Edinburgh private schools + selective mutism

[stargazing1984]

My eldest DC, who is 3 1/2 and will start primary in 2024, has selective mutism. In her case, she is silent and has a blank face when meeting people for the first time and with people she sees rarely. She forms strong bonds with adults she sees frequently but it takes a while. She doesn't have any peer friends yet but does play alongside.

Our local state primary is oversubscribed and I'm worried that large class sizes will be tough for her. DH suggested we look into private schools, which we could just afford, but my worry is that if we show up to any kind of test/interview, she'll be rejected because she will be "blank." She's a very bright kid, great at puzzles, and will talk your ear off once she knows you but you wouldn't get that from meeting her once.

My heart breaks at the idea of her having a tough time in school. Ideally we'd find a school where a clued-in teacher can help build her confidence and she will form bonds within her class.

Any ideas on Edinburgh private schools that are particularly good in areas like this -- with kids who are particularly reserved, or have additional needs? Does anyone else have a kid with SM who is in an Edinburgh primary?

Sorry I dont know anything about Edinburgh schools and I'm not knowledgeable about child development either, but silence around unfamiliar adults can be quite normal at her age I think? On the other hand DS1 went 6 months at nursery aged 4 after the summer holidays not saying a single word to any of the adults or children (having previously talked to them - he went to the nursery when he was 3 as well). He was never diagnosed with anything but I had read about selective mutism and feared he had it which is why your post caught my eye. He just suddenly stopped it one day and transitioned fine to his small state primary. He's 8.5 now and probably one of the quieter children at school but no special needs and coping fine academically and socially.

I can't help with your particular issue but wanted to ask if your daughter was at nursery?

When we applied for private school (Watsons) there was a report that went from the nursery to school - I'm thinking that this will provide an insight to your daughter as she will have developed relationships with key adults there (or will have by the time she goes)

Plus I thinking you spoke to the schools you are interested in then you would be put in touch with the specific learning support staff to have detailed chats about your daughter and why/how the school could support them. I know Watsons have an excellent department and I'm sure the others will likely have them too.

Sorry I can't help specifically with selective mutism but I echo PP in saying speak to the schools you are considering.

I would advise always being open with private schools about any particular difficulties your DC may have and extra support necessary. Most of them will aim to be inclusive as long as they feel they can meet the needs of your DC.

One other thing I would point out as you mention class sizes. Although the private sector has smaller class sizes than state it does vary. At my DDs school junior school has approx 16 in a class, with max size 18. Other private schools have 22-24 as the norm. Just something to consider if that would be an issue.

Small class sizes and a really supportive environment helped my dds hugely who are both enormously shy until you get to know them. Had v similar concerns re entrance tests. PM'd you.

And tbh, I feel primary was key for them, once they are more confident it could be easier to switch back to state later perhaps. The affordability is a key worry - alternatively I'd think hard about moving to an area where the state primary is small, that worked well for a relative.

I can’t speak for any of the other private schools but I wouldn’t touch Watson’s with a barge pole if you have a child with any sort of vulnerabilities. I wouldn’t put any child in Watson’s now, but particularly any child who is not robust and confident (our son did well there). We had a horrific experience with our daughter and ended up pulling her out over safeguarding concerns.

What about Steiner or Montessori? Might suit her.

Thanks everyone for your many helpful and practical comments. It gives me a lot to think about and continue to research.

A few responses:

• That's a shame about Watson's, as I had heard that some felt it was a really supportive environment for different types of kids compared to some other schools eg Heriot's. Sorry you had a very bad experience there, WickedGoodDoge
• Steiner/Montessori wouldn't be right for our family
• SM isn't really like simple shyness or not enjoying chatting with strange adults -- if you had a kid with SM, you would probably know something was a bit off and get a professional to assess (as we did)
• The tip on class sizes is very useful -- I do wish there were some kind of cross-school comparison table to see things like class size for P1 across every private school in an area

What you really want is not just their committed maxes, but what their class sizes have been in reality over the last few years for full information! Admissions ought to be able to provide this although you'd have to do it piece by piece. Mine have been lucky enough to have classes of 14, 15, and my younger one has split teaching in the mornings with groups of 10/11.

Good luck - apologies, mine are always described as shy when they aren't and it's a mix of a lot of other things and it's irritating.

Clifton Hall have a good rep for being a gentle school from a slightly different mould from the other Edinburgh day schools, and good with special needs, though I have no direct experience.

Watson's have a strong learning support department and don't seem at all obsessed with chasing league table success, so I would imagine they definitely wouldn't write off your daughter on the basis of her SM - especially at such a young age and with a report from her nursery. ESMS have much the same atmosphere as Watson's. I'd go and look at/talk to a few. You'll very soon get a feeling for where you feel your daughter will be most welcomed and supported. Beware of assuming that class sizes are always much smaller than in state, though - they're not always! Though if your local primary is bursting at the seams that may be different. You won't get classes of 15 etc though unless you go to one of the more expensive, boarding-oriented schools.

One of my DC has selective mutism, and came across exactly as your daughter does. We looked at both state and private for primary (we're in England), and it was the state option who welcomed him with open arms and the indie who didn't know how best to help him. He has flourished and is now hard to shut up in situations where he feels comfortable! Are there state primary schools near you that have smaller classes, maybe one in a rural area just outside the city?

It's heartbreaking and a big worry I know, but there will be a school that's just right for her, it just may not be the one you expect!

Watson's have a strong learning support department…

Unrelated to our horrific lack of safeguarding experience, we also had a very poor experience with the support for learning department. Our DD was supposed to get an additional 25% extra time for one of her exams. In her Higher prelim, she did not get this additional time. Other pupils with the same start time were allowed in but she was refused with no explanation given. She became upset and was messaging us while we tried to get hold of the school to find out what was going on. Eventually she was let in but did not get any of the additional time. This completely threw her- I know you could argue she should have been able to just adapt, but with everything else going on at that time (serious safeguarding issues) it was the last thing she needed.

When we emailed the support for learning department (at her teacher’s urging as she had no idea there had been an issue), we were completely brushed off. We were first told there was flexibility in the start time for the full class (not relevant as this was about her additional time, the main exam started on time), then that other pupils will have had other start times and that she would have been admitted at her allocated time (despite our having both the copy of her allocated time and timestamped messages from her showing she wasn’t admitted).

We just wanted reassurance that the issues wouldn’t happen at the real exam as sorry about this was causing further stress, but were completely brushed off and effectively told it didn’t happen. Unfortunately, that was our experience with the school- if things go well, all is grand, but if things go wrong, the school doubles down and goes into full denial mode.

Regarding class sizes @stargazing1984 what we did was make sure we went to an Open day which was on an ordinary school day (Alternatively you can arrange a tour separately to the usual Saturday morning open days).
I did a quick headcount in each classroom we were shown.

Wickedgooddoge- I'm sorry to read of your experiences at Watsons. Whilst my dc do not need Learning Support, my 'experience' of LS comes from friends who's kids have done well and thrived under the LS system at Watsons but clearly individuals will have entirely different journeys at school - be it under LS or not.

OP - you need to visit and speak with the range of schools (private/state/whatever) that you are interested in/recommended. Ask for face to face meetings, try to arrange to visit schools, and not necessarily on open days to gauge a feel. Your gut will quickly tell you if the environment feels right.

I would also recommend posting on a FB site called EGG (Edinburgh Gossip Girls - if you're not familiar with this.) Don't let the name put you off. It has a massive membership and you can post anon via the admin to ask the same question, and you will get a lot more traction there than in this group.