Yr 7 sleepover with strangers

[HSMM]

My dd has made a new best friend at secondary school. She invited her for a sleepover this Friday night . The girl's mum said her dd wanted to go to her old school Christmas fair on Saturday, so my dd could go to them and they can all go to the fair. My dd is all for it. I am nervous , because I don't know the parents. My dh is furious and acting as if I am sending her into drug/sex hell. Should I let her go? I think I should.

I would get DD to say to DH -what do you think might be wrong? Put him on the spot-and show him up for being silly.

This is a question about making a judgement when you have no idea what these people are like. Friendship/acquaintence over a number of years gives you a much better picture.

Couldn't you offer to pick her up at 10pm or something, so that she still gets to go, but - this first time while you don't know the parents - doesn't actually stay over?

I think that's what I'd do.

I would also ask who else may be attending when you speak to the mother.

I agree maryz-if you have brought up your 11 yr old well they will know if they are uncomfortable and know what to do-it is a life skill.
Quite frankly I don't want a DC in my house if I make a freindly invitation and they think we are drug addicts or child abusers-it is insulting.
If your DC is at secondary school age you are going to have to get used to the fact that they have more freedom, make their own friends and you can't control it all.
I think some people want to see a CRB form, interview the parents, inspect the kitchen etc etc and they still wouldn't be happy because they haven't been personal friends for 10yrs! (there are some who would still be suspicious after 10yrs).
I think it far more important to help them with friendships and life skills.

I like the naivity of thinking you can tell the baddies from the goodies.
As if they are going to have 'alcoholic' or 'paedophile' or 'insanely controlling' written on their foreheads.

A couple of years ago I would have said you were being ridiculous. That was until my sister told me about the mother of one of her friends that she went to sleepovers at. She even went on holiday to Spain with them. Fine upstanding people. After this I can't see a way that I will allow my children to go to any sleepovers with woman in the house.

Can't you simply give the DD a phone and tell her that if she finds anything to be even slightly uncomfortable about to ring and you will pick her up-at anytime? Or don't you think your DD is sensible enough?

Thanks for all the views coming from both sides. She is my DD's friend - but she only met her in September when she started Secondary School. I am allowing her to go, with her mobile phone and her good judgement. I will drop her off at the house and change my mind if my gut instinct tells me to.

I trust my DD to call if she is at all uncomfortable about anything and I really want her to build some of the fantastic friendships I built at Secondary School.

Fingers crossed ......

Thanks again.

Let her go ..you are not going to know all her friends parents for ever

Good decision. I am still friends with my 2 best friends made at the start of secondary school-luckily with parents who encouraged it.
I think that you have to trust your DCs, I have found that given the freedom mine choose perfectly nice friends from very similar backgrounds to themselves-it is a question of who they feel comfortable with.

Your DH is going to have to get a grip-being a parent is hard-just wait until she is 17yrs and he is lying in bed at 2am waiting for her key in the door and he doesn't actually know who she has been with and another 17yr old has given her a lift home-he will look back fondly to the time when she went to a simple sleepover at 11yrs and wonder why he worried!

LOving goldfishbowl's comments

SOme good sense there!

Bear in mind that the vast majority of children who are abused suffer that abuse at the hands of relatives. Abuse from strangers is very very rare. Statistically, she is more likely to be abused by your husband than her friend's dad. Sorry if that sounds rude, I don't mean to suggest he actually would.

Good idea Pixie. I will suggest the text idea, in case she can't find anywhere quiet to call (not that I am expecting her to think of me for a second ).

Lizzywishes - I know what you mean about the statistics showing more children are abused by relatives. I can assure you that my DH is lovely, just very protective of his little princess and I love him for it.

It might cause him problems with 'his little princess' in the future there is a fine line between protective dad and controlling dad.

My son once called after an hour at a friend's party. He said we should come and pick him up as he felt ill. This was his invented code for wanting to come home. When we got him home he told us that there had been drugs at this party and he hadn't wanted to get involved or be present. He was 14 and the oldest person at the party was the 17 year old brother of the party holder who was "in charge". The parents were out.

I was very proud of my son.

So you should be pippop, but you were also treating him sensibly and letting him risk assess and deal with it which is quite different from stifling to begin with..

She went for her sleepover and had a lovely time. She sent us a couple of texts, with useless drivel on them, so we didn't worry. A good experience for all of us I think (and DH and I went out for a lovely meal).

My daughter has asked to go to a year 7 sleep over, I have said she can go if I can speak to the parents first and drop her off at their house.
I would never just let her go without checking the guys out first.

I would generally let mine go if I knew the parents as I used to have sleepovers all the time at that age.

A word of caution though. My neighbour's daughter is in Year 7 and arranged a sleepover at her house. The mom, sole parent went clubbing into the local city and left the two girls on their own until the early hours of the morning. You would never have guessed if you met her and I am sure the girls would not have let on. We were concerned when they were wondering around the close at 12 O'Clock. In the end another neighbour made sure they went to bed and looked out for them.

Obviously this is only one incident but I can understand some concerns about this even though I am normally very laid back this incident did worry me.

Yes you should let her go at that age. Few people 'know' the parents at secondary. You can always chat with them on the drop off? Unless you have good reason to suspect drugs or abuse them YABU not to let her go.