SAHMs... what do you expect from your husbands?

[tillylula]

Just as title says really..

If you are a stay at home mum, what do you expect your husband to pitch in with? Things like morning/evening routine with the kids, cooking, cleaning, shopping ect...

Anything that needed doing when he was at home.

I'm not meaning leaving everything to when he is home... but for example one person clearing up dinner things while other did bath time, sharing weekend extra curricular driving, taking turns cooking.

He also used to do all the online admin tasks on his lunch break.

I was a SAHM ..But in the early 80s..
My husband did all the DIY..
Emptying bins.. servicing the car and our Motorbikes.
Decorating and cleaning the windows ... doing the garden...he paid the bills etc ( we didn't have rent/ mortgage.. inherited our house).
I did the cooking / cleaning and looking after our daughter ( she was EBF for 3 years ..weaned at 8 months)..he was a university lecturer.

Are your children young/ not yet at school or nursery?

Less now the kids are at school. DH cooks one day at the weekend, other than that I
cook so can eat as a family as soon as he finishes work. He does 50% of bedtime, a few odd jobs and does stuff that he sees need doing eg put washing away. Morning routine, he makes sure the kids have brush their teeth, he empties the dishwasher and does the drinks bottles for the day. He cleans up after dinner around 30% ish. Does his 50% of childcare, clubs and home work at weekends.

Depends on the number of children, ages and care needs, health, job requirements, spare time available etc etc.

A sahm with a chronic illness and 3 dc under 5s is not going to able to do as much as a sahm with 3 dc in school.

A dh working 60+ hours week is not going to be as available as one working 35 hours.

When I was a stay at home mum, my husband was self employed and worked very long hours. He paid for everything as my only income was my child benefit, which was spent on our daughter. I didn't expect him to do anything apart from some DIY jobs which I didn't feel competent tackling.

I was a SAHM for a while and I expected my husband to pitch in 50/50 with anything that needed doing outside working or commuting hours. We agreed that essentially me being a SAHM was a job like his, so any hours he was working then so was I. I took a lunch break like he did (when baby was napping) but other than that, I was either doing childcare or housework. When my son was in nursery, I spent the day “working” on chores and errands etc. Then once he was home, everything was shared equally. That was also our status quo during my maternity leave- everything shared equally outside working hours including night wakings etc.

It worked for us because he knew I was doing my best during those working hours, rather than leaving things deliberately for him to do. We also made sure we had equal amounts of free time. So when my son was at nursery 3 days, I had a day to myself because the chores didn’t take 3 full days. My husband got roughly the equivalent number of hours to himself each week, although he didn’t take it as a whole day.

I do all the cooking/ cleaning/ child admin/ laundry / general house running, and am default childcare eg sick days / up at night.

he does 50% of the childcare from when he is home, so helps with breakfast / getting ready for nursery, some days will do nursery drop off, and when home helps with their dinner/ bath / general chaos. They are 4&2 so both being hands on during witching hour / bedtime makes a big difference. I’d be resentful if he was home but not helping.

General things that need doing such as if we needed to catch up on cleaning on a day or weekend, bins, bed times etc. It just depends. I did 95% but sometimes you get behind for one reason and another. I now work longer hours and he does school pick up, we've ended up swapping 'roles' though I still do all the admin.

I have a 5yo in school, 3 yo and 1yo. My husband is reasonable paid and works from home. Always seems to ache somewhere and after work will sit at computer or phone until 1am except bed time. I've asked him to help more with atleast after dinner reading to kids and helping get pj's on. I just wondered if I was asking too much.

All cooking cleaning errands done by me except if we need milk ect from shop

DH makes the kids breakfast, he does bedtime. He is in charge of laundry and tidying in the evening, especially the kitchen which I tend to leave a mess!

Sounds like he’s not pulling his weight tbh. When both of my kids were still pre-school age he would drop everything when he walked in from work and we were 50/50. I sometimes needed to ask for a wash to be put on/washing put away/dishwasher to be emptied but it all got done and he appreciated how hard my job was at home with both of them.

He’s also always done all household paperwork/admin. Your DH sounds like he needs to pull his finger out.

I normally get to sleep in longest as I need my sleep more than him...that means if the baby is up at 5am then it's him who gets up. He will bring me a cup of tea in bed an hour or so later and normally the three kids will get into bed for a cuddle too! If it was a bad night with the baby or my DH feels very tired he goes back to bed for a bit. Normally he will have done breakfast for whoever wanted it. If not then I finish up. Then we tag team getting ready and getting the kids ready.

In terms of during the day I do all kid related stuff. If my DH is wfh then he helps a bit like eg getting the kids loaded into the car or putting the baby down for a nap if he isn't on a call. After he finishes work we tag team bedtime. More often than not DH cooks but I do all the meal planning and shopping for it. Generally I put all washing on but DH normally puts away. I do all extra jobs in the house like cleaning windows, hoovering and tidying up after kids meals most of the time..we have a cleaner 2 hours a week who also helps me stay on top of the cleaning. DH cleans but only the odd bit when I ask him to. DH probably unloads the dishwasher more than me. He does the bins mostly...but sometimes does forget!

I do all kids activities, birthday presents, plan parties, meal plan and shop (as mentioned). I buy all kids clothes and do changeovers of old clothes etc. I will do any sorting or organising required. I garden (to a limited extent lol). I am mainly responsible for cats and chickens but DH feeds in the morning. I generally also plan all holidays and social activities for the whole family. I plan and organise all house related decorating etc. DH organises insurance and bills. He does a bit of DIY/jobs when encouraged by me! Tip runs are his responsibility.

My husband has appointments out but also does some WFH. He does the food shop. If he is WFH he will help me get the kids dressed. I mean literally throw the clothes on one while I do the other. He will walk to school with us and take one in while I take the other. It's a big school and their classrooms are about 5 minutes walk apart. If he's home in the afternoon he might do the same to get away from his computer for a bit. He never takes a lunch break so he likes a break. If he's at home he will do the bedtime story. I do the baths, dressing but he'll read while I tidy away. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry , admin, appointments, mow lawn, take bins out, DIY ( that I can't get my dad to do for me) . I did every waking night when the kids were little even when my youngest was waking hourly.