year 7 girl upset by sexualised environment

[yackityyak]

My year 7 daughter started secondary in Sept. Since starting she has come home regularly with stories of being exposed to highly sexualised language. I am not at all prudish and have always answered my kids questions about sex openly. However this stuff seems unwholesome, smutty talk of "blowjobs" and "wanking" and one sick sounding child even boasting he had sent a girl a text saying "watch out I'm going to rape you". Another class mate said she'd had sex and might be pregnant (at age 11!) . On the way home one day a group of older boys shouted at my daughter "my mate wants to shag you ". She seems quite disturbed by all this, had not previously been exposed to any of this kind of thing at primary, and is not sleeping well at night worrying about all sorts of thing.
Please please give advice, am I being overprotective. Am I just being prudish to feel she is being sullied by this seemingly oversexualised environment. I'm seriously considering taking her out of school.

You are not being overprotective. Some of the behaviour you mentioned goes well beyond banter. The text is obviously harassment and bullying, and what they shouted at your daughter is harassment too. If it is true that an 11yo had sex that is extremely serious too.

Have you talked to the school about it? It sounds like some of the kids urgently need some more education about relationships and respecting each other; hopefully they will be covering this anyway and maybe it needs to be brought forward.

Link here has info about sexual bullying in UK schools see links in side menu for more info

Sounds very much like one of the classes I was in at high school, but it didn't start until I was a little older.

They thought I was a bit odd because I wasn't sexually active at 15, I thought they were idiots.

Most of the girls were pregnant by 16 and GPs by the time I started having kids. In fact I used to see some of them with their GDC at the baby clinic.

I used to beg my parents to send me to the local public school but don't think they ever realised just how bad my school was.

Think you need to have a chat with her about how she feels and that they are wrong to be doing this.

Also think you should talk to the school about this behaviour. For a start, if the pupils are shouting things like that in the streets it doesn't reflect very well on the school. Have a listen to what the school says and then have a chat with your DD if you are still thinking of swapping her to another school.

For me, this separates into two issues -

1. The "smutty, unwholesome" sex talk about wanking etc. I don't think you should be worried about her being "sullied" by exposure to such talk - girls this age vary widely in their development and their exposure to this sort of stuff. Your child won't be harmed by it in itself.

1. The aggressive, bullying stuff - boys sending threatening texts, DC shouting in the street etc are things which could easily count as bullying, and certainly I'd hope the school would take them seriously and try to do something about it.

So - I'd focus on the bullying side of it, and maybe invest in a sex education book for your DD so she can learn about the meanings etc in a suitable age-appropriate way. There's nothing fundamentally unwholesome about wanking or blowjobs, and teenage girls will think about and talk about these things. If she is worrying about her lack of knowledge, or about sex generally because she doesn't understand and is therefore scared of the whole subject, this will give her the information to put their "smutty" discussion into a better context.

Oh meant to say - do go into the school to discuss the bullying side of it, and see if they take it seriously and seem to mean to actually tackle it. Then consider if you want to change schools if they don't think its important.

I'd echo what AMumInScotland says, particularly about talking about sex at home. My DD felt uncomfortable about some of the playground chat in year 6, so we read and talked about sex (I should have done it sooner, I was waiting for her to be ready, forgetting that other children might be part of the equation). It did help and when she moved up to secondary school (now in year 8) she was able to roll her eyes at talk which would have previously made her feel very uncomfortable. It's still not a subject which interests her, but it doesn't scare her now.

She has been lucky enough never to have been exposed to the sort of bullying behaviour you describe though, which needs to be tackled by the school.

i agree that masturbation and oral sex are not unwholesome, but surely 11 is too young to be exposed tothis. she still thinks ordinary sex is "yuk". You referred to it being normal for teenagers , well precisely, she isn't a teen for two years yet. the question is can i realistically protect her from this now she's atsecondary?

