How long to settle in?

[kittybrown]

Ok , my ds started high school last week. I know it's only been a week so far but he's really worried as he's made no friends. He talks to everyone but seems shy to break into a group. He mentioned yesterday that he spends lunch time on his own sitting on a bench and is really unhappy as some boys from yrs 9 or 10 keep putting their rubbish in his bag.

He was bullied at his primary school to the extent that he self-harmed which has severely dented his confidence. We choose for him to go to a school where no-one else from his primary was going and he was really upbeat about making a fresh start and friends.

We're trying to let him find his feet at this school but it's hard to let go really as he had a lot of support at his primary (from us and his teachers). Obviously we support him at home and give him strategies to handle the older boys. It's also hard as his form is vertically streamed so there are only 5 pupils from yr7 in it. All the other lessons are streamed academically so he's never really with the same people. He says all the other boys are sticking to their primary school friends and he can't find a way in.

As I said I know it's early days. I just don't like the thought of him being lonely on his own at breaks and lunch.

Would he be comfortable with you inviting a couple of classmates round or arranging something out of school with them to boost the start of a friendship?

I do know how you feel, DS went through this at the beginning of yr 7 and I remember posting on MN in much the same vein, as although he wasn't bullied, he didn't know a single person at secondary and everyone else had been to the same three primaries and were extremely cliquey.

Ds made a good friend in the January of yr 7, after a few false starts. They're still good friends now and he has a small group of close friends and a huge group of friendly acquaintances, gets invited to lots of parties etc.

What I'd strongly recommend are two things;

1. Get him enrolled in some lunchtime clubs. His form tutor should be able to tell you what's on. The school should have various posters etc up but your ds may not be aware of them if he's still finding his feet. I also mailed the form tutur addressing my concerns as late as the Christmas of yr7, and she told me a couple of names of people ds hung out with at registration, so I could encourage those friendships.

1. Find out the phone numbers of everyone in his class. At ds's school, there was a flow chart for snow days, so that bit was easy. Then I (not ds, he'd never have been brave enough at that stage), called the mums of a few boys and arranged for them to come round after tea.

Once he'd got in with a few people, his social circle widened, and even though those first few friendships never really developed much, it was an "in" to other people with whom he's still friendly four years on.

You also need to give it some time. I know how worrying it was, it was really getting to me, but if he's a nice lad, friendly and kind to others he can't help but make friends eventually.

Echo Mumblechums advice, especially re lunch time clubs.

At DS's school, because he had real problems, they made him a librarian, which meant he could have an early lunch pass and always had somewhere to go and do. This suited him, because he is an avid reader, and the school were able to justify it under the Gifted and Talented provision. (Only older children are eligible for appointment as librarians.) It worked really well. By y8, he is going to the library less and less, but for that first year it gave him a sanctuary and a group of people to belong to.

Don't delay speaking to the Head of Year, or whoever has responsibility for pastoral matters. Children's confidence, especially boys, can rapidly deteriorate, making the whole situation beyond them. It isn't - it is so easily solved. One school I know of has a jigsaw club, another has a science teacher who runs a lunch time board game club. They are essentially structured play environments, which sounds like it is just what your son needs. The chances are your son's school has something similar. Speak to the Head of Year and find out what they can do for your son. Transition to secondary is really hard, and unlike when we were children, most schools are switched on to this.

The best advice I ever got was from a Head of Sixth form (at a different school), who said, when I told her of our problems, 'Kids always think they can sort this stuff out themselves, and they never can. Speak to the Head of year and they'll sort it out.'

After a month of dilly dallying, I did go to the Head of Year and they did sort it out. I just wish I had done it sooner.

Very best of luck. But believe me, if you grasp the nettle now, the chances are you will be amazed at what the school can do for you.

(Also, in my experience, secondary schools are miles better at identifying and sorting out bullying.)

Thank you all for easing my troubled mind. I'll see how he's got on today and speak to his form tutor tomorrow to see if there's any clubs. he says they haven't started yet but as you say they might be on a board he doesn't know of.

I know how you feel, DS has been there almost a week and still has no friends. He is intending to join the various clubs when they open but during this induction phase there isn't much on. I hate to think of him walking around on his own but he doesn't seem to care.

I very muich support the encouragement to join clubs. This was very important for my DD who was rather isolated for a while at secondary. When she realised she should join clubs that interest her ( regardless of whether they were 'cool' or not) things improved a lot eg music, library duties, choir. of course for a sporty child there are lots of ops, but it depends on your DS's interests.

Thank you all so much. One week in and so much happier he's found a couple of friends. Things are looking up! Worry over for now