Where to start to find father?

[Trichford]

Hiya

My husbands mother passed away suddenly at the end of February. She never did tell him who his father was and now he feels he will never know. I feel awful for him not knowing who his father is!
Does anyone have any clue where to even start? Without even a first name I have no idea!

Thanks

Private detective, birth records, talking to friends and family from the time of conception? Why did she keep it secret?

Friends mother in law was left in the same boat.

You could try tracking down friends or relatives of his mum who knew her at the time?

In the above case, it appears there was no boyfriend around at the time so they had to conclude it was either a one night stand or rape situation. Her mother always avoided the subject.

Would one of these genetic testing things help? It might identify potential relatives on his father's side?

She was born in Australia to Glaswegian parents and moved back to Glasgow when her mother was ill and passed away she was only around 5 or 6 and was left with just her father.
She was pregnant with my husband or had just given birth to him when she married a guy and had two girls with him. She passed him off as my husbands dad until my husband found out as a teenager.
She just refused to tell him, I even asked her myself over the years but all we ever got was that she wanted to check him out first. It became a subject that just wasn't spoken about.
She was 17 when she had him and I thought maybe it had been a one night stand and she was embarrassed to say?
Their relationship had been patchy and he had been in and out of care etc until we met and he lived with me and my family at 15.
It was only really since 2016 they got in a better place and were in regular contact.
She was really private and secretive, we don't really know anything of her life before she married and had the girls.
Her own father who is still alive doesn't really know much either.

Sorry for the long post!

Through using the Ancestry website and Dna testing, we have managed to find out some relatives we never knew we had - worth a go?

If you've literally got nothing to go on and there's no correspondence in her personal effects I think that your only hope is one of those ancestry type DNA tests that matches you with relatives. I think some people upload their family trees too so you can see more than the people who have done a DNA test. Hopefully he'd get some matches that don't fit his mum's side and could extrapolate from that.

ancestry DNA

Ancestry DNA test. Does he have any half siblings? If he does and one of them would also test, it would be easy to sort the maternal/paternal matches. Lots of (free) help available when you have the results.

Ancestry DNA is good start

Thanks for the responses,
It seems ancestry dna would be a good route to start!
He has his two sisters who are obviously his half sisters and since his mum passed his younger brother has moved in with us. He only turned 17 at the end of January so he has him too who is a half sibling.
Her youngest didn't even know my husband had a different dad to the girls until the zoom meeting with the celebrant before the funeral! He came away from that meeting saying that there was so much about his mum that he didn't even know about.

Would your husband be able to cope with finding out it was a rape situation?
I would think long and hard about the possible outcomes before going on Ancestry or anything like that.

If both he and a half sibling do a test he can ignore any results that match both fof them, would help narrow it down.

But yes, be very aware of all the implications of finding out as PP said. Not just potentially finding out there were distressing circumstances of some sort, but there's a strong chance that the father or his family may not want to know and could be very upset or angry - could he cope with that?

I just spoke to him, it's not a subject we talk about a lot it only comes up now and then.
He says he remembers when his sisters dad gave him his birth certificate ( the guy passed off as his dad). He said I don't know who the guy is but your grandad does.
He never mentioned that to me before, I asked if he had asked his grandad before and he never had. Again he isn't in regular contact with him.
We are due to visit at some point when restrictions lift and I think he will ask him, whether he tells him is another story.
Surely if his sisters dad says his grandad knows who it is then it may not have been rape?
Such a murky situation, I can't imagine not knowing where I came from.

I'd go with the Ancestry DNA too. Their database is huge , and it shows up every person who could be related to you, and how close the relationship is. At the very least he might find siblings which would be enlightening for him. Good luck.

Yeah we get the implications and have spoke about it before. He's 33 with three kids of his own, he not looking for a "father figure".
I don't even know if he would attempt contact, I think he just would like a name?

Thank you

I will tell him about ancestry dna and see what he thinks and feels about it all!

I'd also consider the possibility of incense. He really might not like the answer he gets (if he gets one) but I think it's his right to know if he wants to. Whilst his mum maybe had her reasons and those may have been painful , I think it's cruel to deny a child knowing about their beginning, even if it's done with the best of intentions.

@WaxOnFeckOff I had thought of that possibility too. I agree that everyone has the right to know.
She never kept in touch with any family members apart from my husband, one of his sisters and obviously her youngest.
I really feel for my brother in law that's come to live with us.
His own dad passed away when he was only 9 so apart from his mum and his gran (his dads mum) he really has no other family.
He's really confused and keeps asking me about his mums side of the family and who he has left etc, I just don't have the answers for him.

I think you have to tell your bil he has you and your husband, always and forever (assuming you feel like that of course). And repeat. That is an awfully young age to feel alone.

Good luck to your husband too. I hope he gets some answers.

@ForeverInADay thank you! Yeah we have told him he always has a home with us. He is sharing with our son at the moment but builders are due to start asap to make him his own space.
Just been a complete whirlwind tbh, it was literally hours between her being taken away in an ambulance to her dying. She was only 50!

@Trichford He is truly fortunate to have you both. Don't underestimate what a huge difference your care will have on his life. You both sound amazing.

Re you husband, providing he is resilient enough to cope if anything not so positive comes out about his father then he should go ahead and see what he can find out.