Legal Separation advice PLEASE?

[52andblue]

I did post a few months ago sorry but it's changed since then...

Married 20 years.
2 kids aged 13 and 16. Both Autistic, both get DLA. I'm also physically disabled. During the marriage H has worked in a manual job earning approx 28K. I have looked after the kids and house. I have tried to work at various times but due to his shifts / not wanting to take care of kids / their / my health needs I have worked very little outside the house. I am now a Carer for my younger child (high care needs) and live on Income Support etc
4.5 yrs ago we agreed i'd move out 'temporarily' with kids (SN and seemed better facilities for them 50 miles away? It ended up being 4 years but now schools have changed & and H and I agreed kids best back in original location). But during this time 'away' I paid all my bills and no maintenance of any kind was paid. He paid all of the joint mortgage cost (£250pcm) and lived in the house. We didn't visit, he didn't ever have the kids.
Things have changed for the kids. Now its better for them to move back. We agreed this would be okay. He has moved out and all bills are now solely in my name as 'he needs to pay for his flat'. We had agreed that we would draw up a Separation Agreement to allow me to stay in the house in perpetuity (kids will need to live at home much longer than average) and he would pay maintenance. Only, I'm back, bills in my name and he's backtracking. Apparently I can now 'have the house OR maintenance'. There is NO equity in house (recently valued).

I appreciate I may have been stupid, but I am where I am.

I appreciate also that I need to speak to a lawyer but that is difficult during the school holidays. Does anyone have any thoughts please? Am I in a good position as he moved out of his own accord a month before I came back or am I just saddled with bills and he can walk in whenever he wants? I'm tempted to say: 'House not maintenance' but I don't know if that is wise? I cannot live with him again as he is prone to be aggressive to me and that affects the kids.

I am not a lawyer but I am separated. Maintenance and the house are two separate things.
He has a statutory responsibility to pay maintenance, so he does not get to pick or choose. You can calculate this between you using the CMS calculator
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance
And the website will also tell you how to apply if he is not willing to reach a private agreement.

If there is no equity in the house, then there is nothing to be gained by selling it and no need for you to buy him out. Normally you would need to split any assets from the marriage 50:50. So anything else (savings etc) would be taken into account. However, if there are no assets, nothing to be split. But it is still your marital home, so I think he will still need to sign it over to your sole name because otherwise he retains a right to it. I don’t think it matters that he has moved out, as technically you are still married and it is your marital home.

The good thing is that you may well qualify for Legal Aid which will allow you to get legal advice and properly find out where you stand. Can you manage to speak to a lawyer on the phone even?

Hi @KatySun - thank you for replying x

You've got the gist of it, yes.
He says he doesn't want to live with me as 'I'm a nightmare and the kids are too stressful' but he doesn't really want to sign the house over or pay me maintenance. He just wants to turn up if and when it suits (he was invited on Christmas Day, turned up at 2pm, walked out on some manufactured excuse 90mins later after he'd stuffed himself with Christmas Dinner (I was trying to be 'welcoming' re the kids). Never again. He is really selfish and always has been. So, from my point of view he's either a reliable part of the family, or he pays maintenance. The house is old, crumbly, no equity and it's an interest only mortgage due in 8 years with no repayment plan but he's starting to make out that I am trying to cheat him out of Chatsworth.

I did call a couple of local lawyers but they told me there is no Legal Aid for Separation / Divorce and were not terribly helpful. I'm rural and they were men so maybe I need to go into Edinburgh & find a woman?

I'll echo, he doesn't get to choose whether to pay cms. Is he paying anything towards the mortgage? If that's a no then you should simply seek child support through official channels (might need slightly different agency for Scotland). Selling your house is irrelevant if no equity but you might need a solicitor to plainly explain this to him! As part of your divorce the house needs to be legally transferred to avoid future issues.

The bad news is that on £28k he won't be paying you much, but it's the principle really. If he was hands on and helpful then not seeking payment might make sense but he's anything but.

I have lots of sympathy, I have my adult asd dd living with me, at least her dad doesn't quibble about money but some days I just wish he would have her live with him!

