How do people enjoy being a sahm?

[jklyui]

How do you get out of a rut?
Been married 5years, 3DD, 2, 7, 11(2 from a previous relationship but all are treated the same as they only see their dad twice a month- his choice).

3 years ago we both worked full time, me in a very demanding well paid job. It took me a degree and masters to get(while in an abusive relationship with ex and I was genuinely just really proud of how far I had come). We did the daily commute together, dropping the breakfast club and picking up from after school club. DP not as well paid but was working up and I wanted him to do so because I know he wanted it.

We then had dd 3, I went back to work when she was 2 months remotely as I struggled with postpartum psychosis and I just needed to be me again. Work was really accommodating with me working around a baby. Eldest dd has SEN and hit a really rough patch when baby was 6 months and started school refusing.

Either of us had to give up our job to essentially home school dd. I said I would like to as i never got the chance to be a sahm before and DP had been on lots of training courses and really pushing himself in his career. We agreed it was great and fair all round.

Fast forward a year and I absolutely hate it. I cannot drive due to medical reasons and their is no bus services around us. We are in such a rural area there is so little around us. We used to love this because it meant quiet and long walks on the weekend. Eldest dd is now back in school and toddler goes to preschool 2 days a week (dropped off by DP). Leaving me just here alone. I hate it. I hate tidying. I hate looking at the same walls. I'm rubbish at keeping a home and dealing with the expectations. I have ADHD and I honestly feel like I'm going insane trying to work a way out of it but see no hope in the future. I wake up in the middle of the night just googling what to do.

It's like I've forgotten how to be a human, on the occasion we do go out it's like I'm so bloody eager to talk to another human I just spout a load of rubbish.
I've looked at jobs, nothing around where we live that could even tie in with the childcare. Remote work seems so scarce now. No chance of moving any time soon as hardly anything in our area for a decent price.

Someone please me a kick up the butt and tell me I've got it so ridiculously easy and I'm just being ungrateful because so many would wish for this life/what the hell I should do because right now I just feel like I'm existing with zero purpose to my life

Can you not go back to work like before?

I'd move. I couldn't live like that with no public transport and no employment.

It's not gonna be good for your kids when they get older either. Just move.

Driving lessons?

I get it OP. I think with ADHD you probably need more novelty and stimulation than you’re getting, and being a sahm can be a serious drag even if you’re NT.

I’d get driving lessons (at least start the theory course?), research online/remote work even if badly paid, maybe do a course or two which can lead into work once your youngest is at school.

I think your situation is made harder by the fact you live rurally, don’t drive, no buses & not much in walking distance, which means you’re essentially spending all day every day in the house. In theory lots of people would probably love to not work etc but I don’t think many people would enjoy just spending all day every day inside the same 4 walls. Part of me likes the idea of being a SAHM, currently on maternity leave so feel like I’m “having a go” at it now and I do LOVE my life at the moment, but I’m very rarely in the house, we do baby groups, we go to swimming, we go for a wander round the shops, we are out walking, we go to the local parks, we pop out to coffee shop, pop out for lunch, we pop to see my gran and my parents, go to the beach and have a wander round the amusements or for an ice cream. If I was stuck in the house with no car, no public transport, nothing within walking distance I’d also be miserable.

Sounds like it’s the not driving that’s got you feeling trapped.
You say you can’t drive for medical reasons … do you actually have a license and will you be able to drive after a certain timescale again ?

Definitely move. If driving is never a possibility for you how will rural life ever work?

Your older kids will also soon need no end of ferrying and there's no solution to the boredom/job opps

She can't drive for medical reasons

Argh, I didn’t see that. Thank you.

Thank you for the responses!

Unfortunately no hope of moving soon, but we have discussed in a year or so, we have just done a big renovation.

I passed my driving test way back when I was 18 but due to having epilepsy I have to wait until 10 years since the last fit, so a good 8 years to go. Honestly, it was probably the worst thing to happen this!

A good idea to look into training. I'm quite an academic person and thoroughly enjoy learning normally but even the thought of having to sit and concentrate on it right now seems like such a task. It would be nice to study something completely new.

