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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

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Original poster

DD hates Upper Sixth

35 replies

ajandjjmum · 13/09/2010 18:32

DD has been at the same school since Yr. 7, and has always thrown herself into everything - choir, all sports, debating etc. etc. Her reports have always been very good - she's certainly not highly academic, but always tries her best and works hard. She gets on with people, and is pretty popular with the different years.

She was not selected as head of her house this year, because the other girl in contention was more academic - the housemistress wanted DD to be able to concentrate on her work. She was not made a prefect (trying not to be precious about this, but it was a big surprise to many), and the straw that has broken the camels back is that she's just been dropped from the hockey team.

She is absolutely gutted. Never full of confidence (although she seems it), her self esteem with school is at an all time low, and she is really angry and feels that everyone is against her. There's only so many times that you can say 'never mind, pull yourself together and show them how wrong they are'.

No-one can do anything really, I'm just so sad for her - she has absolutely loved that school, and yet if we offered to move her now, she would jump at the chance.

I don't feel I should get involved - she's 17 and needs to deal with it - apart from which I'd probably cry at the teachers for being so uncaring.

Sorry for the moan - wish I could say I felt better now.

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JustGettingByMum · 13/09/2010 18:44

I just read your post and I feel so sad for your dd. When you say that she didn't get Head of House because the teacher wanted her to have more time to focus on her academic work, is it possible that this is the reason behind the hockey and prefect decisions? It does seem very harsh.

webwiz · 13/09/2010 18:52

I sympathise hugely ajanjjmum, DD2 was in exactly the same position at the end of the summer term. She was the only one out her group of hard working, high achieving, involved in everything group of friends not to be made a senior prefect and yes she was heartbroken. They cut back the number of senior prefects this year(I presume it was because only a small number of boys applied and they tried to redress the gender imbalance a bit)so not only did she not get to be a senior prefect the Head of sixth form keeps asking her to "fill in" whenever they need an extra person

She got over it in the end and I'm not sure if I said anything helpful. I feel in the last year she has gone from being happy and confident to having been stomped on repeatedly with the number of problems that came up. She's gone into the upper sixth a bit older and wiser, and a bit more cynical as well but I have said that this is an indication that its time to be looking forward to moving on.

whiteflame · 13/09/2010 18:52

my sympathies to your DD ajandjjmum. that sounds deeply demoralizing. i had a similar thing happen to me re being passed over for prefect, to general surprise. it knocked my confidence hugely, i was gutted. am actually still a bit annoyed about it 10 yrs on

do you think you could have a low key chat with her head of year? it sounds like either there is a reason for all this (e.g. concentrating on her work), or the school really hasn't noticed a string of bad things happening, and might be keen to do something nice when pointed out?? either way, at least you'd know what approach to take when bolstering your DD's confidence.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 13/09/2010 18:56

I would suggest your daughter finds out for herself why she has been dropped. I don't think in Y13 my dd would have thanked me for going in to deal with the teachers. Hard for her, but life is sadly like that sometimes. She will get over it

whiteflame · 13/09/2010 19:02

good idea amothersplaceisinthewrong, it would probably be better coming from your DD if she feels she can.

Original poster

ajandjjmum · 13/09/2010 20:31

JGBM - I don't think the other decisions were based upon academics - just the H of House. She'd had so many hints dropped, and then at the last minute wasn't chosen. Tough lesson - life isn't always fair.
websiz - Just how it is with us. I feel DD has a sign over her saying 'kick here' - and because she's naturally a bubbly person, so covers up her hurt quite well.
whiteflame - it's a small school - they know how much she has always contributed. Family events always took second place to school events. Her headmaster even said on her last report 'she does so much' - and housemistress said 'she's the perfect student'. Ouch!!
anotherplace - of course you're absolutely right, and I wouldn't interfere - but I can't deal with my own DD with emotion coming into it! She's certainly learned tht life isn't always fair.

Thank you all for your comments - I just need someone to be cross with me!!!

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PixieOnaLeaf · 13/09/2010 21:14

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brassband · 13/09/2010 21:43

Well surely onely one girl out of lots and lots can be head of house, with the hockey team there are maybe up and coming players in the L6.Is it fair that they are denied a chance so as not to hurt your DD's feelings.How would you feel if you were their parent?

Original poster

ajandjjmum · 14/09/2010 07:22

Pixie - I suppose I'm hurt that DD won't have that wonderful experience of being one of the school's leaders, as DS did. I don't think I'll do anything at this point, but I've no doubt the opportunity will arise in conversation to say how 'dumped' she feels.
Brassband - not really, the choice would be very limited, and others had been told that DD had been chosen, but then it changed suddenly when she was away on work experience. And you're absolutely right - the best players should be in the team. Just unfortunate that she was told to go and buy a top that only the 1sts can wear last Thursday, and told yesterday she wasn't playing with them. I'm certainly not of the 'my daughter is best and should have it all variety' - it's the way it's been handled that has made it a problem.

