Any family lawyers out there?

[BloodyMiserable]

I'm in a relationship (cohabitation) which broke down last due to his infidelity & mental health issues - we have 2DC (primary age).

We are still living under the same roof & it's really taking it's toll on me - I am really struggling at the moment eg sleeping, concentration.

With my share of the equity, I will be unable to buy anywhere locally. He is a high earner & wants to stay in the house & take over the role of primary carer, even though he barely engages with them, spending all his time in the spare room.

He is becoming increasingly manipulative (eg refusing to agree a timetable for childcare drop-offs then changing at last minute, collecting before me when he knows I have left work to collect).

I can't realistically continue like this. But I don't have the money for courts etc. I've already spent about £1000 on solicitors & am now further forward.

I am seriously thinking of just leaving with the kids & going to another town. He will never agree to this - I've told him I can not afford to stay locally - rents are £1000+ monthly & buying > 250K (my budget is 220 max)

What would a court likely say/do if I can't hack it any longer & want to leave with DC?

Didn't want to see your post go unanswered but don't have any real advice for you.

Would Women's Aid or a local refuge or domestic violence unit be able to advise you? Or at least point you in the right direction.

In Scotland you can move away to anywhere in the uk - it does not need to be “agreed”. So if it’s cheaper to live in Falkirk than the royal mile he can suck it up!

He is abusing you right now with this gaslighting and control bollocks - so you’ve every right to make use of WA.

But re-read my first sentence. It’s one of the few things Scottish law does right by women.

You could try www.scottishwomensrightscentre.org.uk/i-need-help/

Your solicitor has probably explained that a court won’t say anything unless your partner actually raises an action. The court will expect you to try and sort this out yourselves in the first instance, attending mediation if necessary. To be clear, I am not a lawyer, but have had a contested divorce case. So what I am saying is just drawing from my own experience.

While mediation is not recommended where there is abuse, in practice (in my experience) the courts still expect it and it falls to the victim to demonstrate why this is not appropriate. Again, in my experience, unless you are on legal aid or you can afford to go to a full proof hearing, it is prohibitively expensive to go to court and get a final order, because the courts are reluctant to make them. So you can end up with a couple of child welfare hearings and being referred off to mediation anyway

So deep breaths, I think. Lots of men make threats about going for residence as a means of control but in practice, unless they already are the main carer or you are negligent, then it is not a realistic or likely outcome. The courts will expect you to start with the well-being of the children. Unless the children are at risk from their father (and even to some extent if they are and that risk can be mitigated), the courts will expect both parents to be involved in the children’s lives. What residence and contact arrangements would work for them? Would they have to change schools and make new friends? Would you have support in the new place? If you can think through the practicalities and have a clear idea what is in the children’s best interests, then it becomes easier to see a way through.

All the best

You cannot actually move anywhere in the U.K. - I know someone whose ex took her to court to stop her from moving to Leeds. You cannot just up and move, without consulting the other parent and considering how parenting for both parents will work.

Pretty hard to prove unreasonable behaviour to move to a place where you can afford the rent, that is within reasonable travelling distance. Is this a town you’d have other support in also? Like friends, family?

Thanks for the replies so far.

He will not agree to me moving & says it is in the children's best interest to stay in the same area with their friends & go to the same school - knowing full well I cannot afford this.

Realistically I'd need to move near work, where I don't know anyone & nor do the kids - but I couldn't get them to their current school & back from there.

I would ideally like to move back near family (there is none where we currently live) but would need to get a job first (probably not realistic).

I have put us down for mediation but I think the lists are long.

I'm due to speak to my solicitor on Monday & see what she suggests.

I want to avoid courts, as he is a liar & manipulator. I've been keeping a diary about his lack of interaction with them but I guess that will count for nothing.

He will not agree to me moving & says it is in the children's best interest to stay in the same area with their friends & go to the same school - knowing full well I cannot afford this.

If he thinks it’s so important for them to have consistency, he’ll be happy to ensure maintenance payments to fund you (and then) remaining in the area? No? Thought not?

Definitely not @Jellycatspyjamas - he can just buy me out, right at the top of mortgage affordability- but couldn't pay maintenance on top of that - hence his motivation for 50-50!

