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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

Lonely year 7

17 replies

blimppy · 25/02/2011 15:49

My DD1 started secondary school last September. None of her friends went to the same school, but she was (and remains) clear that it was the school she wanted. However, she is quiet and shy (outside the home at least) and is really struggling to make friends. She has made 1 friend, but she does not want to meet outside school and my DD is now worried that this friend is going to drop her in favour of someone else. There are a few others she gets on okay with, but she seems incapable of developing this into friendship. Many of the others have joined the school with friends from primary and I guess just don't need my DD. She is joining in with dance club and science club, her two main interests, but I know she's sad and feeling lonely. Given we are half way through the school year, I'd be grateful for any advice about whether I should just wait and hope things improve or, if I should intervene, what I might do. I have no contact with or knowledge of any of the girls in her school - it's so different from primary! Thanks.

OP posts:

roisin · 25/02/2011 17:39

Can you encourage her to invite a few over after school one night? Or arrange a trip to the cinema after school?

tbh ds2 (yr7) is so busy with extra-curric clubs, homework and music practice, he doesn't see school friends outside of school at all. (The school is in the next town as well, which complicates matters.) But he's not remotely bothered about this at all. I think girls are different to boys though.

GnomeDePlume · 25/02/2011 19:03

Blimppy are there other non-school clubs your DD could join? My two DDs both go to a local music school run by the local authority on a Saturday morning. Both love it and it gives them friends outside of school with shared interests. We found out about this by accident - info was on the council website under music services.

Also what about one of the volunteering type associations? St John Ambulance or Cadets?

The advantage of all these non-school clubs is that they take the pressure off making friends at school which of course makes making friends easier because of not being desperate.

HSMM · 25/02/2011 19:26

My DD started year 7 not knowing anyone as well. She has made a few friends at school, but hardly sees them outside school. She is in the local Guides, so she has got to know a few people from there. She spends most of her holiday time with people from her old primary school. She does seem to be happy though with the friends she has made.

circular · 25/02/2011 19:29

Does she have friends outside of school that she socialises wiith?
Can she still keep in touch with her primary school friends?
Does she mix with other classes during breaks?

School friendships do change quite a lot especially in year 7. And it is quite unusual for children that went to the same primary school to stay in the same exclusive groups throughout secondary.

DD1 (now yr9) was also the only one from her junior school. She did not really make any firm friends until well into yr8. There were one or two she did pair up with in yr7, but they fell out fairly early on. She has now stayed with the same group of about 5 or 6 friends since yr8. Nine of these are in her form group.

I wouldn't worry too much if your DD is otherwise happy at school.

Original poster

blimppy · 25/02/2011 20:38

Thanks for the responses. DD1 does do dance classes out of school also and we are maintaining some contact with 2 friends from primary - although tbh it tends to be me that initiates that. DD1 is an August birthday and I think her relative social immaturity does not help. She wants to see her old friends but is clearly daunted at the idea of making the phone call herself! It's encouraging to hear that it's not too late and that more substantial school based friendships will hopefully form in the coming months. I don't think it helps that I am of the shy persuasion and feel completely ill equipped to offer her useful advice!

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Misfitless · 26/02/2011 08:13

It's not the same situation but it might give you some hope. My DD is now in Y9 and althogh she did go to the same school as all the children from her primary school, some of her closest friends now are ones that she didn't go to priamry school with.

Her very closest friend is someone she barely new until they started Y8, although they both started the school at the same time, but just didn't hit it off until Y8 IYSWIM.

I know it seems like it's been a long time since September but it you put it into context it isn't really that long.

I can remember being in the same situation as your DD in Y7 and feeling that I didn't really fit in for quite a while. She's still finding her feet and will make close friendships given time. try not to worry and don't focus on it when you chat to her or it might make her feel a bit inadequate

roisin · 26/02/2011 08:24

Actually, thinking about it, at the boys' secondary they are taught in their form group for all subjects for year 7, so don't get much opportunity to meet new people.

ds1 just vaguely hung around with 3 boys he knew from primary.