He reckons CM should be around £355 a month.
I've had nothing for 4.5 years because 'he's been paying my half of the (£250) mortgage'. He doesn't pay for anything no. when we were still living together I was using my DLA to pay for food / kids stuff as he was protective of 'his' bank account. I've been stupid to allow him to treat me with such disrespect for SO long but it's been hard, bringing them up myself (he'd walk out if they 'annoyed him')

Did they mean there is no legal aid for family law or they do not take legal aid cases? If you go to the Scottish Legal Aid Board, it has information for applicants and in the civil legal assistance leaflet, divorce and other matters affecting families and children is listed.
www.slab.org.uk/new-to-legal-aid/

If you look on the Find A Solicitor section of the website, under type of legal aid assistance, family - divorce and separation is also a category. You are right that most of these seem to be in the central belt. There is also an eligibility calculator so you can see if you qualify. You probably will have to travel though as legal aid is under-resourced, but it is worth a try.

I didn’t qualify for legal aid so I am just going by the website. I think Women’s Aid or the Scottish Rights of Women might also be able to provide some information, as it is financial abuse on his part.

I would be surprised if CM is £355 a month on 28k, though (or else my ex is under-paying, which is of course quite possible). Don’t call yourself stupid either, when you are fire-fighting the daily stresses of bringing up children, especially when there are additional needs, you just try to get through. He is the idiot for not supporting you.

@KatySun

thanks for further info - very helpful x
I was told I would qualify for Legal Aid (as I am on Income Support which 'tops up' my Carer's Allowance) but that this doesnt cover reaching a financial settlement with him, only domestic violence stuff. But as I say that was a couple of rural male lawyers who sounded very disinterested anyway.
Travelling is difficult as I can't leave the kids. H has them for maybe 4 days a year, if that. No weekends / evenings. But I need to try to get this sorted for my own peace of mind.
Yes, the 'stupid' remark is not helpful and thank you for your kind words. He calls me that all the time. The reason I left is that he started to call both kids that too. He's a mess himself and that gets vomited all over me but started to affect the kids too so we could never all live together again anyway.

Well I've not managed to get an appointment with a lawyer yet.
He has taken to 'dropping round to see the kids' most days in the summer holidays. The house has a basement with a separate entrance and I'm making them a den down there (for gaming etc, they are teens) so he could do so there but no. He's just walked in the front door and made himself a cup of tea and wandered into the lounge with the biscuit barrel (I had nodded off on the sofa I've not been well). When I sat up and asked him what he thought he was doing I got: 'oh, I suppose you want a cup of tea too?'.
I said, No, I want a Divorce now. He replied: 'well there's a problem with that'. Turns out his driving licence is with the DVLA (he doesnt have a passport) so he 'can't do anything'. Lots of huffing and puffing. I said: 'it's not been with them for the 8 weeks I've been moved back and its standard to prove your ID to a lawyer as you know' (he tried to buy a flat in his own name last year & wanted me to give him money)
He started shouting that I 'didn't understand'. I said I understood that he had looked after the kids for a total of 2 x 4 days over the last 2 years. He lives 8 miles away and has not even had them round for tea in the entire holidays. I am waiting on emergency dental treatment that I've had to cancel today as Dd not well and I can't leave her.
He said: 'I'm not listening to this crap' and walked out. I put my hand on the front door handle and he knocked it off quite hard to get out (I wasn't trying to prevent him leaving we just reached for it at the same time). If I go straight for a Divorce will it cost more? I've had enough. I'm not here to provide a free tea & biscuits setting for him to moan about his work day 'see the kids' each day for the rest of my life whilst he lives elsewhere and never looks after them or pays maintenance!!

I get legal aid - they’ve had me in tears today - it’s not plain sailing with them.

My experience has been “mixed”, but I’ve found a WONDERFUL woman in Perth who is now handling my divorce. If that’s of any use to you, drop me a line and I’ll send you her details. Honestly, she achieved more in 2 hours than the previous one had managed in a year…

THANK YOU @AlphabetAerobics, I'll PM you.
I'm in the Borders so I don't know if she'd take me on but the few around here I've called all seem to be older males & not v sympathetic. Or it's Edinburgh lawyers at Edinburgh prices, yikes...