Please help me support my dd with the Y7 move - different school to her friends

[FattyAcid]

My dd (Y6) will be going to our second choice of secondary school and only 1 or 2 of her friends will go there as most of them have places at our first choice school.

I have tried to be very positive about the move with my dd and I can see she is generally doing a fair job of being positive too - but she realised yesterday that none of the boys in her class will go to her new school, "and I just realised how much I really like them all, and I will probably never see them again."

Does anyone have any wise advice or kind words of reassurance/comfort for my dd (and frankly I am having trouble staying positive myself)? Her current class are a pretty bonded group of children and parents and I feel sad too that we can no longer really be part of this group.

We will definitely stay in contact with her best friend. I know it will be what we make if it but I really feel sad about it today, and my dd is a bit sad and anxious too.

bump

My DDs both went to secondary without any of their primary friends. It was a bit different though, because that was our/their choice. However, it did make for a nervous time from now until September, especially over the summer holidays, when they were both apprehensive.

Is there any way that your DD can meet some children from her new school before she starts? The school my DDs attend had a meeting one afternoon for parents and children who were coming in ones and twos rather than from one of the feeder schools.

One thing I would say is that neither of mine enjoyed the formal induction day, although both love school now. They both looked forward to the induction day, but the reality was disappointing, as both found that the other children clung to their friends from primary and were reluctant to meet new children. So try not to set too much store by it, or to build your DD up for it too much - that was one of the mistakes I made which made the summer difficult.

We also talked a lot about friendship and how to make friends. It probably sounds obvious, but I think it helped to talk over some of the issues - like not being too needy or trying to be popular at the expense of your real self, etc.

Regarding friends from primary, mine have found that going to a new school has made a difference to their local friends. They still see their old friends at Guides and a couple of other activities, but the children from primary that they are closest to now are not necessarily the ones who were their friends before - I think they have all changed as they've grown older and this has taken them further from some of their old friends and closer to others.

janeyjampot thank you so much for taking the time to reply - really great advice and I appreciate it a lot.

I will know not to hype the induction day now and like the idea of talking about how to make friends.

My daughter was the only girl from her primary school to go to our first choice secondary - she started in September.

She had two induction days in the summer term which she didnt enjoy that much because although she talked to people in class, at break times they congregated back into their primary school groups - not helped by all being in their primary school uniforms!

On the day she started she was very nervous and although I'd done lots of talking about my transition to secondary school, I don't think she believed me! in the event - after about a week she was fine. The school had them sitting in alphabetical order in most classes and she found she was sitting with the same girl - who co-indidentally (or was it?!) was also the only girl from her primary school - they are now best mates, and DD has a group of nice friends, some from her form, some from the classes where they are in sets, and a couple she's met on the school bus.

Your DD probably won't believe you telling her that within a couple of weeks she will have made new friends, and often secondary school intakes are much larger than primary and so there is a larger pool of children to make friends in. All I told DD was to smile, and ask other people lots of questions because we all like talking about ourselves!

AS for missing friends - we allowed DD to have a facebook entry, and she's kept in touch with some primary friends that way, still sees one regularly but even with facebook contact with the rest is dwindling....but she's not bothered.

Hope your DD is ok !

Lots of great advice here so I'm only posting out of solidarity. I'm sure everything will be fine but that's not terribly helpful at this point.

Thanks grovel

snowsquonk that was fantastically helpful

I am finding the real life experience stories incredibly helpful. Sometimes it means a lot that other people take the time to share experiences. Its been a rubbish day for me today with 2 sets of bad news - you mumsnetters have really brightened it up
thank you

Any other stories or advice extremely welcome

DS is in Y7 now. He was 1 of only 2 children in his Junior school to pass the 11+ and also one of the very youngest, having a very late August Birthday. I was extremely worried about him not just academically, but socially and emotionally, being away from all of his friends.

I kept on telling both him and myself that the friends that were true friends, he would keep in contact with and that he had the opportunity at his new school to make a whole new set of friends.

I think it helped DS knowing that he would not be alone, loads of boys would be in a similar situation and in general he has just taken it all in his stride, immature or not!

He is very happy in school, joins in school clubs and seems to be doing really well. (Apart from moaning about the homework! )

Good luck, I am sure it will all go well! x

DD got into her first choice school and was the only one from her primary to go there. Her primary classmates were mainly going to 1 school (not a great one in my opinion) but a few were going to several others as well. At first she was really excited and she did know a handful of girls in the school but none would be in her class. Induction day was fine but she didn't really click with anyone as there wasn't much opportunity.

