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Secondary education

Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Original poster

"In the first weeks of term, your child may need some help to organise themselves" - what if they refuse help point blank?

26 replies

brassick · 05/09/2010 21:31

DD2 is starting secondary tomorrow (gulp!) and as dd1 has been there 2 years already, I know more or less what to expect.

Dd1 is naturally organised and studious, and hasn't needed too much help to stay on track. Dd2 however, is completely different, and I feel she could do with some input from me & dh to keep her on the right path.

However, she violently resists any intervention. I have tried to keep it low key, and to catch her at the right moment, and am resigned to some rows, and a lot of time being dedicated to her over the next few weeks, but wondered if anyone had any wise words on how to help her without her feeling like I am "being annoying" (which I am apparently a past master at!)

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/09/2010 21:39

maybe you need to just let her find her feet first and see how she goes
let her know you're there if she needs you

Original poster
brassick · 05/09/2010 21:50

I know this might sound really stupid, but I actually didn't think of that.

I've been fretting so much about trying to help her, and not wanting her to make a bad start that I didn't think about taking the "suck it and see" approach.

Perhaps it's time for me to let go...but the control freak in me finds it difficult.

OP posts:
Original poster
brassick · 05/09/2010 22:19

Anyone else got any ideas?

OP posts:
maktaitai · 05/09/2010 22:24

Take it from the most disorganised person on the planet: the ONLY way to truly help a disorganised person is to allow them to feel the consequences of their disorganisation. You can make a few basic provisions (e.g. ensuring that a neighbour has a key/you bury one near the house, so that if she comes home without hers, she can get in; keeping a photocopy of any money-saving passes so that you can get another copy when she loses them, etc etc.

However, while I see your point about a good start, it's MUCH better for her to flounder now, rather than say, in GCSE year.

Also, what does she have that is positive? I am such a klutz that sometimes I am in despair over myself, but tbh if I want to blow my own trumpet, I am intelligent, friendly, open to new ideas, musical etc etc. Praise her good qualities, deal with the inevitable explosions of disorganisation and DON'T COMPARE HER TO HER SISTER. Congratulatiosn to them both on this new stage.

Tortington · 05/09/2010 22:25

gos its not that importnant for acouple of years

as long as she has pe kit, homework diary, tie and lunch money - theres really nothing else to go on about

maktaitai · 05/09/2010 22:29

Oh, also; you could be a bit visible as you organise yourself. You may not even be aware of what you are doing, if you are really organised, but e.g., involve her in planning meals for the week, say out loud 'phone, keys, purse, bag'(for yourself) as you leave the house, ask everyone 'so what are you up to tomorrow' at the dinner table, make a Christmas planning sheet (also on the fridge), just make the mysteries of being organised more obvious. You really have no idea what a gentle fog the disorganised live in, you may feel that your organisational structures are obvious, but to her they may not be.

Yingers74 · 05/09/2010 22:35

brassick, go with maktaitai! I am generally very organised so I know it can be very difficult watching someone be disorganised. I think it is best to largely leave them to it! I had a few very disorganised friends at school but they all survived and did well at school despite always leaving at least one thing at home each day!

Original poster
brassick · 05/09/2010 22:45

One thing I NEVER do is compare her to her sister. They are so different that it never even occurs to me really.

I know it sounds mad, but I find it incredibly stressful dealing with people who are disorganised. Dd is basically a clone of DH, and over the years I have come to terms with the fact that being disorganised is not a choice they've made, but just the way they are.

I always say that dd1 & I plan for life, while life just happens to DH & dd2. This combination of personalities living together can sometimes cause some issues.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 05/09/2010 22:48

I am not sure, my dd2 is starting on Tuesday..

I did tell her today that I will help her for the first half term i she lides and then after that she will need to organise herself as they do need to learn

I would probably be inclind to say what the other poster saud

am here if you need help getting organised if you run onto problems at school

Original poster
brassick · 05/09/2010 22:49

Anyway, I guess I have to let her get on with it, while subtly offering her some strategies to deal with the extra responsibilities of "big school".

Just how I do that when 90% of the time dd2 thinks I am the most annoying person to walk the earth is the difficult part.

OP posts:
Original poster
brassick · 05/09/2010 23:01

Oh, and they do have a bit more to remember than just "pe kit, homework diary, tie & lunch money", as the school doesn't have lockers so they have to remember to take the right books with them for the lessons they are having every day.

Anyway, let's see how we get on...

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ivykaty44 · 05/09/2010 23:02

I am finding it harder with dd2, dd1 coudl walk to school but dd2 is going to a diferent secondary and will have to catch a bus - last week she went for an induction day and on the way home went completly worng direction...