Thanks again.

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senua · 14/09/2010 09:49

JustGettingByMum · 14/09/2010 13:13

ajandjj - I think you are perfectly entitled to feel cross on your DDs behalf. After all, if we can't come here and moan, then where can we?
I hope she gets over this horrible disappointment soon, and enjoys the rest of her time in Y13.

Kez100 · 14/09/2010 13:45

Surely hockey selection is exactly that? Every year children are selected, or not, and that's a cost of competitive sport.

Or, just maybe, year 13 they are too old to be in it? After all she'll have left before the very end of year 13 and maybe there will be matches she cannot be expected to make. Maybe Y13 just don't have places in the team - ever?

Original poster

ajandjjmum · 14/09/2010 14:38

No Kez. She was told on Thursday she was in the team, and told to go and buy a 1st team shirt, which she did. She was told yesterday to go and join the 2nds. Yr. 13 are the key players in the team, as the school (rightly) wants the strongest team. She was selected and then de-selected. She'd have been quite happy to be in the 2nds from the word go.

Thanks senua - appreciate that!!

We'll all survive - just off to buy a couple of voodoo dolls though!!!

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seenitallbefore · 14/09/2010 14:52

I have had four girls through hockey school/district team selection ordeal. I fully understand how gutted your DD would be after being told to buy the 1st team shirt. Its a major upset for a hormonal teenager ! It happened in a similar way to my second daughter several years ago. She went to the first team coach to ask what she should do to improve her chance of reselection in future. The coach told her a few points about her game which she then went off and worked on. She got put back up after three games and went on to be Captain. Point is- your DD needs to find out whats lacking and then work on it. Very good lesson for life. And let her do it herself. Seconds all year if mum gets involved ! PS I know its not the end of the world what team they play in. But it is to them ...

Original poster

ajandjjmum · 14/09/2010 16:40

Of course it is seenitallbefore - and 4 girls I could never cope with. This on it's own would be insignificant really, it's this on top of everything else that's got to her (and me). But as you say, good lessons in life - even if they're ones I didn't want her to learn so soon.

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cherylvole · 14/09/2010 16:42

lol at upper sixth

you mean Year 13

seenitallbefore · 14/09/2010 16:47

Its Sixth Year for us in Scotland too. Why lol ?

PixieOnaLeaf · 14/09/2010 17:54

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mattellie · 14/09/2010 17:58

I don?t think there?s much you can do about the school prefect thing because there?s always going to be an element of subjectivity about that.

Not so with a sports team, however. Your DD is perfectly entitled (and indeed should be encouraged) to go to the PE teacher and ask why she has been dropped, particularly after she had been explicitly told to go and buy a first team shirt. She can always couch it in terms of ?what do I need to do to get back in the side? if she doesn?t want to appear too confrontational.

Good PE teachers should welcome such an approach (as long as it isn?t too bolshie ) because it illustrates a desire to learn and improve.

If she is genuinely a much better player than her replacement (and obviously none of us can make a judgment on that, but the DCs themselves always, IMHO, have a pretty good idea of the pecking order?), she could consider enlisting the support of other players on the team, along the lines of ?We really think ajandjj ought to be playing??

LadyLapsang · 14/09/2010 18:50

Perhaps the school is trying to help her do the best she can academically. It's pretty competitive to get into uni at the moment, maybe they thought she should be concentrating on writing her personal statement, coursework and have time for revision. What's your DDs plans for next year and how did she do in the AS exams?

Waswondering · 14/09/2010 18:56

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mumoverseas · 14/09/2010 20:21

ajanjj, poor DD and poor you, I can totally understand why you are both upset. DS was a chosen as a house prefect last year when he joined his school in L6 (what is all the nonsense about it not being L and U6?) yet this year he has been dropped as a prefect. Ho hum, I suppose he has better things to do but it must have been a bit disappointing.

Hope DD cheers up a bit and settles into U6 soon

Original poster

ajandjjmum · 14/09/2010 22:01

Thank you all. She has bounced back in many ways, it's just that she's lost all positivity about the school - it's like that fine line between love and hate - it's now definitely hate . I understand that she needs to focus on her academic work, but I am firmly of the belief that other things are important too.
Waswondering - I don't think she'll have forgotten this by the time she's 35 either!
mumoverseas - sorry for your DS too - although I know DS wouldn't lose sleep over it as DD would. Boys are different!!!

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PixieOnaLeaf · 14/09/2010 22:31

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TheFallenMadonna · 14/09/2010 22:37

We call it the Sixth Form, but year 12 and year 13. I think though Pixie, it might be an independent/state school thing. Unless that's what you mean by traditional and academic...?

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