Why can't I do it anymore

[Emeraldiisland]

I was a SAHM for my eldest children and I loved it. It was the best time. If course there were bad days and times when I'd count down the minutes until DH got home.
I went back to work when youngest started Y1.
I got pregnant 12 years later (total surprise) and took a year off after DS was born which I also loved. DS is starting school in September on a very reduced timetable probably about 90 minutes a day, if he can cope with that
He has additional needs and is going to need a lot of support. He's attending mainstream, he needs a specialist school but have to wait for EHCP.
Anyway I gave up work to accommodate his timetable and also to spend time with him before starting school. It's so hard. I feel exhausted all the time but never sleep. When I'm ill I just have to carry on. I love DS to bits but he's such hard work. Never sits still, has meltdowns if he doesn't want to do things, is non verbal, still in nappies and has the understanding of a 2 year old. I'm finding it hard to enjoy the summer holidays. There are some good times but not many.
I don't know why I'm struggling so much. I only worked 2 days a week so I was at home with him 5 days anyway but going to 7 has been a massive shock.
I hate that I don't enjoy being a SAHM and I can't go back to work, even doing evenings and weekends as DH works long hours. Obviously I can't work in the day either because of DS reduced timetable.
Can anyone relate to this? Surely there's a way to start enjoy being a SAHM again? Can't understand why I loved it before but am struggling so much now.

how old are you? Any chance you are perimenopausal?

Its possible. I'm 44 so it could be that. Does it make you tired and struggle to enjoy things?

Having an SEN child who never lets you rest or sleep, who you can't communicate with makes you exhausted and unable to enjoy things. It's not you, it's your situation.

I think your likely to missing the adult company you had working 2 days a week. You've lost that little bit of being you. Echp plans takes about 20 weeks buy if your ds is only going for 90 mins a day it might take longer. Has he done any other education settings that could provide a report to support your application for a echp? Or do you have a specialist that could do a report for you, saying what your ds needs, this might help speed up the exhp.
Once your ds is settled you can then look what's best for you to get back to being you, whether that's working, joining a club, volunteering or similar

It sounds like you can’t really compare the two situations OP due to the additional needs of your youngest. Personalities and needs of children are massively different - my firstborn was an absolute delight to be around but my second cried, moaned and screamed around the clock for no apparent reason. Of course I look back fondly on my first experience but my second made me decide to never have a third. Also there’s the element of age as well, that can make it harder. I hope you find a solution so you can have a break, sounds like that’s what you need.

Looking after a non-verbal five year old who is not yet able to toilet themselves is not being a stay at home mum. You’re a carer. Caring can be phenomenally hard. And most carers, whether they get it or not, need respite. Work was your respite.

You and DH need to sit down a discuss how you see the next few years working for each of you. DH needs to fully understand this is not a SAHM situation. It is completely different and there is no change, significant improvement or end in near term sight.

When do you get time for you? A conversation is needed around DH’s work. It sounds this is currently continuing as it always has, whilst your life, as an individual, has been completely changed, 24/7, forever.

Time for some conversations on how the family unit supports you so you don’t break and how you can get some respite.

You say you don’t know why you’re struggling so much. I can see from your post why that is and I'm sure others will too. Please don’t feel any negative emotions about yourself and your feelings and what you see as you struggling. How you’re feeling is a normal, expected response to the situation you find yourself in.

Wishing you and your son a smooth start to school and I hope you get the ECHP and support your son needs in the long term,

Only reason I asked was to get some physical context around you. Look, having a SEN child is a completely different ballgame, I have one. You are constantly thinking about them, not that you don’t about your other children but it’s just different. And that is exhausting, the mental load of carrying them in your head 24/7 is hard. Getting an EHCP is an uphill battle. If you don’t have an outlet anymore - your work - it’s no surprise you are struggling. Do you have a good friendship group? My friends are my salvation. Have you talked to your GP? I’m not suggesting anti-depressants but they might check your hormones & if you are peri could suggest HRT or something else. And, of course, talk to your partner. You are in this together - regardless of what hours he works xx

He was at nursery and they put the request for EHCP. Originally it was turned down but just before mediation they decided they would assess him so we're waiting on that now.
And yes I think you're right I do miss adult company and having a bit of me time.

Unfortunately a lot of my friendships have suffered. I do have one really good friend though.
It is hard and I don't feel able to tell DH because it sounds pathetic to say I can't cope with a 4 year old. Even if he understood there's not much we can change. His work pays more than mine so even the situation is what is.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice. Means a lot

Few but true is all you need to remember as far as friends go, so value the ones you have & focus on them. By this age we’ve all had a degree of shit to navigate through. As far as your DH is concerned his income is irrelevant here - you are a team & he is your son’s father. Your value as a SAHM is as important as his job, if not more, it’s just not paid, so pls stop measuring your worth in this way. It is hard when you’ve worked & had a career, I know that from experience. But this is not the end of your working life, you’re just taking a break