Can you tutor for better work attitude instead of results?

[Dommy]

9 year old son is bright in top groups for things, but like a lot of boys he's a bit unbothered about actually working. If he's pushed and I sit with him for his homework he does good work. But his default drive is to moan, do as little and as quickly as possible and forget to put it into his school bag!

I'm finding this hard. It was all so easy with older DD. We've thought about State Grammar school - he said he wants to try for it - but I know it'd be like pushing a bear in a tank up a steep hill! We can't afford a fee paying school, but there's a really good comp down the road.

So my question is, is there such a thing as tutoring for good work ethic? Can you improve study skills alone to develop potential? He's a lovely boy who makes everyone laugh, perhaps there's more to life, and a future career in stand-up instead?

Well I'm a tutor and my answer would be a "maybe".
Children can do things for a tutor that they'd throw a big wobbly about doing if their parents asked and of course you can tutor study skills and exam techniques etc.

However, IME, tutors and parents need to be working together on this. If it were me, as a parent not tutor, I think I'd be instituting some sort of sticker and reward system for working without moaning, putting in a good effort and remembering to put work in his school bag (what lego, computer game etc does he really really want - perhaps getting 50 or 100 stickers could earn it?) Also don't underestimate the importance of you sitting with him and helping him to learn what an appropriate amount of effort is like. You may have to do this for a while, but it will then be a bit more automatic for him to put the work in!

Watching with interest

Yes, of course you can teach motivation. But stickers and rewards are not the way. Children need to learn that the skills they learn at school will help them have a better life, now and in future - you need to link their current learning to their personal development.

The best people to do this are parents as it is hard to "tutor" once a week for this - it is much more a case on constantly reinforcing their learning with directly applicable life experience.

I think you might be able to teach him this but it's not something that a tutor could do. Pull him up every time he does half a job and model the behaviour yourself.

The work ethic does come with maturity IMO and 9 is very young. I found that targets and rewards, not necessarily financial more like having a friend over for a sleepover, helped.

Thanks guys, yes am on the star-chart case again, it will work for a few weeks.

I've let it all get to me a bit, but am aware I could do more myself definitely. Got any tips???

Compounding his dis-engagement with school, is the fact that DS seems to really dislike his middle aged female teacher (nothing against the older woman I'm one myselt) but he says she's really boring and has a monotone screechy voice (just the kind males seem to hate and switch off from). She rarely does games or art with them, even though it's be part of the curriculum. She treats these subjects as some sort of reward for finished work - which is rarely my chatty son. And Art and Games are the very subjects that really take children out of the classroom and into more exciting stimulating areas of the mind, no wonder he wriggles about and gets told off for making children laugh in class grr grr.

My son in the start of year 5 was like yours. He ran me absolutely ragged.
Then we went to the open evening at the secondary school (DD was helping).
We walked around. He watched the year 10's demonstrating stuff. He wanted that. One of the teachers - unprompted - said
"well, to be in this group you have to work hard all the time and do your best. There is no cleverness, just persistence and effort"
Something clicked in his brain.
Ever since we have had NO problems. We just remind him that if he wants to be in top sets at secondary he has to achieve. We cannot do it for him. We already have our O's A's, degrees and post grad quals. He knuckles down.

Eyes on the prize.

Also watching with interest.

Basically, he needs to be 'intrinsically motivated' not 'extrinsically motivated'.

So the motivation needs to come from him wanting to do a good job.

If he does the work to get any kind of reward (or avoid punishment) then he is extrinsically motivated. This tends to back fire.

There is loads written on this but you could do worse than starting with theunconditional parenting book. Which explains this all much better than me.

Also, another factor that causes children to not work is praising for achievement rather than praising for effort. ( see mindset )

Will take a look at Unconditional Parenting thanks IngioBell - have to admit the title makes me a little squeamish. I know it'll involve me doing lots of work to 'change' my habits no doubt, but am willing to give it a roll, reaping the rewards I've sewn and all that.

Hi dommy how is it going ? I have a DD who sounds similar, able but not motivated, this is really frustrating as there are so many opportunities that she just can't be bothered with !

Have been going through something similar, but now have a teacher with a completely different attitude and style and my child's work ethic has rapidly changed. The new teacher is actually focussing on DC and making her aware of what needs to be done and what is expected and low and behold the interest to do good work has magically started to happen. (still very early days)

It is so refreshing to see after having years of "she is above average so we can ignore her and leave her to her own devices" which is what has happened for last 2 years or so

Am looking forward to see if it does make a real difference. Must admit DC is a bit shell-shocked at the moment and not happy about the attention.