Urgent question for Secondary School teacher please?

[panasonic]

We found out at the weekend that our lovely 14 year old daughter has been self-harming.

It has been a huge blow, with many issues coming to light that we had been unaware of and we have been spending lots of time together as a family, allowing her to talk.

One thing that came up in our conversations, is that this has been going on since Year 7/8 (we had no idea at all )

In Year 7, our daughter apparently confided in her academic mentor (who is also the deputy head) that she had been self harming and the deputy head made sure that she met up with our daughter on a regular basis to check on her and to examine her wrists.

She wasnt cutting her wrists at this point in time though, instead she was cutting her thigh or ankle - so nothing easily visible.

In the 2 an a bit years that this went on, nothing was ever mentioned to us by the school, despite that fact that we had regular meetings ourselves with the mentor and also had email contact with her.

Is this normal? Is it normal for a school not to discuss these issues with a parent?

I am devastated to think that my daughter has been suffering for so long and that the school didn't tell us.

We have since moved her to a new school (she has been there for almost a year now) as we had big concerns about the academic standards at the old school and my daughter was also being bullied. We have spoken to her new school and they weren't aware of the issue either. So her old school also hadn't bothered to pass on this vital piece of information to her new school.

Sorry for the long post! but thats my question really. I am really shocked and saddened that the school didn't tell us. Are they bound by confidentiality issues?

I would be very grateful for your thoughts particularly from Secondary School Teachers

Many thanks

a quick bump although i imagine most teachers are in school

this does not sound right at all to me (ex teacher), though I am not up to date on confidentiality issues - if your DD asked for you NOT to be told, then the teacher broke that confidence, who could she trust? next time she needed help, she would tell no one. at least they were taking it seriously and keeping an eye on her for you.

a girl's friend once confided in me that she was worried about her mate who was cutting her arms - i went straight to the girls tutor & head of year and they assured me they were aware of the situation as were the girls parents - but I would not have slept had i not immediately reported it through the right channels.

schools do NOT always pass on certain info - fresh starts and all that - I know of a child whose school did not even tell a new member of staff that the childs parent had died very recently - they had to actually tell the tutor themselves in front of the class

I hope your DD is OK

another thought - its not clear from your post whether this came to light before she moved schools? have you discussed DDs version of events with the old school?

there is the chance she might not be telling the truth, though why she would lie i dont know

have you spoke to the previous teacher about it?

Hi Perpetually, we only found out ourselves this weekend (although looking back, there were a few 'warning signs' that we missed)

We knew that she had been bullied at her previous school and know that she has been feeling increasingly low recently - self esteem issues and feelings of isolation, but other then that, we had no idea.

So her old school have been sitting on this information for a few years - I am just so angry about it because this was DD's cry for help and they did nothing.

I haven't spoken to her old school yet, I need to talk to DD again first, to get a clearer picture, but in a way, this is secondary to the other things that need to happen for her - we are arranging extra support and looking at counselling etc.

Thanks for your reply

No this is not normal at all. They have to tell the students that if they disclose something that the teacher thinks is serious enough that the teacher has a duty to follow it up and report to whomever they think necessary - in this case i would have thought the parents and doctor of the child as well as the child protection officer in the school (usually the head or deputy).

They have really failed your daughter and you. Im so sorry. Now that you know about it i hope you can help her. I would be furious if i were you - you could have been helping her all this time.

Thanks Pooter, thats what we keep thinking too. She was 11/12 when it first started and I am struggling with the fact that someone knew and yet we didn't....

I am struggling with a lot of things to be honest

I do intend to approach the school, once we have clarified things with DD but I want to be gentle with her. I don't want her to feel as if we are pushing her to reveal more then she feels comfortable with. So I will hold off for now until things are a little clearer.

I just needed to find out whether this was standard school policy - but it seems not.

Girls self harming seems to be relatively common.

If a pupil confides in my they are made aware that if it something that makes me concerned for their safety it can not be confidential. The only exception would be if I suspected a parent was abusing a child, I would then take advice.

A teacher should not have kept it themselves

They should have reported it to the child protection officer

They may have reported it to the school medical system ... nurse perhaps

If those systems had been followed and help had been given it is possible that they may not have told parent (unlikely given her youth) but possible

Does not sound as though the systems have been followed though

Many thanks and sorry for the delay responding.

We have no idea whether her old school reported this to anyone at all, so do intend to find out and your points have helped me in trying to work out which questions I should ask as I have no idea of what the normal process should be.

She would have been 11 at the time, so very young and we are reeling at the thought that we could have known sooner and helped her sooner, had we known.

I know this is an old post but as a secondary school teacher (on mat leave) I would have a duty to report this to person in charge of child protection in my school (usually someone in position of responsibilty such as assisstant head/head of year etc) as the child was harming themselves and, therefore, in danger.

A teacher can NEVER promise a child confidentiality or that you will keep a secret. The child protection officer should have spoken to the child and contacted home, arranged a meeting with you etc.

Hope all is OK.

As a retired comprehensive school head and gransnet member, I am really shocked by your DD's old school's failure to inform you that your child was self-harming.A dereliction of duty, which could have had even more serious consequences! I suggest that you write to the Director of your Local Education Authority and to the chair of governors of the school. Also ask to see what the school's policy is on self-harming and on confidentiality. That way you ensure that it will never happen again to another parent or guardian, but will not have to put any pressure on your daughter. Thinking of you, Yeswecanreadauthor

Hi, a bit late but my job is pretty closely connected to this situation.

We normally say that the student (girls usually start around 14 say the statistics although in reality it's often younger than that - as you found) has a time frame (say a week) to tell their parents, or we will.

In some cases the student discloses that the parents are abusive etc and this makes telling the parents a tricky thing as it can be one of the triggers. I'm not saying for a second that this is your situation but just that in some cases the parents may not be informed, although they would definitely be getting help.

Self harm is complex but sometimes it is the thing that helps them from doing something worse to themselves - it's not always the ideal to get the SHer to stop cold turkey but to make a plan to do it less and less.

Does she have a CAMHS referral? If not, take her to your GP and get one.

It can be healed, although it may be a long journey.

It should have been reported as a child Protection concern.