Work out what you want to do for your kids for the best and ask the lawyer to help with that strategy. Moving back near family if it’s reasonable travelling distance doesn’t seem outlandish when you’ve got an unreliable abusive ex and a lack of other support. The job situation near family totally impossible?

My family live about an hour away, so contact arrangements would be EOW for him.

Unfortunately I work in a specialised area of a small profession and jobs are few & far between.

At the moment I feel like going off sick & using the time to relocate & try to get some locum work over there. I am rarely off sick & have kept going under the most awful circumstances for the last year. But I think the time is coming.

I know that family mediation won't work (because he has a very fixed viewpoint & can't compromise) but I have to go through the process. Have already had financial mediation & it was a waste of time as he just used it to reiterate his viewpoint.

The fundamental of it is that he won't recognise that the children would be impacted by their primary carer moving away. And thinks I can magic money out of nowhere to stay here.

Incidentally, he has not one single friend here (I have loads) and no family either. But he's trying to push me out of their lives.

Trust your instincts - he sounds a horrible specimen indeed. Locum work doesn’t seem a crazy plan to me. Do call some of those numbers to get extra advice on your rights.

You need to see a lawyer. The law is not clear cut but it would certainly be frowned upon if you just upped and left with the children and could result in them being returned to him.

@WouldBeGood - I know I cannot unilaterally move the children; however he will not agree to it.

We have not been able to agree for a year so far. I've tried to apply for full-time jobs elsewhere but he won't agree for me to move with the kids, or move himself closer to where we are staying.

And I can't buy until I come off the title deeds. I can't afford to rent on my part tome salary.

So I am utterly stuck; and he knows it.

He wants me out the family home, unable to house myself locally & he will take over the role of primary carer.

The only person who can help you with it is a family lawyer. I hope you get something sorted out, I know from experience how difficult it is.

OP how did you get on with the Family Lawyer 🌺

Thanks for asking; my solicitor has written to his, reiterating my position.

It's so frustrating as we have been having these conversations for a year & no further forward. He just seems to think I can increase my budget by 50k or more to stay locally.

Or that I'll just walk out on my kids.

Im glad you've spoken to a Lawyer, they will do your talking for you now 🌺

I'm just worried that I end up renting (as is looking increasingly likely) and can't pay £1000+ pcm in the long term.

I have a feeling that the lawyers will think that is reasonable though 😩

OP here, under a name change.

A job has come up in my home town so I'm going to apply for it.

Due to speak to my solicitor tomorrow; I found out that he is starting to discredit my parenting - saying I am "erratic" - this is absolutely not true - I am working, getting them to school on time, cooking, doing play dates, taking to hobbies/activities etc. They are well cared for, I am not drinking, doing drugs etc.

He announced the other day that he was on his way to school to pick them up (on my day off when it is agreed I have them).

I never though he would step so low, or be so utterly awful as to lie & manipulate about that.

I put our names down for family mediation in August, so will see what happens.

But we have had solicitor-led mediation already & it failed.

Maybe that will count (rather than family) & I can tick that box.

I just need to get away from him.

You don't owe him a thing. Can you speak to women's aid? Might be able to advise on options. You should get a council house? If you get a job in your hometown could you stay with family until one comes up?

Also keep a diary of everything he's doing.

Thanks @Scotslassie1 - I can't stay with family unfortunately (illness with my parents, can't really say as outing). But I could afford to rent/buy nearby.

I will speak with my solicitor tomorrow & see if woman's aid can help.

I've already spoken with the child family law centre. Following their advice & keeping a diary - have been for the last 6 months as he spends all his time in his bedroom & barely engages with them.

Yesterday he swore at DS who was upset & crying as a result.

The school were made aware of the issue earlier in the year. I made it clear I was planning to leave & acknowledged it was my role to get them out of an unhappy home life.

He will never let me go & make everything as difficult as possible.

If he upsets your DS again ( and he will) I'd change the locks and tell him to bolt and if he doesn't, get a restraining order.

I would let you stay at mine if you were near/ allowed. I feel your pain but I'm sure that even in six months time you'll be in a much better position. Stay strong.