology .Resits were up by 2 grades.
This year he's been studying for Physics ,Bio and Chemistry .
He started well ,commendations from school ,but got bad unit results and mocks after Christmas .
School says massive improvement in understanding ,good in class - but it's not translating into exam grades .
Pep talk from head of science to the few who aren't doing well ," disastrous grades ,work every minute etc,etc . " .
Cue collapse of DS .
With his AS grades and one A level he has sufficient points for his insurance choice ,and they've agreed he can switch to make them a firm .
DS cannot be persuaded that it's worth taking A2 modules in summer or that even one more A level at a low grade is better than dropping out now .
He cries ,says he can't take being " the bottom rung " all the time .

( DS reports conversations with subject teachers in agreement with his choice " no point having a nervous breakdown taking the A2's if you're going to end up at insurance choice anyway " )

I suppose my stumbling block is his lack of effort . I've always felt he could try harder. For me anxiety spurs me on to work harder ,with him difficulty and failure make him give up .
How can I help him change that response ?
How can I hide my frustration and frankly anger with him and get behind his plan B ?
And we won't even get started on what a failure I feel ...

Is he really cut out for academic study? Maybe a break where he gets a job, any job, and he may go back to it later on. Or would he be happier pursuing a more practical career...say plumbing or being an electrician.

Does he have a career in mind? I did well at school but HATED 6th form, even now i can't pinpoint why. However, I only left because I was planning to be a nurse anyway, and my GCSE's were good enough for me to do a Higher Diploma, so went and got some practical experience to support my application. I then went on to train at a "proper" uni anyway. If I hadn't had the option to do my chosen career via another route, I think me mum would have been a lot less happy for me to leave before geting my A-Levels. So it really depends on his future plans. Could he take a year out then start them afresh? Is it a confidence issue rather than an ability issue?

Thanks Kez.
I think the same about academia and DS ,trouble is he's really quite immature ,lacks social skills ,sort of always getting wrong end of stick ,stuck in a daydream .
He's not shown any practical bent and has no leaning at all towards plumbing ,electrical type stuff .
Possibly child care ,nurturing type things - he's kind and patient ,more comfortable with people younger than him .
The Foundation Degree ( which he wants to do ) is in Animal Studies ,and might be more his level and give him time to grow up a bit .
Tho ideally a break and any job would be great for him - but neither he nor I really know where to start with that ,and he's kind of set on going to college .

iamabadger - yes definitely huge lack of confidence .

How about going to college and doing something like a BTEC. I'm crap at exams and did a BTEC in Business and Finance instead of 6th form - its course work based but a-level equivelent. I went on to uni and did a degree with it.

I'd chill ginger, sounds like the foundation course he's going to do is just the job and, speaking of jobs, he /could use the time between now and September more usefully by getting a job? Might help him along the way to maturity a bit, responsibility, managing his own money and whatnot. Not to mention giving him a bit of a financial "cushion" when he starts his new course if he can discipline himself to save some of his wages. He may not need it, you may be loaded! But it's all the more satisfying, at his age, to have provided something for yourself imho

It's good he has an insurance offer, though i totally understand you feeling disappointed that he can't stick with the course and try a bit harder. I have a 12 year old with whom this is just the sort of scene i can envisage in the future! Such a fine line between making them feel too pressured and not being tough enough, ime. What is he going to do between now and October if not his A levels? I think i would concentrate on that. That's six months and the last thing a teenager going through a rough patch and feeling a bit low needs is the opportunity to do nothing IMO. I think I would try being strict about him HAVING to do something. School, alternative college course, voluntary work or employment all acceptable. Sitting about moping not acceptable.

Is there someone at the school who's in charge of pastoral care/counsellor? It may help if he speaks to them.

He can go to college and retake them at a different time when he feels ready if this is what he wants to do so it's not the end of the world. I'd look for something in the areas that he enjoys though, chemistry, physics and biology are very hard A'level subjects, chemistry especially (I failed the AS 3 times). It won't help his self esteem at all as it either clicks or it doesn't.

Wishing you all well.

X post. The animal studies course sounds great! Do you think he could get a job in a vet in the mean time?

My heart breaks for him ginger because that was mostly my problem too, and he sounds very sweet and well suited to caring roles from what you say, maybe child nursing? Doing a practical, vocational job has done wonders for my confidence, I'm 25 now and in a senior role, run the ward and am no longer backwards in coming forwards so it really does get better. 18 is so young, and you just don't realise it at the time, until you've got through those horrible shy years when you don't know what on earth you want to do but are made to feel like you must decide (I mean by society, not by you as a parent, yo sound really supportive!)

He does sound like a sweetie. Where do you live? Are there any local volunteering projects he could join? Or paid work opportunities? There are a few city farms near us that employ young people to work with the animals and younger kids. Anything like that he could do?

Like Vivalabeaver, I also didn't do A levels but BTEC in Business and Finance. Hard work but in a very different and more vocational way. I never wanted to go to University, so I then got a job and trained to a chartered accountant whilst working. It was very low paid but, hey, who cares...they gave me experience and paid for my professional courses and exams. Now I have my own practice. Through work, I see all manner of personalities many of whom never had an academic bent but they are very successful all the same.

