I think I need to ‘chill out’ about stuff - any tips on how please?

[Bestofbothworlds19]

I’ve always been someone who wants to aim for perfection at whatever they do. I was like it in any job I did before I had children and since having them I seem to be so focused on being the best mum I can and giving them what I hope is a wonderful childhood (age 3 and 1). I’ve realised I take things so seriously and perhaps make things be more of an issue than they are. I’m always being advised by family to ‘go with the flow’ and ‘what will be will be’. I’m the main parent as my husband works away and is home every couple of weeks for a weekend so it’s all on me a lot of the time which probably doesn’t help with me being consumed by motherhood. That and I’m exhausted from being woken every 1-2 hours for the last four years nearly. I’ve come across people on social media (I’m aware they’ll be putting out the persona they want to) and parents at playgroups who laugh off certain things to do with being a parent when they’d send me into a spin (children being unwell, drowning in laundry, juggling schedules, nap times). What can I do/think/practice to be more ‘chilled’? Like most parents, my children are my priority and I adore them but I think I need to try ‘chilling out’ about some things for the sake of my mental health. Are there any books/podcasts/accounts I can follow that will help in that sense? Or just any words of wisdom please?

No words of advice unfortunately. But definitely solidarity... I feel the exact same way and am in a similar situation to you. My two are 4 & 7 months old & my husband is not around much to help so the whole burden falls on me and I definitely obsess about a lot of things when it comes to parenting. Hopefully someone more chilled can give us some tips.

Yoga? Meditation? Having fun day to day

I can be the same. I find following 'non-perfect' mums on Insta helps (@ diaryofanhonestmom is my fave!) and like you said, the awareness that we normally see 'fun' snapshots. I laugh about DS getting a bad nights sleep because it relieves tension when talking about it - you'd better believe I'm not laughing at 2am when he won't sleep 😂

I’m exactly the same so can’t help I’m afraid but also looking for some words of wisdom!

Don’t sweat the small stuff - so what if occasionally there’s a stain on their clothes or they skip a bath or stay up late or plaster your favourite Clinique lipstick all over their new build-a-bear (can you tell that one hurt me!)

And pick your battles - some things just really, really do not matter in the grand scheme of life.

Both clichés, but being a happy and relaxed mum makes for a better childhood than having to appear perfect all the time.

I mainly think that DS will be fine and the vast majority of people manage to raise functioning kids who have perfectly nice childhoods so why should I be any different?

But I also don't think everything should revolve around my child. Yes, his needs are paramount but I always did stuff for myself too and viewed my needs (and indeed wants) as important too. For me, being fulfilled in other areas of my life makes me a more present parent. Aside from the obvious, like food, what DS needs most in the world is my unconditional love.

Argh when you're doing it on your own that is hard. I do sympathise...its so hard. Mine were 3 and 1 in 2020 and to say 'you have to laugh or you'd cry' basically defined the time I nearly lost my mind and spread so thin that I wasn't doing a good job of anything and making myself ill. Sounds like you're a very conscientious person. It can be a case of trying to learn that it's ok to cut a few corners, lower standards a little, decide what's important. Don't worry about screen time. I stay away from any idealistic social media or depressing news or dark TV shows. I've never even been able to watch Motherhood because it's too close to the bone! I enjoy following insta 'Big Time Adulting', she's funny but keeps things real. I also like to listen to guided meditations and positive affirmations asmr e.g YouTube 'GraceV', 'Gentle Whispering' anything that is a bit mindless but uplifting at the same time. Simple shows such as Gilmore Girls.

Hmm. Im quite chilled about a lot I think or certainly not a perfectionist when it comes to parenting. Im not sure I feel it's even a choice though, I basically just do the best I can and the best I can involves a house with dramatically lower standards of cleanliness and tidiness than I had pre-kids, living on a tighter budget than pre-kids, I tend to prioritise sleep over anything but the most essential of tasks if the kids are regularly night waking because otherwise I just feel horrendous physically and mentally day to day and have a shorter fuse with the kids then too...and so on. Basically my best is just barely getting by, I don't know how people do any better than that! So probably not helpful for you if you manage to keep things better under control! I also have a very involved husband too I should say so I'm not even doing it on my own but still the 'everyone fed (and not always well), no one dead' mantra rings true a lot of the time!

