joke gone too far?

[notsocrates]

Yesterday, my DD was late out from school, by about 10 minutes.

"Ooops, sorry" she giggled "I was being held hostage."

She is just 14 and at a mixed school.

I assumed she was joking, but pursued it casually:

"You mean you were chatting with your friends and they didn't want to let you go?"

"Not really, no."

"I mean, you could have got up and left if you had wanted to, couldn't you?"

"No, Mum", (exasperated) "that's why I said I was held hostage."

Cue my giving a little homily on how certain boundaries are non negotiable and personal freedom is one of them and that she would be entitled to SCREAM if people would not let her leave a room. DD thinks I am completely over-reacting and didn't seem to mind the whole episode which she possibly found mildly amusing (not sure if the giggling was embarrassment rather than amusement).

I quizzed DD for further details later: it was a group of boys in her year, the girls having left (?odd), and it was in her classroom so it was not like it was a couple of 16 yo keeping her in the boys' toilets.

My question is, should I pursue this with the school, and if so how? I am concerned anyway that my DD does not have proper respect for her personal boundaries (due to our inadequate parenting), very concerned actually, and that she might believe that boys/men have some kind of divine right to tell her what to do.

My DH believes DD has to learn how to cope with the group mentality and I should leave well alone.

I am out now for the morning but would really appreciate some advice to look at later.

I would phone the year heads and ask them to put the teachers on alert for what is going on (mention names if possible). They maybe able to put your mind at rest.

but what exactly happened though? I am not clear.

• the lesson ended.
• the teacher left the room
• your DD tried to leave the room and ... what?

how many boys?
what did they say?
was it something they had planned?
how did your DD eventually get out? was their something she had to do/say?
has anything like that happened before?

Notsocrates - based on what you have said my first impression is you are over reacting.

However, I get the feeling there is a lot more to this than you posted.

How did they 'hold' her in the room? Chatting to her, standing in the door way, physically restraining her, persuading her 'don't go stay' etc.

Why from her staying in a room with her classmates do you immediately refer to this as you being inadequate parents?

If a group of girls had persuaded to stay in the classroom, would you of had no issue whatsoever?

It is difficult to advise because we cannot really know what was going on. It may have been harmless fun. Or it may be the beginning of something that could turn nasty if not checked. We can't tell.

Perhaps subtly approach the school and suggest that situations like this are discussed in PHSE? I know that your concern is your DD but the boys need to realise that they are leaving themselves open to all sorts of accusations if they behave like this. Both boys and girls (all of us, actually) need to think aboout how actions could be perceived by others. Teenagers are not always good at connecting cause and effect, it is something they need to be reminded about.

Your DD appears to think it was not such a big deal, can you find out why?

If she can explain well why it happened, that it was a joke, not threatening, genuinely good humoured etc, then she may be very embarrassed if you raise it with the school.

You're over-reacting

She was enjoying the "hostage-taking" which is clear from her reaction to it and your re-telling of the story. It is nice to be 14 and have boys interested in you IIRC being the centre of attention I mean. and obviously there was no harm caused nor meant as there would have been a totally different reaction

If she was scared or upset you would have seen it.

I think you're over-reacting to teenage play and complaining to the school will make everything turn bad for your DD no doubt.

However that said I would keep an eye on it and I would try to instill some sense of ego in your child.

Thanks everyone.

Analytic, I know no more than I have posted. I have spoken to my DD to tell her that she should always feel free to leave a room and will probably leave it there for now, with a watching brief.

Activate, yes, DD seemed to enjoy the attention. I also find that worrying as it is the wrong kind of attention IMO. I have no issue with her having boys as friends, or even boyfriends but never want her slipping into any kind of abusive relationship and accepting this kind of entrapment is possibly be the first step along that road. I don't want her to have the impression that the boys' behaviour is either normal or acceptable, even though I fully accept that in this case no harm was done and I am certain it was good humoured. It is like if a small boy good humouredly flashes - he might well mean no harm but it should be brought to his attention that this is not the way to behave.

Yes, I would have been equally worried (possibly more so) had it been a group of girls not allowing her to leave school at the end of the day.

Senua - that may be a good way forward. Thank you. Any teachers out there have an opinion on whether that would seem reasonable on my part?

I am a teacher and the mother of a 16yr old daughter

I would have been more concerned if

It had been girls
She had tried to hide it
She expressed any nervousness

There seems to be no suggestion of physical control ... if there had been I would have been very concerned

talker2010 - I understood OP to mean that there WAS physical control. Which does indeed concern me.

analytic I really think you need to get to the bottom of what happened. Otherwise you can't know the right thing to do.

oops, talking to myself, I meant

notsocrates I really think you need to get to the bottom of what happened. Otherwise you can't know the right thing to do.

She was giggling and happy, sounds like a bit of flirtation-no need to worry