Animal studies does sound a great course for his strengths.

It is clear he's going through a difficult stage of his life. Some people are just not cut out for academic studies; I hasten to add this does not imply they are thick or dim. I have a few friends like this and they became millionaires before the age of 30! On the contrary, sometimes these individuals have a clear insight in what they want to do in life and make a great success of it and that A-Levels and universities are not the only path to get there. For example, I've read and just confirmed again by the man himself recently in a Piers Morgan interview that Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber spent a very brief period at Oxford and very quickly decided Oxford wasn't for him and wouldn't help him in what he actually wanted to do. His track record today speaks for itself.

Does your DS know what he wants to do? It seems to me he had opted for some very hard academic science subjects and the fact is that if he's struggling at AS and A2 levels now, pursuing the same subjects at university would be nothing short of 3 or 4 years of hell at university. A break from academia e.g. a gap year (extended foreign holiday/work experience) may help matters immensely. But both of you need to be open and discuss the issue(s) with a cool head. Good luck!

I really feel for you, but with the exams only a few weeks away now, would your DS consider taking just 1 A2 in the subject he enjoys most (poss Biology from your post)?

I would echo belle and ask if he (or even better both of you) can see the head of pastoral care to talk through his options. It would be such a shame to stop now after 3 years hard work.

We all feel your pain. Part of me would probably want to strangle him, and tell him to grow up, but I fear that would not be helpful.
Along with not being very mature, he also sounds a bit 'lost'.
I mean its all very well if you realise you want to be an ... architect at age 13, but if like me you didn't have a clue, even whilst doing a'levels, you are kind of scuppered.
Maybe one of those online career things. My friend told about 2 that were very good. Really took onboard what your personality is etc, what you want out of life. No point killing yourself to be a barrister, if what you really want is babies/travel/easy ride of life.
Xenia would say you do need to think about the money, where this is going to take you in life. I agree. Teenagers career advice today seems even more abysmal than mine was !

Most of dh's old schoolfriends are brick'ies and tilers. Most of them are millionaires. One of them owns 12 houses. And has no mortgage. Exams results are not the only think in life. But it does sure HELP, if you have some sort of idea. And well paid, jobs, choices, is ONE of the very key issues.

I second the Btech idea....it would be fresh start.

Thank you everyone .
I've not been able to persuade him to go back and concentrate on even one A2 .
He's kind of isolated , only has a couple of friends and they are younger than him and at college ,so lacks any peer pressure to go back IYSWIM.
I'd like the school to talk with him ,but it's really only his subject teachers who know him and they've not suggested anything which makes me think they feel it's the right decision to go .
I've just looked on his school website - they have 13 people in a pastoral team ,plus 4 " pastoral support managers " ,plus a post 16 leader ,plus a head of house ,plus his form tutor .
I've never met or spoken to any of them - it's a new set up since school became an Academy a couple of years ago and they don't attend the yearly parents evening - and none of them have contacted us ,so it doesn't feel like they'd be much help .

Think will have to keep him busy - voluntary work ( unsuccesful at Battersea Dogs Home ,but trying a City Farm and a couple of Animal Rescue centres ) ,swimming ,learning to drive .
Try and make this period positive ...

oblomov - have you details of online careers guidance you mentioned ?

Its hard Ginger, I know. DD1 struggled through one year of 6th form, never really settling and hating it, then decided to move to a college instead, where she gave up after the first term. I was so worried about her future, but she did an apprenticeship, (rubbish money but she enjoyed the work), has now got a "proper" job, and is doing an accountancy course aswell. It was just not right for her a few years ago, but now she is loving the learning and doing really well.

Have you looked into any apprenticeships? These are hands on and he might enjoy doing one for a year. They do childcare ones, not sure about animal care though, but worth a look.

Dont worry, he will come out fine. Not all young people are the same and need the same route to get to their career choice.

www.est.uk.com/ - for more information on apprenticeships if that helps.

He doesn't want to do his A2s, why are you still trying to persuade him?
Baffled, really. He's clearly unhappy, has cried about this, and you're still trying to get him to do this.
I think you need to back off and let him make his own choices.

I know what you're saying albania .
It was such a shock and so sudden - went into school in the morning as normal and came back that afternoon having decided that he couldn't make himself carry on and that it wasn't worth it .
He was upset and assuming he could drop out and be ok with the insurance choice , and my initial focus was on trying to get confirmation that the offer would still stand.
When things calmed down I talked to him about not giving up completely - wanted him to give it more considered thought ,especially in view of school not offering to talk it through with him and/or me .
I'm really sad ,and it just doesn't feel right to me to give up when the exams are only weeks away .
I'm not trying to force him ,but was looking for support for myself here really .

Positiveattitude - thanks for the link .

Ginger roots, I think you did the right thing . Under pressure people don't see or think clearly and giving up (or not) is best done after thought and due consideration and not when burdened and in tears.