I ell very nervous but am trying to hide it

Original poster
brassick · 05/09/2010 23:10

At least I don't have that worry-the dds will be at the same school & there is a designated bus that brings them to the front door.

Otherwise I think I would be much more apprehensive. Good luck to your dd (& of course to you!)

OP posts:
MmeBlueberry · 06/09/2010 07:04

Brassick,

All you can do is buy her the stationery she needs, eg colour coded folders, and check her school planner regularly.

Let her form tutor do the rest.

AmandaCooper · 06/09/2010 07:15

I'm not surprised she's resistant to you helping out with a problem that's merely anticipated. Be careful you don't knock her confidence. Wait and see how she gets on.

Appletrees · 06/09/2010 07:23

Let her learn. She will get brownie points at school for improvement if she starts badly.

deaddei · 06/09/2010 07:24

I know the feeling- I am very anal and organised, and I literally have to walk away if I see someone doing things "the wrong way" (in my opinion)
Let her sort herself out- she will be pulled up by school if she is not getting work in on time etc....and she may amaze you!!!
Maybe suggest a big planner with what to take in each day- using nice new pens/stickers??

mummytime · 06/09/2010 07:48

Let her organise herself for the first month, then offer to help. (You can help sooner if she asks, but don't take over.)

It is all about letting go.

scaryteacher · 06/09/2010 08:51

I have a very disorganised ds, and have experience as a Year 7 form tutor.

I make sure that ds has packed his bag before he goes to bed each night, so most things should be in there, and chant the litany of brain, lunch card, key, pencil case, planner and willy as we exit the house.

He started Year 10 today fairly organised...it's all downhill from here!

mumeeee · 06/09/2010 11:44

DD3 is 18 and she is still not very organised but she is dyspraxic. Today she started a new course at college but had to go to a differntt campus then she has been for the last two years. She was supposed to be at the campus at 10 I got a frantic phonecall from her saying at 10.20 saying she couldn't find it. She had left on the 9am bus and it usually takes about half an hour to get to college. Anyway I phoned college who then phoned her and told her the way to go she finally got there at 10.35.
I had ofered to lok up th route with her but she insisted that she knew where to go and had asked someone which bus stop to get off at.

sandripples · 06/09/2010 12:55

Brassick - I am also the highly organised one in our family. DS takes after me, then there's my DH and DD! But we need to remember that those less organised have other advantages - they can be more spontaneous and flexible than us for example. So although i find it maddening at times, we mustn't assume that utterly organised is best as it can shut out opportunities at times.

Having said all that, I do think some of the suggestions above are useful. If you keep organising behind someone they never improve on the basics. Organising out loud is a useful idea, as I must admit I tend to organise quietly and get annoyed if people don't read the diary where everything is written down, but keep asking me instead. Mind you I suspect selective hearing would kick in if too much organising out loud went on!

Original poster
brassick · 08/09/2010 13:34

Thought I would give an update.

So far all has gone relatively well (of course it's early days).

We agreed a deadline in the evening for her to have sorted out her bag for the next day - if she hasn't done it by then, then I am "allowed" to remind her. I think (hope) that's a fair compromise.

Homework is not an issue so far, but will try to come to a similar arrangement about reminding her about that.

Am planning on doing a lot of tongue-holding and lip-biting over the days to come...

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Punkatheart · 08/09/2010 15:49

Disorganisation - the trial of our lives. But my daughter is responding far better with me taking a back seat. The urge to control and organise them yourselves is so very tempting. Then I realised that when she went away on school trips she was the tidiest and most organised there. She took a pride in it but when I was yelling at her at home, she dug in her heels.

Now I do praise a lot if she does something great in the way of organisation. But I am aware that the genes may not be good: I used to come home without bits of kit, even my shoes. Every day. My OH is chaotic but manages to hold down a very responsible and organisational job. And now - I am extremely organised, forget very little.

Let go. But yes, try and get them to organise themselves in the evening, not throwing everything together in the morning....

noteventhebestdrummer · 08/09/2010 19:32

scaryteacher...he checks he has his willy???

kid · 08/09/2010 22:03

DD started at secondary school this year and I know she is going to be getting loads of homework (she didn't get any in year 6!)

She made the mistake of not mentioning her first lot of homework which was due in the next day until after she had played out!
While I helped her get started on it, I did ask her who was going to get in trouble if it wasn't completed. She soon got a move on and funnily enough, tonights homework (which isn't due in until the 15th) has been completed already!