But once they were set for most subjects at the start of yr8, he started to make friends as he met students with shared interests.

haggis01 · 26/02/2011 18:00

Could you have a talk with her tutor? They may know more about who she talks to or may have an affinity with and could help with a seating plan to help her get to know a few others. My DD was dumped by her primary friend at half term of yr7 and she basically had no one to sit or speak with as all the others in her class came from 1 other primary and knew each other very well. My DD was put next to some other girls the tutor thought she would like in a few classes after I intervened and it seems to have worked. My Dd is v.shy and still does not want to go out at weekends or have the girls round, but she is happy now and got birthday gifts from 4 people in her class.

I know these sort of interventions don't always work, but this time it did. Relationships are fluid especially in year 7 my older DD had lots of friends in yr7 but by yr8 everyone formed cliques and things changed a lot, she ended up with a different, smaller but more stable friendship group.
Good luck - I know its worrying

Original poster

blimppy · 26/02/2011 20:58

haggis01 and others - thanks, it's really helpful to hear that we are not alone! I have e-mailed DD's form tutor to ask for her perception of how she's doing, but of course it's half term so no response yet. I'll follow up once term has started. I guess I need to to be patient and let friendships grow over time (while trying not to let my own neurosis take over!). I just hope we don't get to the long summer break without any progress - I dread 6 weeks with DD not seeing anyone from school!

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SeeJaneKick · 27/02/2011 11:24

This happened to me...by the time I was 13 though we had all opened up and things got much more mixed. We began to see one another in town on Saturdays..easier as we were old eough to get the bus.

Tell DD it's abot eing brave...the other girls she likes...are they all in pairs?

Original poster

blimppy · 27/02/2011 12:16

SeeJaneKick - the other girls she likes seem to all have a small group of friends around them and DD feels awkward trying to join in. She always goes really quiet in big groups; she's better one to one. A nice thing happened this morning though - an old primary school friend DD hasn't seen since the summer knocked on the door and asked her out to play. Should help boost her confidence anyway!

OP posts:

SeeJaneKick · 27/02/2011 12:23

Oh good! It will even out blimppy...I was quiet too and it took me acouple of years to find my feet.

If you can reassure her that it's ok to be quiet then she'll feel better that you're not worrying or feeling she "could do better"

ivykaty44 · 27/02/2011 12:26

my dd2 has also gone to secondary and left all her junior school friends to go to other schools.

Clubs and more clubs

Kikithecat · 27/02/2011 12:30

Blimppy, I can't really help but just wanted to say you (and she) are not alone. My DS is in the same position and I am trying to help by getting him to join clubs etc. and he has joined a couple. However so far he hasn't found anyone who he clicks with and he's not the footballing type so that doesn't help, and he is shy too. I just keep saying it will work out in the end, and hoping I'm right. I went through some lonely times at school too but things changed eventually.

overthehill · 27/02/2011 23:52

My dd also went to a different secondary school from all her primary school friends and found it really difficult at first, especially because there were big groups from certain schools that stuck together, and at one point she was convinced that there was no-one in her year with whom she had anything in common!

She is now in Year 10 and has a lovely group of friends, although she still hesitates to invite them here and is still most at ease with her best friend from primary school. I sometimes have to prod her to contact them rather than rely too much on this one primary school friend (text messaging seems to be the universal means of communication and is better for shy children than picking up the phone) as she is moving on and has a new group of friends too.

Be comforted by the fact that, as others have said, friendships tend to be very fluid in Y.7, and by the end of the year there'll be a wider choice of friends as the primary school groupings will have started to break up. Hope that helps.

YouTry · 01/03/2011 09:57

If you have a chat with the school you may find they have lunch time and after schools sessions for children just like this! We run a lunch club with the specific intention of hoping these children to make friends- I would be surprised if your child's school didn't have something similar.

SeeJaneKick · 01/03/2011 11:11

If the school don't have a club like the one YouTry mentions then maybe you could suggest they start one...it's a very good idea.

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