I should resent my dp because I really pushed for him to achieve his goals but he's in such a niche area that relocating is also out of the equation

I won’t lie, your life sounds unbearable to me. If you can’t drive, then you need to find a way move to somewhere with more opportunities and get back to work in whatever way is possible. You can’t go on like this.

I love being a sahm but then again I can drive and get out and about. When I spend a few days home I do get stir crazy. If you can't change your situation you need to focus and what you can do. Do you have a garden? Maybe you could do some planting, veg garden? Flowers? Chicken keeping? Just something to keep you occupied.

What about a bicycle? Or even an E Bike for further distances?

Regarding the housework I find making a daily list of things that need to be done useful. It helps me focus on jobs and timekeeping and I get a sense of satisfaction ticking things off the list.

What hobbies do you enjoy?

Are you sure it’s 10 years , depending on the type of fit , you can be authorized to drive again after 12 months ? ( have knowledge of this with relatives ).

Thank you for all the suggestions.

I think I just needed a little self wallow (albeit it's been a good few secretive months- school holidays almost killed me off! 😂
I have got a veg patch, sew, crochet, draw, workouts. I don't know if I'm just sick of the calm life, I need stimulation, a challenge and a deadline.

I've never had anxiety struggles but now when someone even suggests going somewhere I feel like I could cry. I'm so acutely aware I'm sabotaging myself through my own choices.

I think I will speak to DP about a move sooner when everyone is in bed tonight. It's the only way I can see anything changing. I'd give anything to just walk the kids to school/clubs and the go off to work. Buying and renovating has gained us some good equity I'll hit up right move now so I can show him some tonight.

Can you find anything local to volunteer with so you have a purpose in the meantime? I do Girlguiding (Brownies and Rainbows), sometimes even tiny villages have a unit and they're always looking for helpers! Or any other local organisations.

Bike or e bike will help you get out.

How rural are you? There's rural and rural if you know what I mean.

It's not being a sahm that's the problem. It's living in the middle of nowhere. Been there, done that with young children - never again!

Commiserations on the postpartum psychosis. That's also how I ended up a sahm.

I volunteer a lot. I've helped at toddler groups, been Trustee for the preschool, helped in a community charity shop with a dc2 in a sling. I'm now on the pta, a Trustee for another charity, help with one of the Scouting sections and volunteer with Home Start. However we are rural but not that rural and I can drive.

I also did another degree and some stand alone courses through the OU.

If you can't physically get to a charity to volunteer, might be worth asking them if you could volunteer to apply for funding remotely. That would tick some of your boxes.

Is the school in walking distance? Our village primary is always on the lookout for more parents to help with things. I've done gardening, coffee mornings, reading etc.

I cant think of anything worse than being at home with kids all the time.