I had no confidence that the local school would deal with this kind of thing properly, the only solution I could see was to send DD to an all girls school.
Sexual bullying is rarely treated with the seriousness it deserves, your DD is fortunate that you do take it seriously.
Don't mean to scare you, but have you read the "small sexual assaults" thread in the feminism section? Reading that convinced me I was right to avoid a mixed school.

This is why I'm going to homeschool my kids! (only semi-joking!)

This is sadly the kind of stuff that seems to happen everywhere. I live in a really nice boarding school, certainly not as bad as the school my sister teaches in, but I'm still quite often shocked at some of the disciplinary issues that have to be dealt with.

I'm only 27, but I'm painfully aware that school today is not the same as it was for me even 10 years ago. In 12 years time when my kids start secondary it's probably going to be even worse.

If you are concerned about your daughter, definitely speak to the school, but realistically there is only so much they can do. If your daughter is genuinely scared I wouldn't hesitate to remove her for a year.

You can cover the curriculum in far less time one-to-one, so she could get a head start ready for GCSEs and join back when the kids have all been in the same class for a year and there is less bravado and trying to be shocking to make a name for themselves.

Some 11 yo girls are physically mature, and their development and hormones make them interested in a way that a "younger" 11yo won't be. Your dd isn't unusual in thinking its all "yuk", but equally other girls are not unusual in being interested. It makes it a tricky age because some are "teenagers" in that respect while others are still children.

Like I say, I don't think you can or should try to protect her from the general conversation, as long as it is not turning into bullying. All you can do is make sure she has the information to process their comments. Like Goingspare's dd, she would then hopefully be able to roll her eyes at the conversation, instead of it being scary.

I don't think there is ever a need to "protect" children from knowing about sexuality. Protecting them from being pushed ito trying it out is a different matter.

I'm afraid it is fairly normal for 11 year olds to be exposed to masturbation and oral sex. I certainly was in my first year at secondary school, and that was a good grammar school in 1966.

The day at my school was divided into periods. One of the "in" jokes in the first year was to ask someone (male or female) how many periods they'd had that year.

The texting/shouting in the street would be taken very seriously by my DD's school. I'd get your school involved asap.

She's almost certainly not alone in not being ready for the sexualised conversations: it may be that she will settle down in time with friends who feel the same way: my daughter has tended to gravitate towards 'younger' girls - though I think their lack of interest in pretending to be anything that they're not shows a reassuring degree of self-confidence and maturity.

Depends on the school. I know a school my friend had her DS at - this sort of thing was totally commonplace and my friend did end up removing her DS. Another school I know of - it would be tackled immediately. I would speak to the head and ask about it.

thread here on sexual bullying in schools

Thanks melpomene for the mention of education on relationships and respecting each other. Maybe this would be the way to tackle some of the issues, I will suggest at school that they do more stuff on this in PSHE lessons

Thanks for your comments muminscotland. I appreciate all the interest. You're right i think in that "protection" from matters sexual is not the right word. Wholesome sexuality is fine but I do worry about all the nasty stuff out there on the internet which other kids seem only too ready to share with each other. perhaps at an older age kids can process information more critically but at age 11 and 12 I worry they will not be able to distinguish between what is normal and what's not, what's acceptable and not. I guess the whole internet issue is just another can of worms though.

In the area my friend lives in they don't start high school till they are 14. Wish it was the same here.

Yep, couldn't agree with you more Ineedsomesleep. I went to middle school from 11-14, I think it's a brilliant idea, why was it scrapped? It was a gentle transition from primary, to middle to comprehensive, with age groups containing more similar-aged children.

I don't think middle schools were ever universal. They do still exist in some parts of the country, although I don't think they are usually age 11-14. Y5 or Y6 to Y8 (9/10 - 13) seems to be the norm.

We still have middle schools in our area

Middle schools are being phased out in my area. We were keen for DS1 to go to a mixed school, as he has 3 brothers, We didn't want him to grow up thinking girls were an alien species. There was a very good girls' school in that area and all the "naice" girls went to that. The ones who went to DS1's school were extremely forward! I think he got a bit of a shock!