A few days before she was due to start I sensed a bit of unhappiness (mothers do sense things!) and started trying to find out what was up. She was just very anxious about the school and missing her friends. I asked who she would miss & it was the girl who lived next door! So I reassured her that she would still see her. The fist day went really well as the school was careful to buddy up girls who were on their own and new friendships were formed. She now has made several very good friends, been on sleepovers, to parties & all the usual stuff. She still sees some of her primary school friends and chats to them on facebook, msn etc, but now understands that things change, and interests change.

Your dd will soon make lots of new friends, and still keep in touch with some of her old ones, certainly the ones that matter to her. It is a stressful time and I would suggest you encourage her to talk about her fears, don't dismiss them but be positive about the experience. It is all a part of growing up.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a rubbish day Fatty, I hope things improve quickly.

I changed school twice in two years when I was young, once at 8 and then again at 9! I didn't know anybody at either school but coped well with each move despite being quite apprehensive. I was the only new starter each time so had to try and fit into already established friendship groups. I think it will be a big help for your DD that lots of people will be in the same boat.

It sounds like you're doing all of the right things by being positive about the move and giving her the time and opportunity to talk over her feelings with you. It's also really good that you're going to stay in touch with her best friend, it will be nice that she'll still have a familiar, already comfortable friendship during the transition.

I'm sure she'll settle in really well.

Thanks so much for all the experiences shared - its very interesting and helpful and reassuring

This will definitely help my dd and it has helped me too

Just wanted to say to everyone who has replied to me, thank you so much.

I have had 3 lots of bad news today incl my dad as an emergency hospital admission and a mummy friend with a malignant brain tumour. Both are expected to do very well but shocking nonetheless. Mumsnetters can make so much difference in the lives of strangers and I thank you all

How awful :( I hope everyone is on the mend very quickly. Sending good wishes and positive vibes. X

My DD is same boat. She's got into the local GS which is fab but no-one she knows is going there and all her mates are going to the local comp. But I'm sure like your daughter if she does go she'll make new mates and within a week or two you both wont remember why you worried at all.

Is the school a good one Esio? If it is, try to focus instead on the good things that she'll encounter there, the curriculum, the clubs, the teachers etc etc. Are there things at the school that outshine facilities at the other choice school - concentrate your mind on those (like the song 'accentuate the positive').

Lastly if you're really not convinced, keep this from your DD, but put her name down on a waiting list for the other school just in case things don't work out at first choice school, places come up in schools all the time and in an emergency you could swap. However, try to be as positive for your DD about where she is going as possible it'll help to lift the situation. And above all, invite the kids she'll see much less of around and keep in touch with them in the hols and at weekends. And best of luck

More tears again here..."my old friends will forget me and won't want to see me and I won't make new friends" "I REALLY REALLY wanted to go to the same school as my friends".

I think she is going to carry on worrying from April to September which is a long time .

My dd2 is in the same situation to you FattyAcid she is the only one of her class going to the school (our 1st choice and chosen with her agreement imo the right school for her) with us it is made extra hard for the fact she comes from a small primary (15 in each year) i have focused on what possitives there is in this particular school and explained aobut how the school will be great for her dyslexia and her intention to get involved with drama productions. She is a slightly depressive personality (takes after her dad there) and I have to admit at times its very hard to deal with. I am grateful I remember dd1 going through this and know to just ride it out. apart from reassuring them it is the ritght thing to do there isnt much more we can do this is a uncertain time for them and part of growing up

FattyAcid hope your Father and friend are recovering?
One tip I heard was for the induction day. Get your DD to write her name and email address on bits of paper, so when she meets some new girls she can give them her contact details and maybe they can meet up with them in the summer holidays. Obviously she needs to write down their details too or put them in her phone as from experience if both sides have the details there is a chance one of them will not lose the details..... So hopefully she will have a new friend or two to start her new school with. Good Luck!

goinggetstough everyone is doing really well - how kind of you.
I absolutely love your idea and will definitely do this - thank you!!!

Lonnie thanks for sharing your experiences - I think there is going to be an eleament of "rising it out" and am trying to prepare my dd for this

Hi Fatty

Just another positive message, my son was the only boy from his school to move to his secondary (one girl went with him but he doesn't speak to her) and although he's quiet and shy has settled in really well and made a nice bunch of new friends.
His brother starts there in September and it looks as though he will be the only one this year as well. I am slightly more anxious with him because he likes to have a group of friends around him all the time so I'm expecting some stress until he makes some new ones.
Definitely riding it out is the way to go, try to make the summer hols as enjoyable as possible to take her mind off it and expect a tough first term while she settles in, after which you'll hopefully wonder what you were worrying about.