Hey Honey. I just stumbled upon your post and you sound like me a few years ago and I want to tell you that YOU are going to be OK. I've had a difficult, to put it lightly, time both carrying, giving birth to, and raising our 2 kids. My husband and I have been married 12 years and been together 17 years altogether. I have mental illnesses. Had to stop meds when I was pregnant. That is not easy. I had to deal with being miserably depressed while pregnant and everyone around me couldn't help themselves from making a comment like "why are YOU so happy?!" AS SARCASTICALLY AS POSSIBLE.
When my kids were younger and my husband was able to support us on his salary, I was having issues with my health both physical and mental and I decided to take the opportunity to be a sahm. Well, goddammit if that wasn't the biggest mistake for me to make to HELP MYSELF, idk what would have been! I have never regretted anything more. I was frozen in ADHD unable to look at the house and make a list of tasks. I desperately wanted to keep up on the house, I couldn't help but look around and say 'wtf happened?!' in my head. Anything I DID manage to do on good days when I was feeling mildly OK, the kids would rip apart as fast as I could tidy it. Laundry was not folded, bathrooms went unscrubbed, rooms became THEIR responsibility and by the time my hubby got home from a 10 hour day at work, I was so jealous and tired, I wanted to go to bed. Every single day felt like a Neverending nightmare loop. And best of all, he didn't want to believe me that it was THAT bad when he wasn't home between me and his mom and gram. It was AWFUL. I had nobody to turn to, I tried working but hurt my shoulder and ultimately had to quit. All that is in the past now. But it was so hard and so draining on my psyche, my body, my immune system, my marriage, my everything!
I had to actually melt down in front of him and remind him of all that I've accomplished and all that I do for the family and all that id done for him ,when his own mother couldnt be bothered, to open his eyes to the fact that he had been taking me for granted and assuming I'd always be there. I got violently ill and all it took was for him to OFFER TO DRIVE ME TO THE ER AND STAY WITH ME, something that I used to have to do by myself, for me to see a glimmer of hope. We both broke down. Tears and all. We both made mistakes. If one was up, the other was down. Whoever was up was working and the other was dealing with God knows what at any given time. We had to actually be honest with ourselves about the life we were living. Communication between us broke down and lines got crossed and before I knew it, I'd built a wall of (literally) stuff like blankets and pillows and phones and vapes and you name it which in hindsight was symbolic of the rift that was being created by my ultimate resentment and unhappiness. And his inability to see it.
But, we bought a house and are on our own now. No family but ME, him, 2 kids and 4 cats. Now, albeit a process, we are able to communicate freely without the other getting angry or defensive, I'm able to do what I FEEL I can do daily. He picks up any slack because he understands now that mental illness is no joke. It's REAL. AND ITS BAD at times.
My point is, speak up. Don't let things go unsaid. Maybe your husband needs to hear how you have been feeling so he can support you, even if it's ONLY talking or letting you get out all the emotions you bottle up? Say what you need to say bc it makes a world a difference when you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. If he doesn't understand, try to explain it to him in the nicest way possible and MAKE TIME FOR NOT ONLY YOU, BUT EACH OTHER! SO important! Time together to be just you and him and nobody else again will move mountains. I'm assuming kids are always barging in whenever they see fit. See if grandma or grandpa or auntie or uncle can babysit overnight ;)

I'm now a SAHM to my 13 & 17 year old. I love & adore it. Which is strange, considering how much value I placed on my identity as a high flying professional. I love making my kids breakfast in the morning. I bake treats for them during the day. I cook their favourite meals. I tidy up after them. I pick them up from the bus stop after school. I help with homework. I enjoy chatting with them about their day. I was career focused at one point, but a family lifestyle choice has forced me to take a back seat & honestly, I love it. I love being available & just being present. Focused purely on my family, no work distraction.

Someone please me a kick up the butt and tell me I've got it so ridiculously easy and I'm just being ungrateful because so many would wish for this life/what the hell I should do because right now I just feel like I'm existing with zero purpose to my life

This stood out to me as really, really harsh. If you spoke about me like this I would not be your friend!

Your life isn't 'easy' IMO. You listed a number of rather large things in your posts, including ongoing health things.

I'm not saying you should be miserable - you seem to have much to celebrate and be very capable - but a little more self-compassion could be in order I think! Have you ever considered therapy to talk through where you are and where you want to get to? Might be good while you work it out.

Could you just accept that to make this work you need to spend more money on taxis? Have a taxi budget.

I am happy being a sahm but I am in London where public transport is good. I can't drive and it isn't a problem. I would never want to live anywhere without good public transport as it's so limiting. Youngest dc is in nursery pt and I am busy every day, mostly out of the house as it's the chance I get to get things done without a toddler in tow. Some of it is boring like errands, appointments, but I also go swimming, see friends, see art and museum exhibitions. I like having time to myself during the day and I'd hate to go back to work and not have that time any more.

I'd consider using an electric bike or scooter to get around (unless that would be unsafe with epilepsy?). I wouldn't want to cycle around London but it's probably safer in a rural area.

Please reconsider moving. If you’ve just done a renovation then yes it will be painful to leave but on the other hand the house should sell easily.

It will drive you mad living rurally without being able to drive. You’re not getting any adult interaction or getting out and about to do stuff. As time goes on, the less you do the less capable you will feel, clearly this is already happening. Eventually you will end up feeling anxious about every little interaction or task.

You need to live in a town. If you can’t sell yet, then could you rent and rent somewhere in town… see it as an experiment to see if it helps you (bet it will).

It’s not being a SAHM that’s driving you demented, it’s being stuck at home.