I remember when I had young children I suddenly realised I had never been a mum before so would make mistakes. This helped me when I felt I hadn’t been as perfect at it as I wanted to be.

unfortunately I had to have shit happening to me before I let go of the vision of myself as "high achieving and perfect". Nothing like a chronic illness and people dying to shake you out of that jolly fun Perfection Mode. I hope two things for you OP - first that you are able to get a wider perspective on life, and hence enjoy having greater understanding of the breadth of human experience- and secondly that it doesn't come to you through having to experience misfortune and loss, because that's kind of how it usually goes.

Without meaning to be divisive- try working? I'm being a little flippant, it sounds like being a SAHP works in yor family, but - raising a family around a full time job means you just have to be chilled. There's no time or energy left for overthinking like you seem to be.

I don't think you need more parenting advice or podcasts. What you need is to be able to focus on anything other than being mum for at a few hours a week...

Not sure if where I saw it or who said it, but whenever I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed with the kids, or they're acting like hooligans, or my priorities are competing, I imagine that I am 80 years old, my children are grown and I'm gifted the opportunity to travel back in time but only to this moment, and it totally, totally changes my perspective. Works every time.

I like to have certain standards but I have to remind myself that those standards are just a goal, not a stick to beat myself with.

Get off social media.

DFOD.

Yes - this. I would have liked to be a SAHM but I don’t think I would have been very good at it. Too much of an obsessive.

What she needs is a good night's sleep every night.

i have a really good friend like you. She’s so organised and plans amazing things weeks ahead. Her diary is meticulous, I always get a reminder of the plan on a Sunday evening if I’m going to see her.

me on the other hand? Just a bit shit sometimes, I went to soft play recently and had nappies but realised the wipes had been left under the buggy and baby had done a big poo! I just asked another kind mum for some and she laughed and said of course.
Sometimes on days out I cba to make a picnic and I just buy sandwiches from
the Sainsburys local on the way.
One time I realised one child didn’t have socks on the way to Clark’s to get new shoes fitted.
These things would have all derailed my friends day and she wouldn’t be v happy. If either of her children is grumpy or tantrums she is really fed up that things aren’t ’going to plan’
sometimes im envious of her as her children always have clean clothes and she always get tickets to the sold out children’s events etc and she books childcare so she can have a day at the hairdressers (I went recently when it as empty with both children on my lap watching my phone!!)
sometimes I think my life is easier than hers because we both have some unexpected shit to deal with that ruins plans but at least I kind of ride it and expect it to come my way?

sorry if this sounds really patronising or smug or something I don’t intend

If you ask a thousand children what their perfect childhood would be you would get a thousand different answers

there’s no such thing

Honestly, I think do some inner work, perfectionism is a significant personality flaw - there is literally no such thing in any realm as perfect. Your perfect will be someone else’s ’a bit crap’.
My mum was and is a perfectionist and it’s led to so many things being a bit spoilt by it as she prioritised her standards above everything else - putting toys away we weren’t finished with, dinner taking forever as it had to be just so, etc. As an adult it hard to see her unhappy when things don’t work out the way she wanted or when she feels her things aren’t good enough.

I don’t mean to be unkind, but rather than tips to be chilled (although I can see they might be helpful) I would be going deeper and freeing yourself from something so destructive and potentially annoying to others.

When I’m struggling I try this…. I imagine my daughter in the future as the mum with kids of her own… she’s exhausted, she’s managing her best. What would I like her to do/feel?
would I want her to lower her standards a bit? Defintely. Would I want her to try to take care of herself and ask for help when possible? Definitely.
Work it through then model it… show your children it’s ok to take a break, it’s ok to say wow things are so busy right now we’re going to do things differently.
This helps me feel less guilty about not achieving the ‘ideal’ picture, because I’m just a person and I’m doing my best and I want my kids to model that in their future, not what happens to me when I try to achieve everything and burn myself out.

Firstly, that sounds really hard you doing a lot on your own.

Secondly, as another poster said if you worked you'd have to let things go. That's not to be flippant or rude. I am very focused on my children (too much at times) and work has forced me to let things go or not have everything perfect because I can't. I don't think it does children good to have everything right all of the time anyway.

My close friend is a SAHM and her day sounds hard but in a different way to how my days seem hard. She gets stressed when things go wrong. I wish she'd just relax and enjoy her time with her children more because it goes fast and accept things will
Go wrong but at least she doesn't have to factor work in as well so she can focus (as she should) completely on home.

I agree get support to tackle the root causes of your perfectionism as this sounds to be your normal state of mind rather than situation-specific.

One good thing to do is learn to spend time just passing time. Make a cup of tea, look out of a window, breathe. That's a good use of time. You don't have to be busy all the time.