SAHP of older children

[ThatDearBrickFish]

Hi,

I'm a sahp of two children age 10&12. I became a sahp/carer just under 3 and a half years ago. It was a decision my husband and I made based on a number of factors: relocation/demands of husbands job/increasing needs of our autistic child. I didn't intend for it to go on for as long as it has but I do still see myself returning to work in a few years time.

Anyone here a SAHP of older children?

Why?

What do your days and weeks look like?

What helps you thrive?

I was a SAHM until my youngest started secondary. I had 4 with 5 years between oldest and youngest. We could afford for me to do this. We realised that me working would not work with school drop and pick ups appointments and sickness. Usually when one was ill the rest would follow so could take a while for them all to get over it. I volunteered at their primary school.

I gave up my job working in local government to be a SAHP for my DS now aged 15 and Ds13.

DS1 has significant SEN and anxiety and during covid became suicidal. I was working in child protection and DH and I agreed it was mad me working all hours trying to protect other peoples children when ours was on suicide watch. DH is not as patient as me and was semi-retired at the time so he went back to work and the decision was that i would focus on the Dcs until Ds1 was through his GCSEs. It's worked so brilliantly well that I'm not going back to work and will see both children through to the end of their schooling.

I feel so grateful and lucky every single day. Ds1 has so many medical appointments and just being able to take him and sort things out is the most enormous luxury that I thank my lucky stars for every day.

Losing my salary has been hard of course, but DH returning to work full time mitigated it a bit. We are down about £20,ooo gross per year which isn't to be sneezed at. I do the occasional ad hoc work when I can, just to keep my foot in the door.

Oh and my days....

Up at 6 am. Wake DCs at 6.30. Breakfast, sort them out. leave for school (12 mile drive away but in busy traffic) at 7.20. Home around 9 am. I sort out the house until about 1 pm then get the dinner on. Then I relax until 3.15 when i go and pick the Dcs up, usually home around 5.10. Dinner on the table at 6 pm. Then I sit with both of them while they do their homework. DS1 in particular needs alot of support with his homework. Finish around 8.30. Then i tidy the ktichen, sort out uniforms etc and whatever needs to be done. Also life admin- I do our taxes and pay bills etc. Bed around 10 pm.

What helps me thrive- well I am a home body and adore being with my family. I have a dog walking appointment with a friend once a week or so. I belong to a bookclub and we meet every 6 weeks. I love the cinema as do the DCs and we go about twice a month. My parents and sister / BIL live abroad and I like planning a visit to see them once a year for about a week. My life is quite fulfilling but not that exciting at the moment- but this is the phase of life I'm in now. I adore cooking and have alot of fun with that.

@CanISeeYourLicence

A lot of that resonates with me. I was a teacher and I was getting my studets through GCSEs and A Levels (with jolly good grades I might add) whilst my own child was unable to even read or access school. It's really hard when you are able to deliver at work whilst watching your home life fall to pieces. I felt stretched very thin.

My child is now in a special school and we are starting to navigate the early days of adolescence with an autistic child. His younger brother has his own struggles and qualifies as a young carer. They are both at different schools and that will remain the case for the rest of their school lives. At the moment they are on child in need plans so we regularly meet with SW, have regular pediatrician appts, meetings with school, a weekly speech therapy for oldest (we have it at home as he doesn't cope with her going in to school) and a weekly tutor for youngest.

I find there is great value in me being a calmer more regulated adult for all other members of the family. Being able to be there for the wobbles/sick days/curveball moments/appointments is great. But the compromise is reduced income and loss of the fulfilment that work can bring. However, on balance I value the calm and consistency being a SAHP brings for this season. I really hope to go back to work at some point though.

I haven't embraced the acronym before but I am a SAHM to a 12 year old with Autism and other challenges.

SAH Parent Carer maybe? I will come back and say more but didn't want to lose your thread@ThatDearBrickFish.