Daughter unhappy ind school

[twresearcher]

I have two daughters aged 12yrs and soon to be 16yrs
Both are currently at non selective Independent school but the youngest is unhappy.

Both have gone through State Primary school and no problems arose. Eldest at end of yr 8 in state Sec was being bullied / isolated little response from school and teaching was poor (School later became under Special measures due to underperforming).
Family decision was made to move schools and has been happy at the independent school. We have always told the youngest that we didnt want her to go to the state sec that the eldest went to for the above reasons.

Youngest is in 2nd term of Independent school and seem to be becoming increasingly unhappy. Misses old school friends who are now at local state sec. Present school very traditional and old buildings with little technology (Had a New build Primary therefore she cant belive we are paying so much for the facilities). Has made friends but does not always feel secure in these friendships. At times seems less confident. Teachers are all pleased with her progress and she is working above expected target. Increasingly she is feeling unwell not wanting to go to school. Always had good attendance at school.

I am in a quandry what to do now and feel that if we do not take her feelings onboard that her emotional wellbeing will detoriate. I am hoping to discuss school again with her this evening.

Has anyone here been in a similiar situation ?

The options are

1. to keep her at the Ind School and hope she accepts the situation

2. to move her to another school ? State ? other Ind

3. Move her to local sec where old friends (this is now a academy with new build)

Thankss for any replies

I'd be tempted to take a look at the local secondary and see if it was somewhere you'd at least consider, if you looked at it with a completely clean slate. The fact that your older daughter ahd a problem there a few years ago doesn't mean that your younger daughter would be likely to have any problems.

But you do need your younger daughter to understabd that things won't be the same as they were at primary, because all her old friends are in different classes now and have made new friends. So if she's wishing things were how they used to be, that's not a realistic view of what the new school would be like.

Thanks for the advice AMumInScotland, I have let things pass but daughter has moaned and stressed at being unhappy from before christmas so think that we now need to address the issue.

We have discussed the differences in classes at State Sec and she has said she is different to her sister and feels she would cope with the changes.

I have friends who sent their eldest son to a very selective private boys Grammar. He loved it, and thrived. They then sent their youngest son there. He wasn't as academic, and hated it. After two years they moved him to a local sate school where he is thriving again.

Different schools do suit different people. And different siblings can have a very different experience even in different forms of the same year group (as another friend of mine would tell you).

I would privately go and look around the local State school and see what you think now. Do be very honest about the issues you had before. (Actually I also have another friend who moved her daughter to a private school for years 9, 10 and 11; and the girl has moved back for sixth form.)

Good luck!

My son started a new inde secondary in September, he's in year 7. He's found it very hard, he was the only boy from his prep to go there and misses his old friends. We've had a lot of tears. His teachers have been wonderful and very supportive and I've found that he is now settling but it's a very slow process. Do the school have lunchtime clubs? This may help your daughter as it will help her make friends who she has something in common with. Does she have a personal tutor? They are very supportive and helpful IMO, you do need to tell them there's a problem though.

I have a friend whose DD1 was incredibly unhappy with her IND high school (having gone through state primary.) It caused no end of friction between child and parents and the parents dug their heels in for 3 years before eventually giving in and withdrawing her & sending her to local state 2ndary. Once this had happened their DD2 immediately announced that she too was unhappy at the IND school, so they decided to avoid the conflict and pull her out at the next 1/2 term. IMO there is little point in spending large sums of money on school fees if DC is unhappy as they will not be achieving their best anyway. If you are lucky enough to have a decent state school who will take your DD - let her go and have a look around and make her own decision. But as amuminscotland says, make sure she understands that the relationship with her old primary school friends may not be the same (unless she has kept in touch with them outside school).

'Has made friends but does not always feel secure in these friendships. At times seems less confident'

This is not uncommon among girls of this age. My daughter generally enjoys her independent secondary but their friendships can go through shaky times at this age--they seem to drift around from group to group. I'd be tempted to wait a while longer. She may be feeling much more settled by the summer term. There's a lot going on for them at this age, with hormones, etc.

I would be reluctant to leave a child in a school where she appears to be unhappy. However before making a decision she needs to understand that her previous friends may well have moved on in terms of friendship groups and it wont be the case of picking up where she left off. Also she may find that at state school she is in none of the same classes as her previous friends. Is she prepared for this? To go through another major school change may be more difficult than she imagines. I think a visit to the state school may be the way to start, aslo they may not have a place?

^^I would agree that I would be reluctant to leave a child in a school where she would seem to be unhappy but, there are so many changes going on for an 11/12 year old in Yr 7 that I think it can be difficult to get to the root of the unhappiness and easy to 'pin' it on the school.
My own exp is that my Yr 7 dtr has moved to a highly selective indie from a failing state primary. She did not have any tutoring or prepping for the entrance exams as it was never envisaged that she would be applying for an ind school. We took the view that if she did not get in, it would be perfectly explainable, but that if we didn't let her try, she would never forgive us. Lo and behold she was offered a place. We have remortgaged to the hilt and now she is unhappy as she is not making as many friends as she thought she would. She is missing her old friends. She is also not coping with the workload as it is miles away from what she was doing at her previous school. Oh, and ALL the other girls are cleverer than her, mean spirited, think about fashion/clothes/boys all the time....
The list of her unhappiness is endless at times.
We have talked about it until the cows have come home and at the end of it, if I suggest moving her to the local school, well, she screams the house down.

I think she is very hormonal at the moment (lots of changes to body etc).
I guess what I am saying is that this has been a time of great change for her. Not just the transition of schools but emotionally as well. I have spoken to people that I work with who moved from state to indie (although I know that this is not necessarily the problem in itself) and they have both advised that we give it at least a year.
Tis a difficult time all right! And it's costing me a fortune

Moved DD1 to selective independent girls school from small state primary. Her bestest best friend (in fact the whole class) all went to local state secondary. Year 7 was quite hard. She liked the school but missed her friends plus had longer day and more homework. She was also struggling to keep up academically and not as good at sport. Year 8 was better as she found her feet and caught up. Year 9 was absolutely brilliant - she loved every moment - and Year 10 is going well too, so much so that we are beginning to worry about 6th Form. (We have a very good state 6th Form College here and hope she would like to go there as we are only modest income folk.)

I would say it is far too early to tell. I think you need at least a year, preferably two, to settle in and really know if it is right (or not) for her. If it still isn't by then, you'll know that moving is the right decision.

Yes, some of them are very hormonal indeed.

I'd stick out Year Seven and see how it goes next year when things have settled down again. I've heard from the mothers of older girls that things often become easier later on.

OP - have you talked to the school and explained your concern re her possibly not having settled in well/made wide enough circle of friends etc? She won't be first girl in this situation.

If they help you and things improve I would stay. If not being in a school you don't feel you fit into is hell on earth for a 13/14 girl. So if that is the case I would go & see state school and appeal if necessary to move, assuming that is what she wants you to do. Most important thing is she is happy and with friends, moving to another school with no friends is high risk and you would have less likelihood of her settling there. State schools stream so in year 8/9 it won't matter too much if she is in same class as friends, as they all get mixed up anyway.

A small point which I'm sure you've considered: Will the state secondary have a place for her? Perhaps best to check before involving her in the decision too much. I don't know how it works in your case buy bear in mind you might lose up to a term's fees, as well. I know when I had DS2 on the waiting list for a local primary, when the place came up I think I had 2 weeks to make the move in before losing the offer.

Finally, I too know of a lad who went form a state primary to a very alpha-male private boys secondary in Australia- and left after 6 weeks he hated it so much! Luckily he lived in the catchment of the 'best' state high school in the city so there he went and rejoined his old school friends- and never looked back. He was very lucky there was a place!

Why not talk her school first and see if they can help her - form tutor, afterschool clubs where she can meet smaller groups of girls etc, before making the jump. If she's feeling unhappy, it's not clear that she'll be fine with new friends at the state school (and she'll be the new one trying to fit in. Her old friends will hopefully be there for her, but will be in new groups etc, as others have pointed out).

Don't jump until you know or sure her current school is not for her.

the school buildings are not the problem!